It's the reality. And yes I do dislike myself for being/acting like this. I dislike this feeling of confusion, having random thoughts sprouting out from my mind every now and then. It's tiring and it's a painful process. I dislike it and I want to change. Teach me how. Please.

I want to be happy, I want to be as excited as I was the last time we met. I want to be as happy as I thought I would be. I'm not. No where near that. No where near being excited. Tired. Unhappy.

I'm curious. Curious to know about everything that happened that made you who you are today. But asking would open up a wound that's still healing. It's painful to talk about it. So as much as I'm curious, maybe I should never ask.

I feel empty. This emptiness that fills my heart and mind when I go on to tell you everything, almost everything that I'm thinking about. I don't know what to do about it. Tell me what I should do.

I dislike it. I dislike being held that way. Disgust is too strong a word. But you'll understand what I mean. You know what I mean. Would you? I can't help but think that was how you held the others. Exactly the same way, in the same fashion. It disgusts me that it's the same hand, held in the same way, and now it's on me. I'm disgusted and uncomfortable. I know it's not your fault. We've talked about this numerous times. Yet, I can't help but think about it. It disgusts me. I'm uncomfortable. I dislike it. The sense of being protected, of belonging doesn't exist. The words you say, all rehearsed and repeated like you've done it numerous times. Hit the play button, it comes out just as smoothly like you've done it before. I want to know that those words mean something. I want to know that those words aren't just words but it came right from the bottom of your heart. I don't know, I've said I want to trust you and that I will. But would I? These recurring thoughts only prove I won't. Like an audio recorder, I've played it multiple times. There's no solution. I told you I run away from problems, I've tried running away from this. It comes back chasing me again when I least expect it.

As I take another look, once again, I know I'm not ready to let go. I'm not planning to at least for now.  Not now, not yet. They say telling it would help. Does it? Would it? I want to feel it all over again. But right now, I'm back to being confused. It's not the best mental state to be in right now.