Whatever that happened, I guess it was a reminder. You thought you were strong enough, I thought I could brush it off. I didn't laugh along or defend myself like I would use to. I probably wouldn't do that again. No, I'm not genuinely laughing. I don't genuinely think it was funny. I was beaten down by that sentence: "She's fatter than you, look at how skinny you are. " "Really?" (that doubt). If it came from a friend I wasn't close to, it's fine. I could choose to ignore you, to avoid you, to never see you again. But what if that came from a family member? Or in fact, in general, 3/5 of your family members felt the same way, define someone by the volume of their body, make nasty comments about how much fats they have and how plump they are? It's toxic isn't it? They are my family, I can't possibly avoid them to eject the negativity could I?

So tell me what's wrong with the way I look? I fall under the healthy-weight range. Is that not good enough? Was I suppose to fall into 'Underweight' just like her? Is that what you want? Even if it was, I'm not planning to fulfil your wish. 

I've been reminding myself to love yourself for the way you are. You are not perfect, no one is perfect. My imperfections define me, so why would I change? I believe in staying true to yourself, to be who you are, genuinely. This is part of my criteria for a friendship and even a relationship in future. They would have to love me a 100% for the way I am, they way I look. I'll do the same. A 100%. I'll be understanding towards their flaws and I'll appreciate their strengths. I'll accept their flaws, I'll love them for who they really are and I'll be so grateful that they are genuiene about this relationship. 

At least, that was what I thought I could do. But life isn't just a fairytale. 

I have no issues with finding friends who love you the way you are. After all, they would have left. I wouldn't have bothered holding on to them. 

--------

The first time you mentioned it. I laughed it off, as usual. I probably made a joke out of it and brushed it off, as usual. After all, I was more concerned with another question about us. You brought it up for the second time, I laughed it off again. We didn't talk about it further as I changed the subject, like we always did. I came to realise that it was bothering you. I don't know how much weight you place on this, but it bothers you. It contradicts your belief: to not change and be who you are. Really?

Whatever happened today was a reminder. A reminder that it will continue to haunt me in the future. There will be people pointing fingers at you. To them, I could choose to ignore and laugh it off. But would I do the same to you? It's about telling the truth, can I tell the truth? It's about acceptance, could you accept? would I accept that it bothers you?

I've talked about that dark place that I've came from. I've talked about how I was lucky enough to meet someone to pull me out from that darkest spot I was digging into. I talked about how it was so rare and coincidental that it happened. I'm thankful to that friend who dragged me out from there. I don't want to go back to that place. 

If I agreed to that, if it still bothers you so much, if i'm unwilling to change, it'll be toxic. It'll take be back down there. I don't want to. Hence, if I don't want to re-enter the dark spot, if you remain bothered by it, if I remain persistent, there's no future in this. Does this mean I give up? Does this mean I let go? I can't run away forever. 

Is it that difficult to love someone for who they really are? Is the size and shape of our body that important is a relationship? Is a relationship merely a display of "look how perfect my other-half is"? Is it merely flaunting? Do you decide to choose someone based on their outer apperance before persuading yourself that you love him/her both inside and out? 

If the size of someone matters, then maybe this was never meant for me.