I dont know what I want anymore. Is it the same for you? I thought I was pretty certain, I thought everything was going well. Only until you did it again, I came to a sudden realization that it was always the same. things never changed. It doesnt matter whether you meant what you said. It mattered that I took it to heart. It mattered that I took it for real. And once again, we're back to the topic, the same old topic of self-confidence. I never once told you about it. You're probably not expecting it too. Self-confidence issues and me dont seem to go together. Or at least what I seem to portray. It took me a while, quite some time, quite some luck to meet the right people and the right oportunities, quite a huge amount of bravey and perseverance to bring myself to where I am today. Self-confidence never really seemed like much of an issue in primary school. I mean, what WAS self-confidence? It was never part of my dictionary. Moving on in life, peers, seniors, tutors have made me realize that this is a HUGE problem. And I've got to solve it. It took me a while to realize this problem and find the tough way out. I hated it. I hated whatever I was doing to myself. I hated my roles, hated taking on leadership positions. But I pressed on knowing that I'll eventually emerge to be the person I wanted to be. True enough, I definitely became more confident. But it wasnt enough. That was just the start. I was confident. But about what? But why? For what? The concept seemed unclear and yes of course I was terribly confused. I knew I was great to have attained these goals but what else? What aspects of myself can I be confident about? These are merely achievemnts that are shallow, on the surface. I need something deeper. I need that force, that reminder that I'm great. It wasn't until I chanced upon this amazing friend who reminded me just how great I was. While it made him embarrased, he was generous with his compliments. He made me realize how amazing I could be. Coupled with the activities in school, I felt as if I've found that self-confidence they were all talking about. Fast-forward, then we met. I knew you liked the level of self-confidence, I do too. But with all that comments after getting to know each other, this 'self-confidence' seems threatned. I'm beginning to feel insecure and these comments are making me feel uncomfortable. Yes, I brush it off with a smile/laugh/joke. But that doesn't mean it's ok for you to continue with your actions. It's not ok. You could mean it for real or you were joking, it doesn't matter. It doesnt matter because no matter the truth, I feel threatened. We've talked about this before. In fact we find outselves apologising for it. I thought things would change. It doesnt and it probably wont. after all, why would it change? Right now, I'm at a total loss. I don't know what to do. I knew my answer, so confidently. But now, now that it keeps reoccuring, now that this 'self-confidence' feels threatened, now that I get upset over it, now that my emotions are affected so terribly by it, now that I feel so afraid to return back to where I came from, the thought of having to work right up from the bottom pit sucks. I knew my answer but now I'm stuck in a dilemma. I don't want to feel bad about myself but you're making me do it. I thought about it. I thought I was going to end it all. Once and for all. It's going to hurt. There are so many things I'm going to miss. But I don't want to end up hurting myself even more by speaking to you. I thought I was going to end it all, real soon. After all, it seems like a good time given that we're both so busy right now. A good time. Yet, just as I was so determined, you came back and went back to your usual self. What am I suppose to do about it. I'm tired.

I'll end it. But if you care enough to notice, then do something about it.

Because I dont want to go back there anymore. No more.