You've failed to keep them all by your side. Your actions are driving them, and me, away.

到最后你才发现那只是为了拖时间。他不诚恳，你怎么没发现。

When you've finally decided to help, when you've finally think it's right, the harsh truth is revealed. It would have been better to know from the start that you never once trusted me, that all my effort would be gone to waste because someone would have been a step ahead of you or rather, done the job for you behind your back.

既然你已经吩咐别人去完成，为什么还得通知我。

How should I describe this. Not exactly pissed or upset or betrayed. Maybe a mix of everything. Or was I already expecting this from the start and that's why I feel less upset/angry than I thought I would?

也许他们真的不在乎。就像路过的人，不重要。说了，你们会听吗？没必要想太多，你们肯定不当一回事。习惯了，习惯了。每次多这样。等到事情发生了才注意、在乎。累了。真的累了。

只是突然之间觉得人性没我想象中那么单纯。及时是你认为最要好，最了解你的朋友，有时候也可以很复杂，很难理解。他带着面具。他假装了解，假装友善，假装自己很乐于助人。也许是我自己想太多，也许他是真心诚意想帮你，但感觉上就是假。明明就是在讽刺，明明就是看遍你，明明就是故意这么做就为了为难你，为了看你的反应，为了娱乐。我们明明就是好朋友，有必要这么绝吗？每一句后加的“笑脸”就好像讽刺、嘲笑。每一句的“有需要就通知我”也未免太假了。真的，太不像你的性格。

最后这件事会这么处理，我不敢想象。太恐怖了。

I never once did it with that intention. and yet you came to that conclusion. 是，我们没有认识很久。才一年半。真正认识才半年。But i always felt like you could understand people and their personality way better than other people. at least that was what i thought. 我错了。真的真的人令人失望。For you to come to that conclusion that I did it for fame, yup im hurt. and im even more upset by the fact that that was how you perceived me. 半年，难道这半年你对我的印象就这样？I don't wish for anything good but i just wasn't expecting you to think that way. 我真的认为找到了一个会珍惜友情的朋友。我错了。it's just so upsetting. 原本以为你只是在开玩笑。but the tone seems way to real for it to be that way. is it that you consulted them the other day and it turned out that they came to that conclusion? 那群朋友也未免太不了解我了吧。well i can't blame them. 说认识，认识了一年半。说了解，还未。也难怪。算了，也许你只是我这一生中的一位路人甲。也许吧。因为不了解，随便无赖我的人，看遍我的人，这种朋友我不需要。

也许有些事情不需要对整个世界解释清楚。你相信就好，不信也罢。我不在乎。对于不了解我的人，我不在乎。或许我们也只能停留在朋友。“好朋友” 这词汇不能用来形容我们之间的关系。说好的友情万岁。。。哼。

yeah, i don't understand. why? or rather how? can you be thinking of someone else while claiming otherwise or worse going after another?

the biggest regret of your life. someone you've been unable to give up on after all these years. so you think blindly going after another person would change all of that? wow. much wow. please, save yourself from the delusions, save the hearts of the people your going to lift and then ultimately let go. mostly, save yourself from the people your going to lose because of your illusions. 做人难道就不能干脆一点吗？扭扭捏捏，最后吃亏的也只是自己。如果可以的话，我还真的想以朋友的身份来告诉你，if you're hoping that a miracle happens and she comes back miraculously, that will not happen. 不要再做梦了拜托。只可惜都太迟了，i'm no longer in that position to do so.

if you're going to keep re-reading the previous chapter, you're never going to move on.

It's been a horrible night. really. and i'm hoping a night like this would never ever come again.

but anyways, aside from all the pain, i guess i've learnt a lot tonight. or rather, maybe, affirmed my assumptions that i used to think was too narrow-minded. guess it seems true though.

they say "在家靠父母，出外靠朋友." yes, it's nice knowing that you have someone to rely on. yet, today taught me that sometimes it's better to just rely on yourself.

the incident took place at home. well i was expecting her to care more and stuff but seems like i had to handle everything myself. yes im old enough to take care of myself. well, maybe that's why she reacted this way. or it could turn out to be other reasons (which i have considered and it could be possible). but anyways, humans are selfish by nature and would most probably only do something if it is to their own benefit. i guess that's why it turned out that way.

人类是自私的。我也一样。

Maybe it was right. to not have your hopes up high. maybe i was never meant for this. maybe i was meant to be doing something else, somewhere else.

yes, they say academics at the end of the day is not important. no one is going to ask for your cert, you only need it for the application and then all it becomes is a piece of printed paper waiting to be recycled. yet, it determines our future maybe not in the long run and not as significantly, but it is important after all. and yes, it defines who you are. at least by your family, your relatives and the society.

sometimes i wish you weren't there. bu yet you definitely contributed to bringing me where i am today. i don't know. it's like a benchmark? yes i know i will never ever reach there, but at least i think they are expecting you to hover around that benchmark and not sink all the way below.

i am not smart. please understand.

i've tried convincing myself all this while and i thought i have accepted the fact that i will never do as well and it is ok for that to happen because everyone probably knows that. and yet, sometimes i ask myself why not?

expectations. invisible and yet palpable benchmarks. good to have them around, forces you to stretch your limits. after all, hardwork will be rewarded in this meritocratic society.

就连我自己也不知道藏了多久。也不知从哪开始说起。幻想中是美丽、是甜蜜的。但来到现实生活中，有时候还真的漫累的。唉声叹气时难免的。不是说讨厌这段回忆。其实我很感激。他最后是个不完美的结局但过程的甜蜜不能就轻易带过。谢谢你为我留下的回忆。但也同时谢谢你教会了我，这 “心” 最好不要这么轻易就打开。因为最后受罪的人是自己。不，其实更应该说这举动是种赌博。好的、坏的后果自负。是我把自己害成今天的局面，遇见这难题只能靠自己解决。可能可以向朋友诉苦，但真正的痛苦只有自己清楚。那段回忆，很美。但它的“美”中却藏有了“心酸”。

How would you define friendship? or rather, how would one measure friendship? how much would one have to do for another to be considered important as a friend? how much would one have to give up to be able to gain recognition as a true friend?

有时候我真的不清楚自己是不是把友情看得太重要？Would others value me as much as I would value them? 我真的以为我们是朋友了。不，是好朋友。Yes, we've only known each other for 1.5years, but i thought our chemistry and how we could 'clic' with each other could prove that knowing each other for ONLY 1.5 years was not that important. 我努力过做好一个好朋友的责任，也放弃了不少时间和与别人的互动。还不够吗？I'm really at loss now. Is it really not enough? 一直都在寻找一个知心朋友，一直都在寻找一个可靠的朋友。自己也一直在努力成为这个朋友。我没有做得很完美，但是总就还是希望能见成果。

I sincerely thought we were good friends. 还是是我自己把“好朋友”这个定义看得太重？
真心好友真难找。

honestly, i thought it would all be over. it'll all turn numb especially after the wrapping etc... but turns out that it's back again. after yesterday. 是不是我们彼此都放不下？or maybe you've gone back to your daily routine. just like how you thought im back to normal. but yes, i'm glad i've promised myself that after 31 may, i'm officially letting everything go, including you. i'll come back from japan just like how i was the beginning of this year. it'll be as if nothing happened. i'll fly but i won't take you along. i'm leaving you behind. officially. i'll definitely find a way, and i believe i will.

sigh this emptiness

It's really bugging me the way i thought it wouldn't. I could finally talk about it to someone yesterday and i thought i'll be fine or at least better after that. I woke up again this morning, feeling the same. the same emptiness that needs to be filled. maybe by you. i don't know if i should tell you. but i don't want to give a false impression. i shouldn't. maybe they were right, i shouldn't be selfish. we're maybe better off this way. i have to admit that on somedays i really wish to see your name appear again. well it'll probably take a really long time, or maybe never.

辛苦。真的。no amount of sleep or rest can overcome it. 没想到，原来这一切会有这么大的影响。and sometimes i wonder if you're going through it also. or is it just me? maybe you're long over it. somehow i need to find a way to get out of this mess. it's affecting me way to much

Is it my fault that everything turned out this way? Was I too direct? was there a better method that i could have used to convey my intentions? Sigh. why, another friend lost. You would make a very good friend. really. 在外国的时候，我们都很谈得来。we got closer, we did. i thought things was getting really well and everything would continue to go this way. until that day. seems like we stopped communicating after that. i'm sorry, i guess i was too direct. the talk with them made me realise that i shouldn't have dragged it on. I should have told you the truth in black and white typed and clear. 可是，难道，就不能只是朋友吗？because yes, i'm selfish, i'll want a friend like you. 失去你这个朋友，真的很可惜。maybe all you need is just time. hopefully that's the case. may we go back to how it was like then. we could joke about everything and anything. may it be like that. 真的很怀念当时的我们。

but well, as much as i'm afraid that i've hurt you with my direct words, maybe you're recovering fast. the talk with them made me realise no maybe confirmed your character and my assumptions. they turned out to be the truth. well i trust them. maybe you're already getting on with your life like how it was like. or maybe you're not even affected by it in the first place. maybe its just me who has yet to get on with life and am still being bugged by it constantly. 你让我习惯了那种生活，and suddenly you left. maybe we all understand what needs to be done now. 一刀两断。

可是，有必要吗？

and so i've thought through it carefully and clearly. as much as i dislike you. i guess it's a confusing love-hate relationship.

as much as i hate you for making me feel so frustrated and making me change my plans (esp my tuition and having to travel all the way to tamp/bishan on a sun) and of course also having friends to shun from you, this taught me much. so much about staying positive and believing in the people that signed up and stayed on (willingly or not). at least i have them, at least i am not alone right? for these people, i have no idea to express how thankful i am towards them, for their existence. these events also showed who were the true friends, those who desperately wanted to study for their CTs, but came because we're friends :) i've came to realise how much of a true friend you are to. 他认识的朋友，真的很‘朋友'. and i mean no sarcasm here. really.

more importantly, it showed your true colours. 我看清楚了。i've came to realise how different you are from who i am looking for. i came to realise that you're still holding on to something. i've came to realise that i'm a back-up plan. thank you :)

this saturday marks the last of the final nonsense im facing. sometimes, somethings are not as simple as it seems. its not as simple as moving tables and chairs, its not as simple as carrying out your job. it's about the experience. and this is the 'experince' everyone's been talking about. what i've seen, what i've interpreted and what i've learnt and gained. my perspectives of people changed. i know who are my true friends. i know whom i can rely on. i know who i can trust.

well, most importantly, it developed my sense of responsibility. on many occasions, i wished i could text you the day before lying to you that i fell sick and am unable to make it tmr. but i never did because i know you'll be terribly stressed. i know i would dislike it too if someone did the same to me. it'll be a mental breakdown. 这一切教会了我学会谅解，学会体验。put yourself in other's shoes, they always say. this experience taught me the importance of it.

因为体谅，所以谅解。 :)

despite all that i've learnt, if given a choice to take up this role again, i wont go 'yes' immediately. definitely not. but i'll consider. i will.

I can't help feeling tired and frustrated about it. every single time. and im glad that this is the last. so glad because it's tough. and yes, people shun from you for it.

I guess this is partia;;y why this is all happening i guess. you're running away. you're afraid i'll ask. 当全世界都背向着我时，我以为你会在，我以为起码有你依靠。我错了。是我太天真。

someday, i wish to be like them. to be able to dump everything aside and not feel guilty at all. even the slightest guilt, not at all. if only i could be like this. because im tired of running this.

I'll probably never forget how it all started out. It was way earlier than you expected. because i was equally shocked too.

开始的时候是怀疑，不知何时开始变成了淡淡的幸福。虽然那一切不是真的。绝对忘不了一开始总是告诉自己如果有一天他决定走开，我一定要带着感激的心情。因为起码知道我们不可能，不会再浪费批次的时间。一直以来都告诉自己‘我们只是朋友’。到现在也一样。曾经的怀疑不是没了，其实依然还在。不过，可能是应为习惯了、麻木了，没有以前那样受影响吧。

不知道是不是因为那时的事件，好像有什么变了。是不是我错了？是不是我太幼稚了。过后又不小心的话了整整一天才恢复你。是，你生气了。从那时以后，你变了。不，我不怪你。不久前又来了一个愚人节的玩笑。或许对你来说没什么。可我，不知为什么，那晚我真的很生气。告诉你没关系，那是谎言。过后，我们的关系好像变得更糟。

现在的情况不是你是否注意到了，似乎有些尴尬。从前一天里得法不少简讯，如今只剩一天一次。是不是因为我们都开始忙起来了。还是已经不在乎了。回简讯或许已成为一件非常累人的事吧？

其实我们的幼稚的性格都满相识的。不是你是否擦绝倒。故意不理不睬，看看对方的反应。应为自己也犯了同样的罪名，所以我明白。可是恰恰因为我们都自私，不愿成为感情世界里所谓‘更爱对方的那一位’，导致了今天的局面。

不期待什么，那是谎言。比起从前少了期待，那是事实。结局会是如何，敬请期待。

我好像知道答案。

如果我对你来说如此的重要。那件事以后，你原来也这么着急、担心，为什么一切都没改变？Really, i was quite convinced already until I saw that. It's still there. 一切都没改变。原来他对你来说有这么重要。

是，我自私。

在你没忘了他之前，我们不会有可能。我也不可能会女里变成她。因为我们根本就不一样。

如果有一天她出现在你眼前，如果有一天她在从新接受你，你会答应吗？

只因为害怕。

I wish I knew what you were thinking. It would all be simplified.

what defines a true friend? 一个人需要多努力才能成为对方最要好的朋友？过后还需要多努力才能维持这种关系？

After the event, we were planning to go out for lunch. and i thought we were going. together. something cropped up. 你有些不耐烦吧？so obviously i couldn't leave you alone and went along with you. frankly speaking, i was expecting them to hold you back or at least followed along and went to lunch together. but that didn't happen. 真的以为你们是很好的朋友，对方心情不好以为你会陪她。我错了。口口声声说的“依靠”，just disappeared so quickly。reality. 这就是人类。而且当中部只是一个。有两位。没有一截叫住他，没有一个陪着他。Is this true friendship? 或许是我自己吧事情搞大。but it's the truth isn't it? 所谓的友情，won't you understand if your friend's feeling a little down and needs your company? 眼前的这一切我看得很清楚，很彻底。原来真正的友情，有那么难找。

is this why we are all so 'square'? because they say no to everything.

或许我这一辈子也不可能会明白。真的真的无法明白为什么。
why can they be so supportive. why when we are more well-to-do are unable to afford. he said yes, do whatever you want i'll help you. why do i not own such supportive parents. why. you can have enough to invest in overseas properties and yet not in your daughter's future, in what she deeply believes she wants. it has always been in her. and yet you're telling her no. why. why are you so not supportive?
i wish i had parents that loved me. i wished they cared for me. it's not that im being unappreciative, 你为我做的事，我都懂。but why, why can other parents do more? yes, there are people around without parent's love. i know. but i can't help comparing to the even better ones. why. they have parents that make breakfast and lunch for them. they have parents that gives them extra pocket money, scared that they do not have enough to eat in school. they have parents who are willing to pay for their education, any amount. why, why is mine so different. 是不是因为我排第二，am i suppose to make myself more noticeable?
im hurt. terribly.

我知道我应该知足。知足常乐。快乐起来吧，it's ok. everything's ok. haven't you always encouraged yourself when times like this comes? 加油吧，we'll make the best out of it.
it's ok.

或许我这一生中，拥有你们就够了:) realised that there were even people trying to wish me right on the dot 00:00 im so thankful :) it's the thought that counts for some others :) maybe im just easily satisfied. i don't know im just so thankful for their existence :)

没想到关心我的人竟然不是你，是另一个好朋友。连他都发现了，你呢。

I went to sleep last night feeling very very terrible. why. why did it have to turn out this way.

of course the alarm woke me up in the morning, i still remeber myself falling alseep feeling very upset. but was all better. a sleep really cures everything. i woke up and checked mu phone: 12 new messages. i thought at least one was from you. turns out that it isn't. not one was from you. not even one.

有时候我真的开始怀疑你的真心。是不是累了？是不是烦了？我不会怪你。真的。because we are both to insensitive to one another's feelings. it's ironic. because we both are sensitive by nature. yet, we are so unaware when it comes to just us. i ended off the conversation with 'ok' i guess you weren't expecting that. yes, i did it because i was slightly pissed. 很幼稚吧？i think we're pretty similar in terms of personality which sucks. because we end up getting angry over the same thing, having the same reaction and all the nonsense starts coming. i know it seems to you that i am not trying. but i wish you knew i always thought about it. all the time. i just didn't want you to know. it's part of my nature. we'll take one step at a time and see what happens. i know some part of it was my fault,but one of the new messages should have at least came from you.

Just something I'm feeling so strongly for right now.

we all seem to be so caught up with school work etc that we end up ignoring/neglecting other's feelings. I wanted so badly to tell you/share with you about it but dropping a hint at the end of the message 'so braindead now' well you probably, naturally thought it was because of studies. it kind of broke my heart a bit because i thought you'll realise it. you told me yeaterday that if i was upset i could rant. i could tell you. but i cant possibly do so directly right? i thought you'll ask about it, really i thought you would. i was expecting it. but you didn't. you ignored it. were you angry that i kept asking wy you accepted her? or were you slightly pissed i took longer than usual to reply?

其实在这方面，我们俩都很幼稚。也因为这样，我经常都认为我们不可能。可是每当有这种念头时，somthing happy happens again that wipes off all this negative thoughts. i dont know anymore. are we meant for each other?

i seriously thought you'll ask about it. i was all prepared and ready to share. yet you didn't. i know, i demand so much from you. and maybe i should learn to be sensitive to your feelings too. i saw the tweet regarding your nickname. really, i was slightly upset. i thought you were over her. not yet i guess.

it has been a really eventful day with so much emotions. partially because i didn't get enough sleep so my emotions tend to go to the extreme. or maybe... i dont know anymore.should i even bother replying to something im tired about. are you tired too?

是不是自己太天真，是不是“缘分”的定义太“童话故事”化了？

总是相信 there will always be a Mr. Right. yes, no one's perfect. but im not looking for someone perfect. 自己虽有列下条件，but at the end of the day 还是缘分重要不是吗？

I acted as if I didn't catch that. I decided to not tell you I was going there. But I had hopes of seeing you there. waited. but you didn't appear. I thought you went home. But it turns out that you went to thaipan. with them. and she was there. 我知道你们只是朋友，but i can't help questioning and over-thinking. yes, i am selfish.

或许我们有缘无份，或许我们只能当朋友，一辈子的好朋友。It seems as if we have many in common, and yet we are so different. if you realised, 我们交的朋友很不一样。i can never be friends with her. and yet, you're close friends with her. yes, we rely on our siblings a lot. but yet it seems like we have no common topic. 是不是因为害怕尴尬，所以我开始远离你？the atmosphere is now different if you realised. i can never be so relaxed and crazy around you ever again. if you realised, 我变了。
在你面前，我变了。

maybe i should stop thinking about the things that would never happen. maybe we weren't meant to be.

I read your tweets, but i dont know whether to trust you. i don't know anymore.

你真的让我很失望。

应不应该回你的简讯。有点累了。这算是第二次了吧。or have you found someone new.

In case if you're wondering if I'm angry, yes i am. I am angry AND upset.

当大家都离开的时候，我以为你会留下。我以为你一定会来。真的在一靠你了。可是，你让我失望了。不知道是不是因为你生病了，还是只是在找借口找时间读书。不知道应该是大人有大量的原谅你，还是无理取闹的埋怨。或许你没有我想象中那样。或许是我多想了。或许当时的你也只不过是三分之难过热度。我明白了，我了解了，到最后我们只是朋友。只是朋友。因为真正的朋友在食道你有多需要忍受的时候，不会抛弃你。我们只是朋友。谢谢你让我了解了我不需要花太多时间在回复你的简讯上，也不必再为你的性情而着想。我不必为你捉出牺牲，你也不需要。到最后，原来结局是如此。

sometimes i wonder if things might really work out between us. frankly speaking, i thought someday we might stop texting and here comes the end. because it's really hard for me to forget him. but seems like you made it possible. is it because this is just the start? they always say its the 'honeymoon period' where everything is just sweet and you see no problems coming. it all seems perfect. yet, i have to admit that sometimes i feel like we no longer have anything left to talk about. i'm terribly confused.

是不是因为你的努力与关心让我心动了？还是这只是所谓的“怦然”？

you try. really, you do. even if i seem like im pushing you away, you still try.

还以为自己不可能会喜欢你 but at that moment you removed my name from the same interview slot, I was a little upset and seeing that you didnt change it back made me doubt you. today, i opened the wrong file and got upset again seeing that it was unchanged. but when i finally found the correct one and saw the amendment 心里不知为什么突然高兴了起来。I was just wondering what if it wasn't on purpose at all, what if 这只是巧合？

是不是我想太多了。

It's 2 days to valentine's day. and i received a balloon with a packet of chocolates&sweets attached to it (some package by some club in the school).

My friends didn't have their lunch and they were hungry so i decided to give them the food (since they were terribly hungry and one seem to have gastric). You told me it's ok to give it to them since I told you I had sore throat and I can't eat it. But I know you were slightly hurt when I told you I gave them the food. Sorry, I hope you'll understand.

Then, in the LT I passed them the entire package (with the helium balloon) since they were terribly hungry. and then 'OH OH OMG'. knew it. the balloon was flying up to the ceiling and it stopped there, motionless. omg. i was a little.... hurt and surprized and lost. omg how? i felt a little dejected and then the thought came to me. maybe this was all fate. maybe its a sign that we should both let go. maybe it just wasn't going to work out. i texted to tell you that it flew off. you didn't reply. for a long long time. you were probably terribly hurt.

you ignored me during the walkabout. you were probably expecting me to come face to face and tell you i'm sorry. you were probably expecting me to be very very upset. but i seemed like i wasn't.
i wanted to go up to you to tell you actually i got it back. but there were so many people around. well, i just didn't want them to know about it.

so anyway, halfway through during the lecture the balloon actually decended (i was sooo shocked) and my friend grabbed it back and it came back to me. that moment, i was so happy. it was so amazing that it happened (my friend happened to let go of hers and it flew all the way to the back of the LT and didn't come back. yet, i realised it was slightly deflated. was it a sign? or was i thinking too much?

whatever it is, i am seriously grateful. someday, it might all work out. but first, i'll have to forget someone else.

或许，你只是我人生中的一位异客。

虽然你确实让我的生活变得更精彩，你却从未想过要留下来。

总有一天你会离去。到时候我也只能跟你说声：谢谢。

Yes, there was indeed this part of me that wished i was there. and yes, with him sitting beside me. But then again, i;ve promised myself to never do such silly things again for you. because some day i'll come to realise how gulible it is and how stupid i would look.

anyway, the main reason you went there was because she's there. isn't it? all the more i shouldn't go. it'll end up affecting me for the entire night again.

you'll never know. i'll never let you know i once liked you this much. (and i probably still do)

其實很多時候我們都被「心動」騙了。我們以為我們愛那個人，但其實我們愛上的很多時候都是新鮮感製造的「怦然」而不是那個人。

从前的自己以为自己只是因为喜欢上他的外貌、他给的“怦然”。但已经快一年的，他还是让我有许多许多的“怦然”。 总是希望我们会在一起，但是清楚这不可能会发生。绝对不可能。

you sounded really tired.. so maybe a text might help? but what if i end up getting the same reply and only end up spoiling my day. or what if you end up seeing it as a burden since you need to reply to it. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

原来想要寄一个简讯也可以那么难。howhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhow

我们之间会不会有未来？

结局。。。

You may or may not know (well, you might have guessed it from my tweet) that i have been waiting for your message since morning. i knew you came back yesterday night. really late and you were really tired. so i thought, ok maybe you needed to rest.

then came assembly time. you would usually text me before that. so i checked my phone after assembly. a text message, but not from you. so i thought maybe you were going to do so later.

i checked it during my break, still nothing. well, maybe you wanted to focus on your lessons. then, i saw your classmates during break time. i thought you would text me then. checked it right before break ended. still nothing from you.

maybe you were just too tired. but i started having wild thoughts. maybe it was all over? was it? was i too harsh to reply "why would i. lol" ? or maybe you sorted it out these 4-5 days away. maybe you decided that it was too dumb to waste so much time on someone who does not return to same amount. maybe you decided that it was impossible. maybe you gave up. i was a little hurt. after all, i know myself and my feelings best. but isn't this what i wanted. i promised that if it ever did happen i should be very thankful. there is one less person who is willing to wait, one less person whom i know is less deserving of my time and effort. i should be thankful.

of course, it doesn't go away as quickly and as easily as i thought. it still bugs me. i still check my phone. and if i see a "1 New Message" there would be this part of me that's hoping it's from you. and that never happens. i know there would be this day it would all end. some day when you finally decide that's it's not worth it and i am not the one you are looking for.

maybe, it happens to be today.

I really thought it would all be possible. someday, if you were to ask, i would probably have said 'ok'. but now, i'm struggling. all over again.

it was a smart and to-the-point question. it was necessary to be asked. what would happen if they broke up and he comes to you?

checking my phone every now and then, yes, it became a habit.

I was planning to watch RM after winnertv but i guess it's necessary to stop my RM first and post.

I have to admit that the past 2 sessions were plain awesome. and i wasn't expecting it to bet his way at all.
I missed the previous wednesday's session due to a check-up and i heard that they covered up pretty much. I was afraid of course since part of that included the super difficult song and also i wasn't as good as them.

I freaked out before the monday session and was very very stressed about it. yeah i was going to screw it, i know. but i was glad how the session turned out. you were very patient i must admit. and also good at building people's self-confidence. you may have realised but yes, i became a little more confident (although just by a tiny bit but better than feeling so down after each session). I became a little more motivated and of course i practiced.

Then came the wednesday's session. 3 hours. really, i thought it was going to be hell. (at least it felt like that the past few sessions) thankfully, we spent most of the time playing together (which i preferred) and we tried out the previous songs also and that song you taught on the monday's session. it wasn't as bad as i thought. of course, we split into sections later on (as usual) and we attempted that chim song. screw this, i thought. (since i did not try out the other half). yes, they knew i didn't tough it at all. stopping there was a little embarrassing but oh wells, not the first time anyways. so i was frank and we went off practicing that other half. i took what felt like a decade (probably to you) to learn that one line (and in the end i couldn't even play it during the combined) but you were nice and patient to wait. you really made everything less stressful. yes, i was still stressed, but lesser i guess. we then played that song at a pace i could catch up with (and of course it must have been insanely slow for you) but thank you so much, really. i have no idea how to express my gratitude but thank you for your patience and understanding and whatever, everything. because if it turned out to be me, i would have just walked off. yes, i have not mastered it. but that patience was sort of an encouragement i guess. and also motivation.

她真的很幸福。

悲观的自己，你很不习惯吧。

Yes, it's better to let go now. before i sink any deeper.

因为知道有可能会这样，所以害怕。

及时是他先喜欢你，不代表他不可能会先抛弃你。

即使是喜欢了4年的女生。

Just read a friend's blog, and yup, they broke up. They were sweet. I've seen them together before. He liked her, for pretty long. And yet, his feelings died down first. 对于感情这回事，我更没安全感。

曾经的“喜欢”原来可以这么快被淡化。人类。。。

所以请你了解我为什么不可能这么快接受你。也请你了解我为什么要让你把我看得如此的清楚。你后悔还来得急。是，我会害怕。会害怕有一天我们不再联络，害怕像那一天一样。但，这样子总比分手后的难过来得好。

没接受你不是因为你人不好。其实，现在，也不是因为我更你提起的他。

是因为我害怕。

what if someday, when you're all healed and well to go, when you've finally given up, I become the one that's holding on. Yes, I'm selfish. I don't want to end up being the one left behind. And yes, that's why I'm so afraid of picturing our future. Would you be there with me? Or am I alone?

Trying to close my heart to these feelings. But it can't be helped, I guess, to thinking about it. Yes, I've fallen once and told myself to never allow it to happen again. But it's hard. 

I wish you would at least tell me if you're going to stop. At least allow me to prepare myself for this too.

and that's the reason why I wanted someone more mature. it's the sense of security.

谢谢你让我看清楚了你其实不可靠。

no wonder people day it's a bad idea. now i know why. it really affects one terribly. i'll try to lock it up. we'll see how it goes.

really, sometimes i really wonder if im over-thinking or being over sensitive. i place great importance on freedom. yet, i can get so upset over this.

i always tell myself that i must look for someone who can accept me entirely for who i am and someone who would be there for me no matter what. no matter how much i complain or how easily i break down or just....
but would someone like that exist? would i be lucky enough to meet someone like that. someone that loves you entirely for who you are. even when someday i unknowingly gain 10kg, or someday i turn into a very very ugly monster, would you still love me? we have all became so superficial such that apperance is all that matters. yes, i agree that looks do appeal and attract me at first sight. but then again, only at the first sight. at the end of the day, its the heart. but how many of us do? would you?

I really thought everything was going to turn out fine today. no. in fact i was expecting it all to be really awesome. 1. I could skip school 2.I could skip cca 3. i had the entire day to myself(meaning i could plan my own schedule. 4. i could be with my family. 5. i had a great dinner and the list goes on. But it all turns out to be the opposite. i am terribly pissed and frustrated right now. and where are you. 

speaking about you. seriously i am terribly confused. i told myself repeatedly that i should never ever ever get used to it and never ever ever take it for granted. seems like i just did it. yes i has been bugging me since the afternoon. you're smart. i dont know whats going on. well, probably you realised i was soooo freaking pessimistic and soooo different from how you thought i would be and soooo different from your ideal image of me. well, im sorry. maybe its all good that you're ignoring now. maybe it's all good that its turning out this way. yes, at least i finally realised that you're not the one. and made it even clearer to me that in future that person has to be someone who can accept me entirely for who i am. and i do not have to change my personality whatsoever for him. because he loves me for who i am. period. i've learnt. i shall not rely on you anymore. not at all. cause you'll never like me for who i am. pessimistic and a mugger. we'll just stay as friends. that's it. thanks for waking me up. im grateful

next, you're suppose to be the one that's leading us. yes i know you are stressed yes i understand if you get a little ngsty. but you're suppose to be the one that's mentioning the meeting time, and now what, coming up with a timing last minute? and trying to reprimand me because i didnt get it by tmr. excuse me , you too. and you're the group leader hello. urgggg. to think that you can even be a president of another club. seriously. 

this was meant to be a really awesome day. it all screwed up like that.

i couldn't blame anyone but myself. for allowing it to affect me. so badly.

great and i just killed another person's day with my angsty tone. OMG this sucks. Im so sorry.

It's been bugging me all night and I thought maybe I'll just reply in the morning.

So I woke up this morning, opened my inbox and selected his name. ok I shall reply. (It's not nice to keep someone waiting for so long). But then I saw someone else's name and his message also.The standards. It differs. No don't get me wrong. I don't like him. But the message shows his character of being considerate. Somehow it sparkles. And since I know him and spoke to him about the message, you can really see. He's sensitive ( in the good way) and very very considerate. 我很欣赏这种男生。

And this brings me back to thinking: Did you even realize/felt that I was upset? 你说你喜欢我, how true is that. Really, I was quite upset about it. And once again decided to not reply.

But then I saw your tweet. I don't know if it's about this. Maybe not. But you sounded upset. And maybe I was just too self-centered. You probably also felt hurt when I was whispering with my close friends about something and not telling you. Yes, I have no obligation to tell you at all. But still....maybe i should have. You probably felt left out and so you decided to walk off. It's not that I wanted to make you feel left out. It's just that the reason is probably too abstract for you to understand. Unless you feel the same way, I guess? Feeling awkward but not disliking them, I wouldn't want to go out with them when I am already mentally drained. I don't even want to try to gather up energy and bring up a topic and reactions to our conversation over dinner. Would you understand? You'll probably just see me as anti-social. But that someone else understands. And my close friends understands.

Still, I guess it's probably my fault that all of these started. Maybe, even if you would never understand, I should have told you.

It's complicated.

And all I have to say is thank you for the awesome friends I have there. I know there won't be a chance for you guys to read this since i've never told you all about it (and i don't plan to) but im just so glad to have you all. You all are the people whom i can go out with even if im freaking tired (yes cause i know i dont have to waste energy trying to match your frequency) and i feel comfortable around you all. Yes, we were never close in secondary school ( in fact we never ever talked since we were never from the same class or CCA or same event) but im so glad that we got closer in JC. May we continue is friendship to uni and all the way till we work and retire. 我真的很珍惜我们之间的友情。 you guys are the type of friends i would want to keep all the way till the end. yes, we are still not that close to the extent to share every single problem, but being able to not feel awkward around you all is a huge achievement for me since its really hard for me to open up and etc.

thank you :)

对于这个问题，我今天问了又问，问了又问。你到底有多喜欢我？

告白后见面的第一次——尴尬。但没想到你最后还是过来找我了。还一直坐在我旁边。这一切我看见了，也很清楚。即使在我朋友之间找不到共同话题，你依然留住。很感激，很感动。

但还是有些小小的失望。到了得决定到哪一方吃饭时，你走到了另一边。明明看见你走过来了，挺高兴的。可是不知是为了什么原因，你又到反走回头。真的有些失望。过后便一直问自己，你到底有多喜欢我？为了我到底愿意付出多少？知道我没有资格对你要求什么，毕竟我们不是正式的在一起。但心里有那么一点点地希望你会走过来。

走到巴士车站的路程，心有些承重。或许你根本没有那么喜欢我吧。或许是我想太多了。Sorry. 回家路上，与另一个朋友开始聊起来了。她告诉我，有许多男生为了不再当兵时寂寞，便交女朋友。原来如此。我明白了。或许想更我再一次的你，不是认真的。只是为了有个班，只是为了不想寂寞。原来，我只是一个陪伴着你的工具。

明白了。有些心酸。有些难过。原来你并没有这么喜欢我。

回到家受到了你的简讯：“到家了吗？” 此刻的我真的真的不想回复。我很累。也觉得没有必要回复。I thought it would all work out, really. I thought someday we could be together, for real. Seems like it's all a dream. Just a dream.

你到底有多喜欢我？我知道答案了。或许我们只适合当朋友。只是朋友。普通的朋友。

Feels like I'm falling in again... 我好像开始习惯有你的简讯。之前不断地提醒自己不能掉入陷阱。。。

what if one day you decide that you no longer like me and stop texting me.有得再一次的痛苦。再一次得学会没有你。

so... if you've been following you might have realised that the past few hours have been rather fustrating for me. really. and the one and only reason is beacause of what is happening tomorrow after school. yup, playing it again. sigh. I've practiced. can't exactly get the other half. so while i was feeling extrememly fustrated, and trying hard to keep a cool mind and chill (by listening to ballads) (and almost going crazy also) notifications from the whatsapp group between my close friends came up. I was so so so glad. We had only a short conversation, but it was definitely great talking to them. they relieved some bits of the tension. really greatful.

朋友真的很重要。

quite pissed at myself right now. really. i just played through it once. yes there were mistakes. but it was wayyy better than the time i played there. and this is the first time im playing it since i came home from the  incident. seriously. fml. I can;t say i played very well. but it was relatively ok. not to the extent of the reactions i got after playing. you should have seen. the awkwardness and stuff. the tension too. such an embarrassment. sigh.. if only i wouldn't get nervous and freak out. if only my brain would learn how to chill and not get so tensed and frightened knowing that i'll be playing soon,. arggghh just wish myself all the best tmr and hopefully i wont screw up. fingers crossed. good luck.

Just got back from practice and .... it wasn't ideal at all. I thought my main point of this would be about that super embarrassing incident but turns out that there's something more than that.

Yup, it's about them. again. It's hard to avoid it since (you know) it's about them. really, 他们真的真的很幸福，他们都得到了别人的祝福与认可。A very sweet couple. 不可否认，sometimes I wish all of these are not true. I wish she was me.

But i pictured the scenario. Well, on second thought, maybe not. 我配不上你。真的。your skills are wayyyyyyyyy better than mine. It'll be an embarrassment. Sigh. 不是我故意去想。it just comes naturally.

now all i want is for us to be friends. at least having something to talk about. that's enough. i guess.

很努力的祝福你们。永远幸福、快乐。

It's all great now. Everything's falling in nicely. (yes sometimes it bothers me a bit.. for e.g. last night..but anyways...)

I'm just slightly afraid. Afraid that I'll commit the same mistake again. It's going to take a long long time to heal if it happens. But i can trust you I guess. right?

So.. 最近好像有人喜欢我。。。

and yup we have been texting each other and stuff for some time. It's all nice. I mean if we happen to stop at something, he tries to continue. 我也曾经问过自己可不可能会喜欢他。我们可不可能会在一起。

He's nice, really. 蛮搞笑的。人格也不错。but he's missing some factors from my ideal type. 我喜欢个子高的，年级比我大、比我成熟，gentleman, 有目标，有梦想。

but... will everything work out? 他又愿意等多久，will he stay or will he finally decide to leave like the others did? I don't want to date for fun. I want to go out with someone who's serious about me and the relationship. 谈恋爱不是个游戏.

I'll probably make you wait. And we'll see if you stay.

It's been bugging me. Yes. Weight problems. I'm not obese or severely overweight. but i feel fat. And that explains why I've started using the calorie counter app since Monday. Its quite useful although i tend to exceed the 'calorie budget' of 1099. whoops. can't help it. I feel fat and i know i need to lose weight but i can't help it if i'm feeling hungry or greedy ya know?

So today my sis came back and she bragged to me being 45kg. ok i got it. ok can. seriously -.- while i was having my dinner nomming away on cereal chicken and prawns. thanks. i agree that my current weight is not my ideal weight. i want to reach 48kg. and here she comes tellling me that she's 45 kg. no it's not the numbers. im ok with her being lighter and whatsoever. (cause deep inside i know im better than her in other ways) its just that memories of her coming to find me just to compare the thickness of our wrists just came flooding back. including those feelings. it hurt me. a lot. and i hate to be compared and end up feeling lousier. seriously what in the world is your problem? do you only find joy in bringing others down? sadistic. and you go around telling the world what a kind heart you have. it seems rather grey to me (and not fully black because yes she loves kids. a lot.) pissed me off on such a lovely dinner.

OMG what should i do now.... i mean i dont want to lose as much to be skinnier than her. i just don't want to seem as fat. (side track, a person didn't believe we were sisters cause she said i was fat -.-) ok so that just reminded me how much i need to lose. but what happens when i get hungry and i need to eat to study? (i mean im a student you know? my priority is studying and not looking slim) and i dont want to lose weight till the extent that it hurts my health and my emotions and then the people around me. i want to live a fulfilling life. i dont want to end up missing on the good stuff just cause i need to watch my weight.
arghhh

Just for a moment i thought things could work out. just somehow, there might be sparks.

但，我今天才发现原来我在你心里没这么重要。我是一个你可以放在一旁，轻易忘掉的人。原来如此。是我想象力太丰富了，是我太天真了吧。

well, maybe it's just not meant to be. maybe it wasn't me in the first place. maybe you were just referring to someone else.

对不起，打扰了。

When its time to move on, move on. when its time to give up, give up. holding on probably only brings you pain.

Yes, sometimes I really wished you felt the same way back. Sometimes I wished I was her. The one you like. But on second thought would I have even accepted if you asked? Would I have been brave enough to do so. Maybe not. And we'll end up the same way. The same way we are today. I believe this is a right decision. I believe the choices you've made for me. It will be the best. And I'll meet someone better in the near future. Good enough for me to give up on you. Good enough for me to forget about you. Even if someday you turn up with a guitar, playing in front of me, you'll never capture my heart. ever again.

期待。好期待会对你死心的那一天。因为这样很痛苦。

Let it happen. Even if it's only in my dreams. At least let it happen. Let it be a moment I'll never forget. Even if it's just a dream. 

Just us. Together.

Just when i thought everything was ok. everything was finally back to normal. I was back to how i used to be and it would never bug me again. It's hard.

It all began when we first met. First impression: above average, not bad. It didn't develop much from there though. Then when I saw you playing the guitar. damn. you were charismatic. really. and you were sitting right-smak in front of me. how could I miss it. how could I. It grew. real quick. that memory of him dragging you to the table as asking 'your ec right?'. you never knew how awesome that moment was. anyways, i tried hard to forget after realising that M also felt the same way. And she told me first. I couldn't be a b**** right. Yes, just as predicted. i acted crazily in front of you. that's my normal response. but it was embarrassing, thinking about it now.

I always wished you had a gf, so that would really convince me to forget and give up. And finally it came true. sigh. i was a little upset. and jealous of course. what. why. how. that girl's really lucky. REALLY. But she's a good catch. indeed, she's very pretty, very smart and also very good at playing the guitar. the perfect match for you. no wonder. and everyone was supportive of it. Me too. I mean, you guys really match well.

During the long holidays, i tend to forget about you. which is good. i thought i would stay that way. but it didn't. somehow, something would bring that feeling back. again. from being in the same section to that concert and back again in front. It's hard.

其实真的不知道喜欢你什么。这个问题问了10个月了。没答案。你真的真的真的好厉害。让我这个花心的女生喜欢你10个月了。its record breaking.

sometimes i really wished you weren't attached. i was really...a little... surprised(?)upset(?) to hear from him that you are about to get attached soon to the girl you've been chasing. but if you weren't attached everything could have been worse. maybe..just maybe.. it is all better this way.

now i understand why people can keep crushes for so long.

这不是借口，给自己一个理由不忘掉、不放下。我还是得真么做，会努力这么做。
憋在心里的话终于“说出口”。 我爽。