你说过你追到累了。你也说过有问题可以和你分享。不过你也曾经说过，我也知道，你不会跑过来。你不会。你说过你不可能永远对我好。我知道。你说过你害怕失去我。当时如果选择放手的人是你，你就不难过了对吧。原来这问题，我得自己处理。我说过不知该在哪里话亲界限。原来是这里。不和你分享问题，你无奈，你离开。是。你没责任留下。放手那么多次这一次不算真么。我愿意努力。只是你也一样得努力。谈恋爱是什么，谈恋爱我该怎么对你。还想对你好，只是这样崩溃你接受不了。being emotional didn't work. You said I was cold. And yeah you broke down this cold wall. Who knew what lies behind this cold wall. Who knew all these emotions lies behind this cold wall. Who knew this was what she was hiding. Who knew this was what she's going through while putting on a smiling front. Waves and waves of emotions that never got flushed out, circling within her were waves and waves of emotions no one could deal with. She thought that was the case and hence never told anyone about it. She never did till you came. You came along and told her persuaded her to open up. She trusts you and told you things she never told anyone. You encouraged her to do so even though she was afraid that it was too overwhelming. And she thought you were ok with it. She thought you were going to know how to deal with this. She trusts you cause you said she could. She thought you'll never leave. Or so she thought. But you left. You left her. So tell me who can she trust. Will there be anyone that can deal with this. Will there be. Maybe she needs to learn, to learn to manage her emotions better and get over things quickly and don't remain too affected by it. Or at least appear so. I let my guard down. It turned for the worst. So what now. To learn or to go back the old ways. Who would teach her? No one could or maybe no one would. She doesn't know where to look, she doesn't know how. And so she goes back to the old days. It turns out that she shouldn't have let her guard down. When she returns, uncertainty awaits. Maybe he's scared. Doubting. Asking if it's right for things to work this way. Maybe he'll let her go. Maybe he'll realize he could never deal with that. She's weird. I told you so. She's weird and one of a kind. I warned you. I told you so. I warned you.

I wish things could be a bit more normal. I wish we could be just like them, celebrating it. normally. nobody said it was going to be easy. but nobody said it was going to be this tough. I wish i never expected anything. these expectations kills everything. expectations bring disappointment. you know that too well.

we'll talk about it today. what should i tell you? that you've gotten yourself into deep trouble by deciding to take on this route with me, that it's ok if you decide to stop and that i'll have to continue this alone? or that she's crazy and overthinks about every small matter, that she's this emotional ball that not everyone can handle?

If there's that someone that can handle this, i'll treat him right. but that's only if he can handle it, and knows how to. the future is uncertain, i told you.

they've said that when your mind is in a mess and when you're unsure of what's all this mess you're experiencing, being aware of your emotions helps. and you could do so by typing it out. let's see how this works.

this relationship is screwing up my life. you just know it. it brings high and it could very well bring you to the lowest. what you did that night, a regular girl would go all crazy and excited and pumped up and would have felt so much joy and love. Me? you never asked how i felt. Judging from my emotions, I guess I didn't quite like that. You took it a little too quickly. I didn't like it. The first thought that came to my mind was "What?", then "ok", then "...". On the drive back home, when I finally had time and space to let things sink in, this came through my mind: so this is what it's like to be your someone within the first month. so this is where you and your exes have progressed. so this is your pace. I'm not blaming you and I know there's nothing I can change. Those previous relationships mean something to you, made you who you are today. It has happened and there's nothing I can do about it. I know. And I thank you for being frank. But the thought, it poped out unconsciously. I can't help it, I can't block that thought. It just comes, a bit too naturally. "So this is what you've done, so this is what it's like, so this is what you'll do". "so this is what I'm like""i'm not that special after all". I'm not expecting anything out of the norm, because this is how its done. But i can't help but feel this way. i'm not that special. when things happen and when you find someone new, you're going to do the same. we're all not that special after all. i want to believe that you did it entirely because of your emotions and it was your way of expressing it. but i can't help it that there's this bit of thought that comes to me "was it because of your friends"? now there lies a difference. it wasn't out of pure emotion expression. it was because of a benchmark. what am i to you now.

It's the reality. And yes I do dislike myself for being/acting like this. I dislike this feeling of confusion, having random thoughts sprouting out from my mind every now and then. It's tiring and it's a painful process. I dislike it and I want to change. Teach me how. Please.

I want to be happy, I want to be as excited as I was the last time we met. I want to be as happy as I thought I would be. I'm not. No where near that. No where near being excited. Tired. Unhappy.

I'm curious. Curious to know about everything that happened that made you who you are today. But asking would open up a wound that's still healing. It's painful to talk about it. So as much as I'm curious, maybe I should never ask.

I feel empty. This emptiness that fills my heart and mind when I go on to tell you everything, almost everything that I'm thinking about. I don't know what to do about it. Tell me what I should do.

I dislike it. I dislike being held that way. Disgust is too strong a word. But you'll understand what I mean. You know what I mean. Would you? I can't help but think that was how you held the others. Exactly the same way, in the same fashion. It disgusts me that it's the same hand, held in the same way, and now it's on me. I'm disgusted and uncomfortable. I know it's not your fault. We've talked about this numerous times. Yet, I can't help but think about it. It disgusts me. I'm uncomfortable. I dislike it. The sense of being protected, of belonging doesn't exist. The words you say, all rehearsed and repeated like you've done it numerous times. Hit the play button, it comes out just as smoothly like you've done it before. I want to know that those words mean something. I want to know that those words aren't just words but it came right from the bottom of your heart. I don't know, I've said I want to trust you and that I will. But would I? These recurring thoughts only prove I won't. Like an audio recorder, I've played it multiple times. There's no solution. I told you I run away from problems, I've tried running away from this. It comes back chasing me again when I least expect it.

As I take another look, once again, I know I'm not ready to let go. I'm not planning to at least for now.  Not now, not yet. They say telling it would help. Does it? Would it? I want to feel it all over again. But right now, I'm back to being confused. It's not the best mental state to be in right now.

原来我没有想象中那样快乐。都说了，有期待就会失望。都说了。还口口声声说无所谓，你想骗谁。you're not ok, it's not ok. You're not over it. You thought you were. It's all written over your face. What do you want.

it evidently didnt turn out as expected. it wasn't what i was thinking. do you feel embarrassed? well maybe its a punishment. let's be real. you were disapponted at least slightly and embarressed slightly (thinking back). but would you have rather you held back? no. not with all the effort put in. I did that just so you know im into this. i did that just so you know im for real. i did that just so you know im not here to break your heart or to paly around like your friends suggested. im real, for real. i just had to do it even though i didnt plan for that. I thought i was going to wait it out. but then you'll realize what's the point? what if those words never made it before the break up? would i have regretted not telling you those words? yes. 那些想对你说的话，只怕你没听见。那些我想要你知道的话，你怕你不知道。你不知道的事，我却想要你知道。我是认真的，真心诚意。and hence even if it comes unnecessary, i have to let you know. who know's what's going through your mind now? who know's what you're thinking now? 傻傻的你也许还在想着是为了什么。

嫉妒是正常的吗？

Was I ever ready for this relationship to begin? Were you ready to begin this, were you even ready to let eveything go? Was I too sensitive? Am I wrong to feel this way, to get so jealous and a little upset?

你生变的女生多的是，我也与你分享了我的不安。你明白。你解释了，我了解。可是为什么我依然这么不快乐，依然嫉妒？他们都说你会快乐。

It hasn't even been a month. Yet, I've been upset so many times. Getting upset, jealous, worried over the smallest things. I dislike myself for being someone like that. Then I asked myself once more, was it worth it? Was I ever ready for it? Do I need this? Would I have been better alone? You light up my world but you can bring it down to the darkest corner at the same time. Nobody said it would all be fluff, nobody said it would be a world of only rainbows and fireworks. Nobody promised that. I know.

不了解的是你为什么会对别人那么好。他们要求你这么做，我要求的你却不答应。那是为了什么。我嫉妒，有错吗？这算不算小气，还算是合理？这条路能走多久我不知道，我不清楚。我只知道若有一天我们都走到了十字路口，当我们决定向左走向右走，你会难过。希望党时候的你可以坚强。分手不就是分手，克服了困难过后就只是一个故事。摆脱了才会快乐。你要知道我希望你会快乐。你会非常难过，但你要知道你还是很好。你还可以快乐。

我很确定在家等待的时候，我非常非常期待能看到你。我很确定。但为什么再见到你的时候，一切又变了。感觉淡化了许多。没有满心期待。I wasn't as happy as I thought I would be. So what happned. I shared my story, but at the back of my mind, I had this thought going on "why am I doing this? This does not feel right at all. Not at all." I told you everything, or at least most of it. But the emotions were all too wrong. It was dead silent, with regular intervals of doubt regarding my actions. 我以为变好了，我以为没事了。我以为我放下了。nope. apparently 你比想象中来得小气。 and that's bad, you know that.

I'll tell you the truth, that I don't know why you would treat me this way. I'm confused. I told you the truth, something close to my heart, to assure you that I am equally going through the same thing. Yet, you treat it so lightly as a joke. They say, don't do to others what you don't want them to do to you. I wouldn't want you to threaten me that way, and hence I don't do that. I want you to be confident, and hence I told you that you help you. And this is how you're treating me. Does it help to be kind? Why aren't you grateful I told you? Why weren't you glad I told you? You took it lightly. You took I would tell you everything in the world. Now look what you are doing. You are taking this for granted. You're taking my attempt at being open for granted. You treat it like a joke. And yes, you told me you were joking. It's not a joke when it's not funny, it's not a joke when you are the only one having fun. That's not a joke. And yes, I absolutely dislike it that you treat it as a joke, I absolutely dislike it that you assume I would now therefore tell you everything related to this life and this relationship now that we are on a different stage. Life has taught me to not take things for granted. You should learn too. I am confused, you left me hurt. I chose this roller coaster ride. Do I only have myself to blame?

it turns out that loving someone can be a lot harder. all the joys and 'honeymoon period' that were suppose to come, where did it go?

你说因为了她你永远无法真正快乐。我还想说我正在学着打碎那所谓的‘墙壁’。原来那笑容是真正的快乐。原来在我面前你从来没真正的快乐。原来我没让你真正的快乐。

I wasn't expecting things to turn out this way. I didn't know that my behaviour, all these while, would result in such an outcome. I was controlling, I was pretending. It turns out that too much of all of that could bring harm. I tried, tried so hard to prevent myself from taking you for granted. It turns out that it came out all wrong.

I went on to look at the responses, I heard from people. Ah.. so that's how things were suppose to be done. Evidently, I didn't know. Evidently, I was behaving the wrong way all these while, giving you all the false signals. I wondered how you held on. It must have been extremely tiring but you never gave up. I'm wondering why. And now, I guess you are beginning to doubt yourself. Why are you holding on and trying so hard when all I've ever done was to hurt you? Now I see, you're trying to let loose and let go. You're testing to see maybe, just maybe you'll be okay without me. I don't want you to let go. Yet, I don't know how to hold you back. I have no say in this. You have your insecurities and so do I. But we are not communicating them. Why? Because we can't. We don't have a reason to do so.

So please, help me this once to get through this. I know where my problem lies, and I want to change, to change for the better. I'll still be jealous and I'll be in a bad mood when I see you with her. I used to think that was my problem. But I've came to realise it is only a normal response. It is okay and perfectly normal to be jealous. In fact, I should. If there's no jealousy felt at all, that is when I should let go. Now is not the time.

i've pictured myself crying, crying in front of you. because i'm upset. because we were breaking up. i've pictured us breaking up. i've pictured myself seeking comfort and help from my friends. i've pictured seeing you with someone else. i was heartbroken, terribly heartbroken. i can't bear to see all of that.

there are so many things i want to tell you. but i cant. because its inappropriate, because i dont have a reason to do so. im scared. that's true. so are you. would i have the capacity and the ability and the maturity to love someone? all the dramas we've watched, they've talked about the great extents love can go. would i be able to love someone like that as well?

我们聊过了。过了一整子我以为你习惯了，我以为你不在乎了。我以为可以接受了。原来我错了。又犯了一个错误，又再一次误以为一切都顺利，一切都好了。没想到当你又提起那个话题，我才发现原来你真的真的因为那件事而烦恼。我不愿改变，我同时也不希望你因为这件事而改变。当彼此都不愿改变想法的时候，就只能看我们是否能谅解，能接受，能体谅。说的容易，做的难。很多人不就以为无法谅解，无法接受，不能容纳，到最后只好各走各的。你知道那不是我要的。我不愿改变。为什么你就不能接受这样的我，为什么得因为这件事而烦躁。为什么它偏偏就那么重要。你时不时提起这件事，这暗示吧？这是最后一关是吗？我想要快乐。你也一样。可你提起那件事，我得逼着面带笑容。那有多累人，那是谎言，那是伪装。你说过该撒谎。我没说出谎言，但脸部表情的伪装那算不算？如果这个世界上有别人可以让你更快乐，如果这世界上有个人不会因为你的身材而嘲笑你，那有多好。那个人已经完完全全的接受你了。那多好。只可惜这个人，我好像还未见面。遇见了一个你认为会让你快乐的人，当开始对你坦白你才发现原来这世界没有你想象中完美。要求不高，重要的是可以接受彼此的缺点。如果这么简单的事情都做不好来，那又有何用？

我是不停的为自己找出理由来拒绝来拖延，还是这就是最重要的要点，最终的解释？喜欢一个人就是要接受他的缺点。不要求彼此为了自己而改变。不要做出让对方不快乐的事情。彼此可以把对方当成是学习榜样，互相加油努力，变成更好的人。你那要求是你个人自私的要求还是合理的要求。 我好累。原来真的好累。独自一个人真的不好吗？为什么不好。有什么不好。

it's either i give in to the stress and change and be upset. or i stay strong and remain as who i am and remain hurt and upset whenever you bring up the topic. i'll smile as usual. but why can't you tell the difference in this smile that i've got? it's different can't you see? or you've seen and decide that maybe you'll let things be?

我一直想说的，说出口了。这么心里却没那么痛快，这么没想象中轻松。烦恼，幻想，好像都是你自己造出来的麻烦。这问题也好像是你自己找出来的。多少次的放下，怎么还是回到了原点。不想放下，但是又害怕未来。勇往直前，只害怕悲哀结局自己承受不了。这矛盾过了那么久还是解决不了。想经历快乐就得承受得起它带来的伤痛与烦恼。想要快乐是得努力的。只因为天下没免费的午餐。

what is acceptable and what's not? What's ok and what's not? what can i tolerate and what can't i tolerate? where's the fine line between over-controlling and reasonable? where should i draw the line?

你说过我们很不一样。就像两个世界的人。我承认。我们真的很不一样。从前我看不出，从前因为谈得来所以看不出。过了一段时间，当我自己看清楚了，我才明白。我暂时还无法过着你的生活。那种生活我还无法接受。我以为我会宽容大方。我以为我可以接受。可是每当我打开来看的时候我才发现我其实根本就接受不了。嫉妒。那是真唱的吗？你是要我习惯吗？若永远接受不了那该怎么办？我自私的想法：为什么要因为你而不快乐？这世界上没有百分之百的完美。我知道。他自愈谅解，接受。我谅解，但无法接受。你这么做是责任还是这就是你，最自然的你？那天走过那张座子的时候我早就该预料到我们原来真的很不一样。你那疯狂的生活我接受不了。我说过我希望我的生活充满惊喜。但对于这感情我要的是稳定。我不需要繁复的高与低潮。我要的是稳定。我以为你给的了。但这段日子我也许看清楚了，那稳定你好像给不了。你那狂野的生活方式，我接受不了。

if you asked, if i agreed, it'll be a playful relationship. i wont take you seriously, because it doesnt seem like you do too. im not looking for something like that, im not looking for something so dangerous. i need security. can you give me that?

我以为自己很清楚了。我以为自己很肯定了。日子久了，不在一起相处的这段时间怎么自己也看清楚了。你的生活方式我接受不了。如果，我说如果，那就是最真实的你，最纯真的你，我能不能接受？我需要多少时间接受？接受不了，现在是不是时候放手？我又能不能放手？我该怎么放手。

were you trying to teach me something? You gave me the luxury that most people were envious of, you gave me this long illness which lasted longer than I thought. I'm not even completely out of it yet, it's coming back. But I guess these 2 incidents taught me something in common. Something I never exactly thought was important. Something... that would probably not be of priority especially when doing these activties. I did them for my future career, I did them out of pure interest. Not to make new friends, not to form lasting relationships (it usually doesn't happen so who cares?). I'm the type to wait for someone to approach me and to prove to me that this is a friendship you want, you are genuiene, you want to maintain contact even after this. If you could prove to me this is what you want, ok, I'll put in the effort. You're lucky if someone approaches you. And what if no one shows you they care about having a friendship? Then it's all work. I am here to work, complete my job, talk to you on occassions because I have to not because I want to, go home. Done. There's nothing more.

But I guess this challenges have shown me that when you distant yourself, or become 'phantom', no one is going to care. No stranger would walk up to you and grab you by the hand to pull you back in. You're on your own. I was lucky enough to have found/formed a group of my own in previous instances. This time its a little different. Been away for too long, weak connections that were once formed were either on the verge of breaking or have broken. The two dots that were never connected to begin with drifted even further away as if it never existed.

That's the hardest part isn't it. You took time and effort to form that weak little bond which had the potential to grow and thicken. Just one decision could break it all.

Maybe work isn't always just about work. Work is also about forming relationships, making work easier to get by. But how am I suppose to feel close and happy around someone I've only known for days? That's the beauty of relationships. It takes time and it takes effort. If it's meant to be, it'll work out. Sometimes it's less about the outcome of that relationship you were trying to build, sometimes its more of the process of getting it done, picking up skills, learning about yourself. They call that self-discovery.

Whatever that happened, I guess it was a reminder. You thought you were strong enough, I thought I could brush it off. I didn't laugh along or defend myself like I would use to. I probably wouldn't do that again. No, I'm not genuinely laughing. I don't genuinely think it was funny. I was beaten down by that sentence: "She's fatter than you, look at how skinny you are. " "Really?" (that doubt). If it came from a friend I wasn't close to, it's fine. I could choose to ignore you, to avoid you, to never see you again. But what if that came from a family member? Or in fact, in general, 3/5 of your family members felt the same way, define someone by the volume of their body, make nasty comments about how much fats they have and how plump they are? It's toxic isn't it? They are my family, I can't possibly avoid them to eject the negativity could I?

So tell me what's wrong with the way I look? I fall under the healthy-weight range. Is that not good enough? Was I suppose to fall into 'Underweight' just like her? Is that what you want? Even if it was, I'm not planning to fulfil your wish. 

I've been reminding myself to love yourself for the way you are. You are not perfect, no one is perfect. My imperfections define me, so why would I change? I believe in staying true to yourself, to be who you are, genuinely. This is part of my criteria for a friendship and even a relationship in future. They would have to love me a 100% for the way I am, they way I look. I'll do the same. A 100%. I'll be understanding towards their flaws and I'll appreciate their strengths. I'll accept their flaws, I'll love them for who they really are and I'll be so grateful that they are genuiene about this relationship. 

At least, that was what I thought I could do. But life isn't just a fairytale. 

I have no issues with finding friends who love you the way you are. After all, they would have left. I wouldn't have bothered holding on to them. 

--------

The first time you mentioned it. I laughed it off, as usual. I probably made a joke out of it and brushed it off, as usual. After all, I was more concerned with another question about us. You brought it up for the second time, I laughed it off again. We didn't talk about it further as I changed the subject, like we always did. I came to realise that it was bothering you. I don't know how much weight you place on this, but it bothers you. It contradicts your belief: to not change and be who you are. Really?

Whatever happened today was a reminder. A reminder that it will continue to haunt me in the future. There will be people pointing fingers at you. To them, I could choose to ignore and laugh it off. But would I do the same to you? It's about telling the truth, can I tell the truth? It's about acceptance, could you accept? would I accept that it bothers you?

I've talked about that dark place that I've came from. I've talked about how I was lucky enough to meet someone to pull me out from that darkest spot I was digging into. I talked about how it was so rare and coincidental that it happened. I'm thankful to that friend who dragged me out from there. I don't want to go back to that place. 

If I agreed to that, if it still bothers you so much, if i'm unwilling to change, it'll be toxic. It'll take be back down there. I don't want to. Hence, if I don't want to re-enter the dark spot, if you remain bothered by it, if I remain persistent, there's no future in this. Does this mean I give up? Does this mean I let go? I can't run away forever. 

Is it that difficult to love someone for who they really are? Is the size and shape of our body that important is a relationship? Is a relationship merely a display of "look how perfect my other-half is"? Is it merely flaunting? Do you decide to choose someone based on their outer apperance before persuading yourself that you love him/her both inside and out? 

If the size of someone matters, then maybe this was never meant for me.

会发生这样的事情是因为我以为自己可以很宽容，很大方。会让自己变成这样是因为我认为我总会学着接受。原来我一直只在欺骗自己。我没那么宽容、大方。看见那些照片我嫉妒了。有点难过。开始那一轮“是我想太多”。对于那一切我很不舒服，只是你能了解吗？嫉妒是再正常的事情。只是嫉妒也要有极限。我能忍受的有多少？你能接受多少？因为不想变得野蛮，也许推出这场游戏对彼此都好。

我不舍，这是正常的。只是别忘记你当初做这决定的原因。因为你无法接受，因为他不会改变，因为你不想到最后彼此的关系变得更糟。

我不会后悔，对吧？

也许做回朋友真的没想象中难。也许做回朋友我们都会更快乐。做回朋友我没资格吃醋、我没自己嫉妒、我没资格要求。也许做回朋友一切都会更简单。让生活回到原点或许不会像想象中恐怖。也许你会更快乐。Maybe it's time for me to return to the person I used to be. It turns out that telling you too much didn't work. I was foolish enough to believe it would make things work. It only kept you from telling me eveything else. It only kept you from thinking that I was thinking too much. It made you believe that I trusted you when I didn't. It turned eveything into a one-sided conversation and one-sided belief that it would work. 那不是我要的。Someday when I'm brave enough, maybe I'll tell you the truth, that I was never comfortable with all of that. 我只不过只是在欺骗自己：我很大方。

it's a game of trust. 我以为我可以信任你。我以为我可以那么大方，那么宽容。我错了。我从来就没相信过你。这阵子都是我在欺骗自己。I never once trusted you. I don't trust you. Maybe I'll never learn to do that. 也许这能解释一切。

这阵子你好奇的，我都一一回答。这是努力。我努力的说服自己，我可以相信你。是不是因为最近压力大了，变名感了？不知道。我只知道我之前渐渐在拆下的墙壁得再次从建起来。因为我不能再相信你。我告诉你太多了。

你说我好奇的，问你，你会回答。但我从来不问。若我不问，你是不是永远就不说？那矛盾是不是永远纠结不开？这是我的问题吧。还是你的？我努力的，在不必你多问的情况下，都告诉你。你能不能也一样。是不是我要求太高。

信任，原来那么重要。我无法信任你。若没信任，若我不回复，你是不是会理所当然的认为是我忙而不是故意不回复。也许那不重要。重要的是这段时间不见面不联络也许是最好的。我们回到不认识对方的时候，过着自己的生活。也许就会发现没彼此其实日子也没那么难过。其实我们各走各的，没那么困难。或许你会被别人的好看得跟清楚。也许就不会做错决定，后悔、难过。其实一直以来你就想这样，把生活带回原点，回到原来的自己，没你的自己。也许放开真的没有你想象中那么难。给自己一个星期，我想你会习惯的。就像当时一样。你会习惯的。你也许会有些犹豫，但是别忘记，你还有朋友。你并不孤独。

因为不相信你。因为没安全感。因为想太多。所以得放手。放手真的没那么难。

也许有些事情说出来会更好吧？上个学期的你的这个学期的你，不一样。上个学期的我和这个学期的我，也不一样。说不上什么变了，你的心态？我们的互动？你变得冷酷，但也同时变得更热情。我们聊了更多，我跟你说的事情也更多，跟你在一起也更舒服了。这是好事。但是怎么了。是不是我要求太高？你那冷酷的一面我是因不过来。也许你想表达的心情和我认为你想表达的心情不一样？好冷。好不像上个学期的你。我以为我肯定了，我以为很好了，是不是考试时期所以彼此的情绪都不太稳定，比较敏感？还是这又是你所谓的“考验”？我讨厌这种幼稚的游戏。为什么我们就不能坦白一点。是不是我自己想太多，太敏感？there will be the good and the bad. 我知道。但知道了，也得接受。did i interpret it wrongly? i don't think i did. 也许这就是你，也许习惯就好。

人与人之间的沟通还需要信任。知道你之前经过了很多关于信任的问题所以在朋友之间的互动难免会不信任。我学着理解我学着接近我学着体谅。我能明白。但明白不代表能接受。你说你不信任，若不信任我们还沟通什么。若不信任我们还算朋友吗？你把我当成朋友吗？原来人与人之间可以沟通的很好你可以幻想你们之间的关系很好。但这种所谓很要好的感情也许是你没看在眼里也许我一厢情愿。只不是该说声对不起打扰了。还是因该说声我会继续努力？你不信任我说的话，也感觉你教朋友只是为了自私的原因。我能了解，因为身边就有个这样的人。当然没你夸张。我们是不是只是在互相利用？我不太喜欢被利用的感觉。你会是个好朋友但是这段友情你要不要？交个朋友像你这样很累人。would you be another 'come and go friend'? Would be another case of 'I'll keep you around because you've got good use to me'? Would you be another case of simply a 'spare tyre friend'? 和你交朋友有点累。你问为什么安静。我问了。你不回答。好累。和你交谈只能聊你想聊的话题。和你交谈什么都不能问。和你交谈好像变成了单方面的问答题。你好奇。我回答。你得到你要的答案，你得到你想要的娱乐。OK conversation ends. 这是不是个问答节目？你一心只想着不要别人来赞你的便宜，你一心不想让别人来了解你，关于学校，考试更不能问。除非对你来说有好处。除非你会有所会意。你现实的想法没错。只是不该用在教朋友之间的关系。只会拉开距离。你现实是好事，只是太冷。我以为很好了，我以为我们变得亲近了。是我看错了？是吗。我不能太过于责怪你，你有你的故事，那故事我问了你也不会说。那故事因该是复杂黑暗的吧

原来。你好像真的生气了。我了解。因为换成是我的话我也一样会生气。想骂你、想指责你，但是不能这么做。因为我没资格。也许今天我们因该见面的，因该说清楚的。 after all, communication is key. 对不起，没澄清。你不舒服，你有压力，不想因为这“读书”的问题再给你添麻烦。所以没问。没想到到头来，搞出更大的问题。没沟通，问题就出现了。你会让我等毒瘤，我需要等多久，其实见个面说清楚就没事了。但是因为我们只是朋友，不能这么做。我很抱歉，真的真的很抱歉。我因该这么跟你说的，但是我没资格。因为我们只是朋友。

你都开口问了，还让我答应你。可是我没遵守诺言。你早已预料到，还是觉得莫名其妙？

我因该通知你的。我没那么做。在很美满的情况下，让你知道以后你会放心。在很美满的情况下，我会告诉你。因为我知道你在乎，我知道你真心关心。但是在这个现实的世界里，那句话对我来说只是个 add-on。它不重要，你不认真，我不说也无所谓，说了也罢。就是这样。因为这样所以没打算说。此时此刻要求你问我，我知道要求够高。毕竟这不是你。追究不是你的性格。我不说，你也就不问。是不是因为这样你们最后都分手了？

我们两之间的界限是不是我自己把它画清楚还是我们不合的性格画清给我们看？

你说的那堆谎言我不是不知道。只是选择伪装、相信。你把我当傻子，也好。
I guess now we're quits. 你撒谎。我看穿了。但是我依然根据你的剧本走，说完剧本里的对话。是，我不诚实。跟你一样，不诚实。

剧本里的对话也写得够烂。Sorry.

你诚实的告白，你始终不变的心，我相信。我以为你不一样了。我相信你了。我被你说的话打动了。今天才发现 a leopard never changes its spots. Never. 你其实还是一样，一样花心。你没变，我在期待什么。亏我把你想的那么好。你的甜言蜜语把我的视线变得模糊了。

我们之间只是朋友所以我没资格生气，没资格厌倦你这样的行为。亏我还以为自己看走眼，错过了一个那么好的人。原来是我看走眼了。你们都一样。你还是你。没变。不会变。

你在玩我，你在利用我。我也一样。我们彼此在利用对方，giving each other emotional support. We're quits. 我们这样的关系你好像不太介意。我也一样。我们就这样互相利用彼此吧。我也不必愧疚。多好。

说没关系，说我不在乎，说无所谓，那些都是写给自己的一堆谎言。我在乎。你说的话我多在乎，我都在聆听，我都记住。也便便因为这样，我受伤。过了，you've crossed the line. it's beyond my comfort zone. 我不能不说，不能不回答。不是不想说，不是不想回答。只是不舒服。i'm uncomfortable and upset that it concerns you that much, that it matter to you that much. something that i wished you wouldn't be too concerned about. 我以为你不一样。其实你和别人都一样，都在乎。

从前从前有个人爱你很久。但偏偏雨渐渐把距离吹得好远。

我们之间的距离是你自己造成的。我知道，你希望我们之间的距离能拉进一些，你希望我不会在我们之间画清界限。我知道你希望我能在告诉你这一切的时候发现其实我们之间的距离没那么遥远。可是你这么做似乎只把我推得更远。我们原来那么不一样，我们在乎的原来那么不一样。未来的日子里我能这样过着吗？

it didnt turn out like expected. well, life is full of surprises i guess. i should be greatful for that conversation i guess. because i came to realize that you dont seem to be the one im looking for. 我以为自己会答应，i'll have to think twice. can i live with this? can i live with this sadness/upset/hitting my self-confidence/threatning it. i can't. i don't want to.

雨渐渐把距离吹得好远好远。

终于见面了。

你是不是也一样发现我们之间的距离好像变得遥远了。原本走的那么近，但因为一时踏错步，彼此的步伐不一样了，节奏也变了，我们离彼此更远，不再肩并肩的走下去。

我发现更多我不知道的事。你也一样。惊讶吧？我也一样。你依然用着同样的眼神，我们依然的谈天，但之间的距离其实我们都了解。共同的话题、兴趣好像不一样。our conversations no longer flow as smoothly. We find it hard to find something to talk about. We attempt to catch up and find out about how each of us are doing. But the spark's gone. Conversations don't flow as smoothly. 断断续续。那透明的墙壁似乎越来越明显，你发现到了吗？or is it just me.

很高兴能见面。但怎么就不一样了？是不是因为发现原来我不知道的有那么多还是一直希望自己不必问你也会说的那种对话？我在期待什么。

没有了我，你回到了原来的自己。那就是你。躲在图书馆里念书的人，那不是你。
没有了你，我的生活一样过。有了自己的选择，能做出自己的决定。不必为任何人负责。只为自己负责。不必愧疚。这样不好吗？

对不起，从前的自己这样把你绑下。我们彼此失去了自由，失去了话题。放松了，我们再次回到自己的生活。没有了我你似乎过的更好。我们以后是不是这样过着就好？

我们很不一样，这点你说对了。和你相处，我发现我们真的很不一样。也许你尝试过让我们有共同点，让我们相同。但是到最后我们都认同我们很不一样。你无法接受的，是我无法／不打算改变的。因为那就是我。不知道你是不是希望我会有一天改变？对不起，我不打算改变，有些事情我也因该改变不了。

我喜欢我们单独在一起时的时间，和你谈话时我是快乐的。但是这就足够了吗？不够吧？或许这时我因该借此机会找到一个明确的答案。给自己，给你，一个交代。

no wonder they say the social media is toxic. the more you see, the more you know. the more doubts there are, the more questions you'll ask. it threatens trust, it threatens confidence. was it a mistake to begin with?

我们之间没有发现很大的摩擦，我们没吵架，没误会。一切都很好。只是最近我们好像都不约而同的“决定”给自己时间，空出时间给自己和自己的朋友。暂时回到了自己的生活。就像从前那样。就像一切发生前，那样。给了彼此呼吸的空间，不再像从前一样天天见面。似乎发现少了你的生活来的不一样。我无法习惯。变得不快乐。闷闷不乐。我不喜欢这样的自己，我想回到从前快乐的自己。no wonder they all say it's toxic. it really is. 你没擦觉，但它就是这样渐渐的影响你的情绪，让你悲观，让你不自在，让你怀疑。是负面的，我想我不需要。

暂时离开了，有了空间。发现你不在真的不一样。但同时也擦觉你对我的生活原来有那么大的影响。我不想要我的世界只围绕着你。也不希望你为了我减少与朋友的交流。也许放了手握才能找回从前的自己，也许放了手握才能找回为自己创造的快乐，不需要你来带给我快乐。

i took the first step in bringin my life back to how it was. I went back to my constant. To what I was doing. it felt good. things are going back to normal, to how it used to be. right?

我不希望这只是我给自己的幻想。真心希望能回到从前，那不需要依赖着你也可以很好的从前。你有你的生活，我也不例外。跟你在一起的那段日子我确实很开心。偶尔因该会想念，偶尔因该会希望一切能重演， 毕竟它真的很美丽。但是现在因为画不清界线变得不快乐。也许我必须需要站开，清清楚楚的看好现在的状况，看好自己到底有多糟糕。你不在，不一样了。但我会习惯。就像从前一样。习惯你会自动来找我。习惯读书时不会一个人。习惯你会一直都在。现在变了。我会习惯你不在，我会习惯你说“等一会儿见”但最终没出现，我会习惯现在在我身旁与我读书的人不再是你了，我会习惯走回的路线不一样了，我会习惯你不在关心，我会慢慢习惯在次一个人。一个人的生活。

你有你的生活。我也一样。你活在你的世界里。我也一样。我们还是互不相关。就像从前一样。

是不是自己不够努力？是不是自己不够好？是不是这科根本就不适合我？是不是选错了？是不是做错了决定？每当遇到这些事情就对自己起了疑心。是不是自己做错了决定？但是不修读这科的话，我也不知道自己还能读什么了。我喜欢我现在读的，享受，不比从前来的折磨。但是喜欢，有兴趣，就代表能考好吗？即使努力了也未必。起码这是我看到的。我喜欢我在读的科目，我努力。我花了一整个星期读。甚至改变了读书的方式。怎么还是考不好。我无法理解。是我对自己的要求吗？is getting an average score not good enough for you? 有些人会高兴。但是来到大学，不一样了。我们要比别人考得更好。这样不够。最让我纳闷的是明明自己可以做到的（逼近从前都是这样）怎么现在比起别人做得没那么好。我知道我明明可以做得更好，我明明有努力。怎么成绩还是一样。明明改变的读书方式。怎么还是一样。没变。我想比他们考得更好。我明明因该比他们考得更好。that's a given, no? 不想被别人看不起。想达到我想要的梦想。i want to prove you wrong. i want to make you feel guilty for laughing at my dreams. 可是怎么就是做不到。我要怎样才能考得更好。是不是梦想和目标来的更重要？是不是不盲目的阅读才重要？我清楚自己想要的，但为什么成绩就不能也一样好？

我在等的那个人是不是就是你？这几天没联络，少见面，我想了很多。你不在的时候确实不一样。

但，这是因为习惯的问题吗？是不是久而久之你不在了我就会习惯没有你的日子，一切就回到从前？

矛盾。你让我很矛盾。想要，但又不要。希望你在，又希望你不在。

下个星期你会在吗？

如果说没想，那是谎言。

是不是自己不够现实？是不是自己不够自私？是不是只有现实和自私的人才会有成就？是不是只有他们才会有所谓稳定个工作，明亮的前途？我试着让自己自私，现实过。变成了这个人以后我确实变得冷淡了，我的心变了。变得如此冷淡，我还能再爱吗？

看见了这样的自己，你是不是吓到了？会逃跑吗？会犹豫吧？会从新想想这是不是你要的对吧？在你印象中我因该再也丑陋不了了。你都看清楚了。我让你看清楚了。你还会不会留下？我还会不会留下？

原本以为已定好的结局原来一直都在改变。as the saying goes, the only constant is change. 

不可否认我有时候也在想：我这么拼命到底是为了什么？为什么那么努力学习，为什么那么努力的找机会吸取经验，为什么让自己那么累？绕了一大圈，到头来才发现，你可以选择不那么做。但别忘了，你身边的人就你那么拼命、那么努力。你可以选择不那么做，只是到最后是你自己吃亏。想着想着才发现，其实努力拼命的不只是自己，身边的朋友也一样不是吗？可能只是大家不说出来罢了。

累。其实不一定是件坏事。累。可以让我暂时把你忘掉、暂时不想。暂时不那么心痛。这不一定是件坏事情。这不是。

你清楚的说过，我们是来自两个世界的人。我们不一样。当时，我不明白。我不太明白为什么你会那么认为。我们都很多共同点啊，没什么天大的不同。为什么你会这么说？
你说我很冷漠，你说我是个很难接近的女生，非常冷酷。但即使这样，你还是愿意放进心思和时间来认识我。
但，同时，你也说了你的话不能相信。你说哪里可能藏了一些谎言。你说你愿意，那是不是个谎言？
我们就像来自不同世界的人。原来你指的是性格上的差别。原来不是表面上，例如爱好的相同。过了那么久，我这时才发现我们真的有点不同。不，真的很不同。they say people can work out their differences. they say they've seen the most similar people fall apart and the most different people work it out somehow. 我们会不会这样？你说你就是喜欢我们的不同。因为我们真的很不同。但你会不会有一天，这不同，带来了差别？
有些话好想好想说，有时候好像好像直接。但是害怕。你也一样害怕。我不知道自己适不适合，不知道怎么处理。你害怕揭穿以后不是你要的结果。我们都有各自的问题。
是，省委了解状况的人因该由我来处理。但是我矛盾太多，疑问太多。我希望你会在，可是又不想让你觉得这是个负担，所以冷酷。如果可以坦白，多好。

If only you could be more considerate. You always say how you can sense other's feelings, how you are sensetive, how you are a person with 'sense' to know what is going on. Yet, for countless number of times, you've failed to show me so. I don't get it. I don't get how you are a person with 'sense', the ability to detect other's feelings and their wants, their likes and dislikes towards what you've said or what you've asked them to do. Once again, today, you've proven me right, you are someone self-centered. You'll consider your needs and your wants before others and act as logically and selfishly to benefit yourself. No doubt, the road is so-called 'along the way'. after all, i'm travelling to the west. Yet, you jolly well know that I dislike and am uncomfortable about travelling to places i'm uncertain about. You still make me do it. Yes, you're under a lot of stress and you're tired. But me too. I feel drained and the lsat thing I need you to do is to add on to that level of stress I'm experiencing now. That was I lat thing I needed you to do but you did it. It's not as if that place is inconvenient. It is in fact considered VERY convinient. So why would you, as someone with a lot of 'sense', make me do it? You're smart. You would appear to question and be concern with the chrages, the conditions and appear to help. But i'm sorry, it doesn't. At the end of the day, you would brush it off, guilt-trip me and you'll get what you want. You know your way around this. You're experienced. And now, you're acting indifferent about it. You're making me regret taking it on. Yes, I do realise the importance of it. I know you're worried about it. But from what i see as of now, its just ANOTHER interview you''re going for. Doesn't play that much of an important role. I truly dislike you for making me do this when I am obviously uncomfortable about it. Why. I should have said no. Outright no. But I know, you'll go on and tell the others how I refuse to fetch you although its 'along the way' and that I'm selfish. Or maybe you're doing this to boast? I don't know. I only have one thing on my mind now. You. get attached asap. so that that someone you found would take care of you and i wont have to. so that I have a good reason  to tell you know and ask him to do it. burden.

我绕了一大圈才发现原来是我错了。 听了你说那番话，说真的，心碎了。原来当你最想要的东西被抢走时你才懂得珍惜。你有许多我不懂的秘密，今天才发现。为什么你从来都没说，还是我自己没擦觉，没问？好想大声哭出来，但是没眼泪。好伤心，好像是被去年的感觉。他们没有必要隐瞒我，他们被有必要欺骗我，所以我选择相信他们的话。我很伤心，很难过。好想大声哭出来。原来这阵子你是这么过着的。难怪过了那么久你没问了。难怪你会不太在乎。只因为你一直一直有她在。原本以为我们是特别的。原本以为我们做的事情是独特，只有我们，没有别人。我好难过。原来我们是那么的普通，原来你对我就想你常说的“朋友”。突然好累，突然好想逃跑，我好难过。原来我没有想象中呢么特别。是不是之前应该早点说清楚让你知道？幸好没说。不然我不会知道。不然我会一直一直被蒙在鼓里。知道了就好。我知道你很难过，不过一切会更好的。就像你说的，再坏也不会坏到哪里去。只要学会放下,move on, 不就没事了。一切会更好的。会更好。别难过太久。别想了。你会更好。没了他你会更好。

I dont know what I want anymore. Is it the same for you? I thought I was pretty certain, I thought everything was going well. Only until you did it again, I came to a sudden realization that it was always the same. things never changed. It doesnt matter whether you meant what you said. It mattered that I took it to heart. It mattered that I took it for real. And once again, we're back to the topic, the same old topic of self-confidence. I never once told you about it. You're probably not expecting it too. Self-confidence issues and me dont seem to go together. Or at least what I seem to portray. It took me a while, quite some time, quite some luck to meet the right people and the right oportunities, quite a huge amount of bravey and perseverance to bring myself to where I am today. Self-confidence never really seemed like much of an issue in primary school. I mean, what WAS self-confidence? It was never part of my dictionary. Moving on in life, peers, seniors, tutors have made me realize that this is a HUGE problem. And I've got to solve it. It took me a while to realize this problem and find the tough way out. I hated it. I hated whatever I was doing to myself. I hated my roles, hated taking on leadership positions. But I pressed on knowing that I'll eventually emerge to be the person I wanted to be. True enough, I definitely became more confident. But it wasnt enough. That was just the start. I was confident. But about what? But why? For what? The concept seemed unclear and yes of course I was terribly confused. I knew I was great to have attained these goals but what else? What aspects of myself can I be confident about? These are merely achievemnts that are shallow, on the surface. I need something deeper. I need that force, that reminder that I'm great. It wasn't until I chanced upon this amazing friend who reminded me just how great I was. While it made him embarrased, he was generous with his compliments. He made me realize how amazing I could be. Coupled with the activities in school, I felt as if I've found that self-confidence they were all talking about. Fast-forward, then we met. I knew you liked the level of self-confidence, I do too. But with all that comments after getting to know each other, this 'self-confidence' seems threatned. I'm beginning to feel insecure and these comments are making me feel uncomfortable. Yes, I brush it off with a smile/laugh/joke. But that doesn't mean it's ok for you to continue with your actions. It's not ok. You could mean it for real or you were joking, it doesn't matter. It doesnt matter because no matter the truth, I feel threatened. We've talked about this before. In fact we find outselves apologising for it. I thought things would change. It doesnt and it probably wont. after all, why would it change? Right now, I'm at a total loss. I don't know what to do. I knew my answer, so confidently. But now, now that it keeps reoccuring, now that this 'self-confidence' feels threatened, now that I get upset over it, now that my emotions are affected so terribly by it, now that I feel so afraid to return back to where I came from, the thought of having to work right up from the bottom pit sucks. I knew my answer but now I'm stuck in a dilemma. I don't want to feel bad about myself but you're making me do it. I thought about it. I thought I was going to end it all. Once and for all. It's going to hurt. There are so many things I'm going to miss. But I don't want to end up hurting myself even more by speaking to you. I thought I was going to end it all, real soon. After all, it seems like a good time given that we're both so busy right now. A good time. Yet, just as I was so determined, you came back and went back to your usual self. What am I suppose to do about it. I'm tired.

I'll end it. But if you care enough to notice, then do something about it.

Because I dont want to go back there anymore. No more.

事实已摆在眼前，他们明明就是对你最好、最重要的朋友、最了解你的朋友。你为什么就是看不出来？谢谢你们对我那么好。对不起我没好好珍惜，对不起美好好跟你们说声“谢谢”。有你们在，我很感动。其实一直以来一直都是你们在鼓励我，可能是自己忘了你们对我的好。对不起。总是这样，希望时光能到流。终是这样，希望能回到从前。回到从前，我也许会更珍惜你门，我也许会更努力让我们能继续当“好朋友”。因为从前的自己总是为自己找出101个理由，我们才会疏远。这也许也可以是一种教训。看清楚了对你好的朋友，好好珍惜。会对你好的朋友不多。好好珍惜吧。

来了个陌生的号码。谁？不记得了。曾经换了手机，曾经弄丢了号码，懒得在输入进手机。所以变得陌生了。谁啊。如果是你。。。只可惜。即使时光倒流我也许还是会做出同样的决定。

谢谢你。谢谢你们。

无缘无故的担心，无缘无故的难过，无缘无故的压力。为什么？是不是因为发现突然之间有很多事情得做？这突如其来的压力，我其实不太想要。生活中有所波动是好的。但不是这个时候来好吗？

我说自己一个其实也不错。是没关系。但是怎么觉得那么难说服自己。沉静在一个人的美好是真心觉得自己一个人也可以很好还是只是在安慰自己？

期待。也只能期待。未来。

那天晚上，我独自一个人在图书馆里。望着外面的夜景，好美。对面的办公室还开着灯。那么迟了原来还在加班。路上还有很多车。车灯从楼上往下，好美。他们是赶着回家吗？赶下班？还是与家人朋友吃夜宵？这些细节构成了一个美丽的图案。谢谢。你真的很美。图书馆里好平静。灯光照的刚刚好。只听见有人在电脑上打字的声音，只听见翻阅书本的声音，只听见有人慌忙的做笔记。这桌子只有我一个人。就喜欢这样。没人打扰。好平静。内心是安宁的。在这里呆了一整天，旁边偶尔被人暂居，偶尔是空着的。以这种平静来结束这特别的一天是最好的礼物。谢谢你。

想在你面前“真”，真的不容易。因为“真”包含了一个人的好与坏。人类是比较会注意，记得一个人的坏。不能怪他们，那是为了生存。但是因为只会注意到坏的方面，想说服自己“真”，故意把好与坏都放出来真的很难。我经常都在挣扎，如果伪装一些，把坏的藏起来其实也没什么不好。我们不都希望别人对我们有个正面的印象吗？也许“真”可以是一个人最独特的一面，可以让人喜欢上他，想与他接触。只因为他“真”。但同时，不了解他的人，只记得他缺点的人会选择避开也可能会批评。好无辜。好不公平。因为这样，我经常都在挣扎。要“真”吗？“真”起来，其实是对自己的一种自爱，自信的表态。因为爱自己的性格，因为懂得自爱，因为知道这就是自己包容自己的缺点，因为知道即使别人看透了坏处还是想跟你再一起，所以才“真”。因为对自己很有信心，很有自信。畏惧“真”是因为害怕当别人看见你缺点的时候会用那缺点当把柄，取笑你，作弄你，让你不舒服，让你的自信降落，回到最黑暗的时候。好不容易，辛辛苦苦建立起来的自信就因为一时的疏忽，全垮了。我不想再回到没自信的时候，我不想再回到那黑暗的时候，我不要。从哪里努力爬出来，经过了许多压力，我变得有自信多了。不想因为别人对我的批评而在此被拉回去。是，我害怕。我害怕再次回到那里。我不要。我不想回去。那日子有许多的自卑，那日子有许多的挣扎。我不要。我好不容易遇见的一个贵人，好不容易有人把我自卑明显地说出口，好不容易得到了帮助，你好不容易的让我发现我其实可以很好，这一切的“好不容易”。如果再次回到那里会不会再有“好不容易”和贵人的帮助？那时候的我是幸运的。

所以我希望你能了解。我“真”确实是为了想让你看到我的好与坏。当然是希望你能看好坏。看清楚了再决定。但同时，让你看见“坏”不是放出来给你取消给你做弄。你取消我的时候我可以一笑而过，装着不理会。但是我们都是演员。批着一个面具其实没那么难。是，这听起来已有所矛盾。我不是说要“真” 吗？那是我自己做出的决定。如果当场“真”的话，我会表现出不太一样的表情。会尴尬。我一笑而过不带表没受伤害，不代表不再理会，不代表你因此能够再次作出同样的举动。那是客气。你说的每一句批评，我都记得。因为你我好想有得被拉回那黑暗的无底洞。 If you're kind enough, please stop. Be kind. Be nice. is it that difficult? why do you have to be so mean and rude? what's so difficult about being nice and showering someone with praises to make their day? I guess this is a reminder for myself as well. Be nice and be sensitive towards others feelings. We can all be hurt. Words can hurt. Be nice. 

其实你做的每一件事情我都看在眼里。我知道你害怕。我也一样其实也不太清楚这是怎么一回事。我以为一切都很好，我以为自己可以很勇敢。其实我也害怕。因为不知道所以害怕。不是的话又怎么会知道？是怕试了以后的结果比现在更糟。因为珍惜所以才害怕。

其实我真的有很多话想对你说。你问过有没有想你。很想诚实的回答但是因为害怕你误会所以一直都没说。想念，我当然想念你这个朋友。我怎能不想念。你是我认识第一个这么直接，对自己这么有信心的朋友。你是第一个让我发现到原来我可以那么好。是你让我找回了自信。让我有今天的自己。你有时候很烦，很幼稚。但是就因为生活已经那么无聊了才需要像你这种朋友。谢谢你的出现。真心诚意感谢，感激我们能够认识。我知道我们就像是来自不同宇宙的朋友，其实并没有什么共同点。但是也可能因为这样，才觉得你很特别，才觉得你其实还值得想念的。you're like a 4-dimensional human being. not everyone understands you or would want to associate themselves with you.但是因为这样你才是特别的。因为这样你才会在别人的生活中留下一个生克的印象。感谢这世界上会有那么独特的你。感谢能遇见你。感谢我们曾经是朋友。在未来的日子里我们还会不会联络？我不清楚。因为你就像那一艘船，想来就来想走就走，不喜欢有牵挂，不喜欢受约束。而我就像是海岸。喜欢稳定。不敢冒险。想念我这个朋友的话你就回来。你不能呆太久。没一下子又走了。只希望你会回来。期待我们下一次再次见面。这个朋友想你：）

还忘了说，谢谢你记得我的生日。原来有个人能记住你的生日是这么开心，特别的意见事情。太幸福了。

或许是我说错了什么，还是你有所领悟，也可能是。。。

101个也许，或许，可能。想着想着也发现了就算知道了又怎么样？一切的事实不会改变。还是一样。没改变。既然打

我因该说声“谢谢”的对吧？很多时候，我们都被情绪控制住，失去了理智的想法。

最近那件事情，好像把自己从梦中吵醒了。突然被拉回现实生活，突然把情况搞清楚。看清了是好事。原来你对别人都那么好。

是时候把自己拉开，是时候保持距离。需要站得开一点才能理智的思考。这是你要的吗？想清楚了才会做出明智的决定，因为我不想后悔。因为害怕，可能会因此而错过。但错过好过以后会带来的伤痛、尴尬。好聚好散其实没那么容易。

我认识的你和你真正的你有多大的差别？可能暂时的距离能给我我需要的答案。

昨天因为发生了一些事情让我想了很多。想了一整晚以为今天早上就没事了。我那么做是不是错了？我是不是不应该刻意的让你看到我的缺点？那恐怖的缺点？但是若你不看见，你以后会后悔的。所以才没办法。

昨天发生的事情不是很大件事。it was just a passing remark I guess. But it led on to think about other aspects. 我知道家人可贵。昨天低于这个想法有所领悟。是，家人，他们最了解你了。他们看见你的缺点，了解你的缺点，但是不会因此因为不太了解你而刺伤你。他们太了解你了。所以你不会受到伤害。让你看见缺点是因为爱你。相反的，你那么做反而像是取笑？你不了解我，所以对我的行为取下的你认为是最正确的定义。I'm slightly offended to be honest.

今天早上和姐妹分享了我的决定。很舒服，很自在。我不怕被他们看扁，不怕他们取笑。I'm not afraid that they'll jump into conclusions about my behavior and hurt me like you did. 为什么？因为他们是家人，他们了解我。所以我无所谓。they gave comments without judging me. I guess that's what I need. You didn't give me that.

那是件很小的事情，为什么我会收到那么大的影响？because it accumulated over time. 一直都在想。 it's always been at the back of my mind. 这次才看清楚。if we can't work as a team then what's the point? It ends. There. You can't and shouldn't avoid it just because. 我不需要这种人。

Once again, how it progresses, let's just watch and see how things turn out. But as of yesterday, it's another hamburger. I believe it's the same for you too. 只可惜。

我不需要你来告诉我我是谁。我不需要你给我订下个定义。 don't tell me who i am. don't even attempt to define who i am. 我很清楚我是谁。对我来说那就够了。

你问过我为什么不让人看我手机，为什么不把密码告诉别人。你有什么不可告人的秘密吗？没有。我没什么秘密。我只是害怕世界上会有想你这种人，people who don't know their boundaries. people who over-step and over-do it without consciously realising it. 我让你看见了真正的自己。你看透了。是我的错。我发现这一点也不好。想让你看清楚，让你明白我就是这样的人。but you over did it. or rather, i over did it. 让你看得太清楚了。and now you're crossing the boundary with all your comments and doubts. 真的，在我生活里我不需要像你这种人。这种看扁我的人。亏我把你当成朋友，然你看透了我的性格。伤害我自尊心的人， 对不起。我不需要。get out. 这好像已经不是第一次了。你到底要我忍多久。

不过有你也好，起码你让我明白了“面具”的重要性。原来戴着面具好像才会过得更舒服。是， 做人要勇敢面对自己的缺点。要包容自己，爱护自己。可是把性格这样破开让大家看清楚，到最后伤害的人好像就是自己。我很不舒服。这么了解，这么清楚的让我看清我很不舒服。我知道那是自己的缺点，但起码我有努力啊。明明知道在这行业我做不久，明明知道这行业不再找像我这种性格的人，我便便隐隐就要进。起码我努力啊不是吗。起码我有想改变，为了想改变就把自己放进这处境。才可以进步。算了，反正你也不会明白。对你来说，那也只会是我想出的101个谎言和借口。所以算了。didn't you realise i wasn't even attempting to defend myself? didn't you realise that behind all that smiles and laughter was a hurt and tired soul? yeah maybe you were just wayyyy too involved into making me a laughing stock and putting me down. maybe you were just too involved into making me feel inferior. enough is enough. why do i bother doing this. why do i bother keeping people around me who are only making me unhappy. who are you to determine my emotions and who are you to end this day on a bad note. you're not deserving of this at all.

不知道因不因该说你了解我还是不够了解我。还会因该说你只了解我让你看到的我，你还不了解另一面的我。这面具从今以后是不是因该永远带上。

why did i get myself involved with someone like you. someone who only puts me down. someone who only points out my flaws. 我真的不太需要像你这种朋友。真的。im not saying that i need friends who would shower me with praises all day  everyday. i just need a friend who treats me right. a friend i feel comfortable around. a friend whom i want to keep, i want to have. 我希望你自己也想清楚。如果你也一样受不了，就不要来打扰我。dont mess up my life.

有时候我真心希望能够对你坦白一点。这样下去我们都不快乐。我不太习惯这样的你。不关心，不在乎。有点冷酷无情的样子。我不喜欢。非常非常讨厌。但我又能真么样。我们逼近只是朋友。你也一样认为我只把你当成朋友。今天我用了不一样的方法。看见了更多东西也发现了更多问题。是好是坏？好，在于看清楚。坏，在于不习惯？还是因为不喜欢我所发现的事情？人，若果能对彼此坦白一些那该多好。我们都这样希望。但是坦白不简单。他会有自己的后果。而后果得自负。负责不起也只能后悔。我不想后悔。你为什么要这样做。难道你还不明白吗。or did I overdo it? But it wasn't intentional. 还是你生气了所以才这样？did I cross the line? 好想问。but it's inappropriate. 我不能问。这样的你我不太习惯。还是我没看清楚。亏我还白想着未来。因为幻想出的未来太完美了，无瑕疵。被拉回现实世界才看清楚。把我从梦里吵醒了。是不是因该对今天所发生的事情说声“谢谢”。我感激。但我也失望。今天好烦好烦。我想躲避。我想回家。想自己一个驾着车回家。回家路上有我最喜爱的歌曲播放，有美丽的夕阳陪伴。这样也许能暂时忘掉烦恼。忘了今天发生的事情。虽然段站，可我现在真的很需要。我想回家但回不了。学业。写完以后，发泄秦绪以后是不是就能专心。脑袋里是不是就能因此只装着关于学业的事情。能不能回到从前的自己。一心只想着学业。一心只想着课外活动。一心只想着工作。把心里装的满满的，把脑里装的满满的，就没空间装进这些不重要的想法。读书。努力读书。那是现在最重要的。这些鲜榨人等不重要。不要为了他们烦恼。不要为了他们花费时间。读书。忘掉。读书。明天还得上课。没时间了。读书。

你说过到了大学我会发现哪个朋友是真诚的，哪个不该相信。哪个可以依赖，哪个会在我最需要他们的时候陪在身旁。这过程会很黑暗，升至对友情绝望。但是到最后，它会有个完美的结局。因为我会发现谁对我好，哪个朋友才值得珍惜。

其实日常生活中我们都会不知觉的发现哪个朋友才是真诚的。这么解释好像没必要，好像是理所当然的过程。但因为你这么清楚的描述，我好像不得不相信，不得不提放。

在这几个月的期间，你的提醒我都牢记在心。但也好像不知觉的，对于每件事情，想得台多。我都会牵扯到你所过的话。好像变的比较敏感。说真的我不太喜欢这样的自己。

如果不知道会不会比较好？

slow internet. web browser that takes forever to load. extra charges. complaints that i have no time to listen to. chunks of words that i dont understand. everything.

不知为什么，我最近感到很压力。每件小事情（OK尤其是很慢很慢的internet speed最惹人厌）。心情本来就不太好，再加上很慢的internet speed，受不了了。

多么希望自己可以放慢脚步。懂得更珍惜身边的一切。

“你好像很无忧无虑。”
是啊。回到当时的自己吧。不要这么有压力好吗。懂得放轻松好吗。there really isn't that much to do that you need to be so stressed. chill.老毛病。

有了社交网站以后我觉得自己变了。好像变的比较在乎表面，变的比较在乎别人的意见，变的不像自己。不舒服。

不舒服就把它消除不就行了吗？是啊。uninstall, delete, done. 要不就不理睬好啦。你想证明什么？给谁看？他们会在乎吗？为什么做人就不能诚恳一点。为什么就不能证实一点，做回自己。为什么你那么在乎别人的看法。那是你的，属于你的，就是你的了。

在这方面，我很希望自己能进步。有很大的进步空间。希望能找对方向。希望自己不要执迷不悟。清醒一点吧。if it's going to be so unhealthy and uncomfortable, I would rather you stay away from it once and for all.

首先，找出你用这系统的原因。

害怕？害怕。我当然害怕。我不想以后的生活像你这样。过的不快了。结婚以后才发现你的另一半和你其实不适合。是。你是个好人。I believe you deserve someone better.

爱情是盲目的。这道理，在你身上，我看得很清楚。所以才害怕。害怕自己会盲目，会看不清楚。也害怕对方看不清原来我没那么好。yes, this is the beauty of it some would say. I believe it can be beautiful. But then again, 做人要理智。

因为这样，我总是希望你能彻底的看清我的个性。我真的真的。。。很遭。

she's the elder child what. they've spent more time together. so it's natural.

how true.

明明我们倆都咳嗽了，你眼里竟然只看见／听见他的咳嗽声。原本以为无所谓。但是看见你拿着咳嗽药进入他房间的时候，我明白了。“无所谓”说得多容易。是，我有些不爽。再加上你一进来就问了我这么白痴的问题，又又话不直说，拐弯抹角，暗示我，希望我会明白。sorry 我不玩这一套。想要的话我可能比较喜欢直接。你这种靠人类“感情”的说法，对不起我不习惯，不喜欢，也不打算改变。

就快开学了。也许是因为这次有很多课程得自己上，身边最亲的朋友没有和我一起得到想要的。突然失去了安全感。最熟悉的安全感。起初我大胆地认为自己读个科目也不错。独立一些。不是每件事情都得有人陪。自己一个其实也不错。是，自己一个其实也不错。只是唯一的问题是我已经习惯了有人陪。习惯了有人依靠。失去了独立。现在的我非常非常的不期待开学。因为总是觉得会很黑暗，会很孤独。或许这是种提醒，提醒我不要、不能不珍惜那些我可以依靠的朋友。他们愿意配合你，愿意陪伴你并不是理所当然的。这也可能是为了让我找回从前的独立和勇敢。做回从前的自己。少依赖别人。无论如何，在这个学期请你对我好一点。

过了这么久，现在才发现，3年前你说过的那些话原来都是真心诚意的。

3年前你说过的话确实打动了我。毕竟从来没人对我说过那些话，没人对我那么好。是你让我找到了自信，是你让我知道原来我可以那么好，是你让我看到了自己的从来就没发现过的优点，是你让我知道what a gentleman is, 是你让我知道what it means to care for a friend。But i know, that's your personality and that's how you behave. i've seen it. yes, it's just how you behave and speak. it's your personality 所以我没太在意。all this while i thought we were merely interacting as friends. as if it was a mutual friendzone. 我一直都这么认为。because it's just who you are and how you behave and act around people. i naturally thought so. 对不起，我没那么敏感。i didn't realize you were treating me as someone who was more than just a friend. 不可否认 i wouldn't mind going back to those times.因为我也跟你一样，真的很怀念。那些日子很快了。找到了自信。学业上读得要死要活。但是，我还是快乐的。因为有向你这种朋友。你也说你很想念那些日子。but it's not the same. you didn't see me as a friend.

如果当时遇见的你没那么幼稚 and if i never knew that you behaved like the way i saw you (the moment that changed my impression of you, that you could only and will ever only be my friend) 我们真的有可能在一起。因为真的真的有被打动到。这件事从来没跟任何人说。but anyways, 太迟了。time and tide waits for no man. 谢谢你一直关心我。谢谢你让我在校园的日子过得那么快了。我们永远永远只能是朋友 because you're a heartbreaker. 你太在意自己的面子. the image you give off and the image you want to portray.

it happens. and you find yourself asking all the time: why?

was it something that i did wrong? was it something i shouldn't have said? you've had enough? or is this all part of a plan that i am obviously unaware of?

at times like this, you question if these people are truly worth your time and effort and practically everything else. are they worth the sleepless nights? the distractions? the uneasiness? the change in attitude and beliefs even? 

it takes time. And yes time will tell. i guess that pretty much explains why patience is a virtue. i obviouly lack that. 

如果有些事情能明明白白，清清楚楚，黑白的写出来那该有多好。

time is running out. they seem unaware.