I really thought it would all be possible. someday, if you were to ask, i would probably have said 'ok'. but now, i'm struggling. all over again.

it was a smart and to-the-point question. it was necessary to be asked. what would happen if they broke up and he comes to you?

checking my phone every now and then, yes, it became a habit.

I was planning to watch RM after winnertv but i guess it's necessary to stop my RM first and post.

I have to admit that the past 2 sessions were plain awesome. and i wasn't expecting it to bet his way at all.
I missed the previous wednesday's session due to a check-up and i heard that they covered up pretty much. I was afraid of course since part of that included the super difficult song and also i wasn't as good as them.

I freaked out before the monday session and was very very stressed about it. yeah i was going to screw it, i know. but i was glad how the session turned out. you were very patient i must admit. and also good at building people's self-confidence. you may have realised but yes, i became a little more confident (although just by a tiny bit but better than feeling so down after each session). I became a little more motivated and of course i practiced.

Then came the wednesday's session. 3 hours. really, i thought it was going to be hell. (at least it felt like that the past few sessions) thankfully, we spent most of the time playing together (which i preferred) and we tried out the previous songs also and that song you taught on the monday's session. it wasn't as bad as i thought. of course, we split into sections later on (as usual) and we attempted that chim song. screw this, i thought. (since i did not try out the other half). yes, they knew i didn't tough it at all. stopping there was a little embarrassing but oh wells, not the first time anyways. so i was frank and we went off practicing that other half. i took what felt like a decade (probably to you) to learn that one line (and in the end i couldn't even play it during the combined) but you were nice and patient to wait. you really made everything less stressful. yes, i was still stressed, but lesser i guess. we then played that song at a pace i could catch up with (and of course it must have been insanely slow for you) but thank you so much, really. i have no idea how to express my gratitude but thank you for your patience and understanding and whatever, everything. because if it turned out to be me, i would have just walked off. yes, i have not mastered it. but that patience was sort of an encouragement i guess. and also motivation.

她真的很幸福。

悲观的自己，你很不习惯吧。

Yes, it's better to let go now. before i sink any deeper.

因为知道有可能会这样，所以害怕。

及时是他先喜欢你，不代表他不可能会先抛弃你。

即使是喜欢了4年的女生。

Just read a friend's blog, and yup, they broke up. They were sweet. I've seen them together before. He liked her, for pretty long. And yet, his feelings died down first. 对于感情这回事，我更没安全感。

曾经的“喜欢”原来可以这么快被淡化。人类。。。

所以请你了解我为什么不可能这么快接受你。也请你了解我为什么要让你把我看得如此的清楚。你后悔还来得急。是，我会害怕。会害怕有一天我们不再联络，害怕像那一天一样。但，这样子总比分手后的难过来得好。

没接受你不是因为你人不好。其实，现在，也不是因为我更你提起的他。

是因为我害怕。

what if someday, when you're all healed and well to go, when you've finally given up, I become the one that's holding on. Yes, I'm selfish. I don't want to end up being the one left behind. And yes, that's why I'm so afraid of picturing our future. Would you be there with me? Or am I alone?

Trying to close my heart to these feelings. But it can't be helped, I guess, to thinking about it. Yes, I've fallen once and told myself to never allow it to happen again. But it's hard. 

I wish you would at least tell me if you're going to stop. At least allow me to prepare myself for this too.

and that's the reason why I wanted someone more mature. it's the sense of security.

谢谢你让我看清楚了你其实不可靠。

no wonder people day it's a bad idea. now i know why. it really affects one terribly. i'll try to lock it up. we'll see how it goes.

really, sometimes i really wonder if im over-thinking or being over sensitive. i place great importance on freedom. yet, i can get so upset over this.

i always tell myself that i must look for someone who can accept me entirely for who i am and someone who would be there for me no matter what. no matter how much i complain or how easily i break down or just....
but would someone like that exist? would i be lucky enough to meet someone like that. someone that loves you entirely for who you are. even when someday i unknowingly gain 10kg, or someday i turn into a very very ugly monster, would you still love me? we have all became so superficial such that apperance is all that matters. yes, i agree that looks do appeal and attract me at first sight. but then again, only at the first sight. at the end of the day, its the heart. but how many of us do? would you?

I really thought everything was going to turn out fine today. no. in fact i was expecting it all to be really awesome. 1. I could skip school 2.I could skip cca 3. i had the entire day to myself(meaning i could plan my own schedule. 4. i could be with my family. 5. i had a great dinner and the list goes on. But it all turns out to be the opposite. i am terribly pissed and frustrated right now. and where are you. 

speaking about you. seriously i am terribly confused. i told myself repeatedly that i should never ever ever get used to it and never ever ever take it for granted. seems like i just did it. yes i has been bugging me since the afternoon. you're smart. i dont know whats going on. well, probably you realised i was soooo freaking pessimistic and soooo different from how you thought i would be and soooo different from your ideal image of me. well, im sorry. maybe its all good that you're ignoring now. maybe it's all good that its turning out this way. yes, at least i finally realised that you're not the one. and made it even clearer to me that in future that person has to be someone who can accept me entirely for who i am. and i do not have to change my personality whatsoever for him. because he loves me for who i am. period. i've learnt. i shall not rely on you anymore. not at all. cause you'll never like me for who i am. pessimistic and a mugger. we'll just stay as friends. that's it. thanks for waking me up. im grateful

next, you're suppose to be the one that's leading us. yes i know you are stressed yes i understand if you get a little ngsty. but you're suppose to be the one that's mentioning the meeting time, and now what, coming up with a timing last minute? and trying to reprimand me because i didnt get it by tmr. excuse me , you too. and you're the group leader hello. urgggg. to think that you can even be a president of another club. seriously. 

this was meant to be a really awesome day. it all screwed up like that.

i couldn't blame anyone but myself. for allowing it to affect me. so badly.

great and i just killed another person's day with my angsty tone. OMG this sucks. Im so sorry.

It's been bugging me all night and I thought maybe I'll just reply in the morning.

So I woke up this morning, opened my inbox and selected his name. ok I shall reply. (It's not nice to keep someone waiting for so long). But then I saw someone else's name and his message also.The standards. It differs. No don't get me wrong. I don't like him. But the message shows his character of being considerate. Somehow it sparkles. And since I know him and spoke to him about the message, you can really see. He's sensitive ( in the good way) and very very considerate. 我很欣赏这种男生。

And this brings me back to thinking: Did you even realize/felt that I was upset? 你说你喜欢我, how true is that. Really, I was quite upset about it. And once again decided to not reply.

But then I saw your tweet. I don't know if it's about this. Maybe not. But you sounded upset. And maybe I was just too self-centered. You probably also felt hurt when I was whispering with my close friends about something and not telling you. Yes, I have no obligation to tell you at all. But still....maybe i should have. You probably felt left out and so you decided to walk off. It's not that I wanted to make you feel left out. It's just that the reason is probably too abstract for you to understand. Unless you feel the same way, I guess? Feeling awkward but not disliking them, I wouldn't want to go out with them when I am already mentally drained. I don't even want to try to gather up energy and bring up a topic and reactions to our conversation over dinner. Would you understand? You'll probably just see me as anti-social. But that someone else understands. And my close friends understands.

Still, I guess it's probably my fault that all of these started. Maybe, even if you would never understand, I should have told you.

It's complicated.

And all I have to say is thank you for the awesome friends I have there. I know there won't be a chance for you guys to read this since i've never told you all about it (and i don't plan to) but im just so glad to have you all. You all are the people whom i can go out with even if im freaking tired (yes cause i know i dont have to waste energy trying to match your frequency) and i feel comfortable around you all. Yes, we were never close in secondary school ( in fact we never ever talked since we were never from the same class or CCA or same event) but im so glad that we got closer in JC. May we continue is friendship to uni and all the way till we work and retire. 我真的很珍惜我们之间的友情。 you guys are the type of friends i would want to keep all the way till the end. yes, we are still not that close to the extent to share every single problem, but being able to not feel awkward around you all is a huge achievement for me since its really hard for me to open up and etc.

thank you :)

对于这个问题，我今天问了又问，问了又问。你到底有多喜欢我？

告白后见面的第一次——尴尬。但没想到你最后还是过来找我了。还一直坐在我旁边。这一切我看见了，也很清楚。即使在我朋友之间找不到共同话题，你依然留住。很感激，很感动。

但还是有些小小的失望。到了得决定到哪一方吃饭时，你走到了另一边。明明看见你走过来了，挺高兴的。可是不知是为了什么原因，你又到反走回头。真的有些失望。过后便一直问自己，你到底有多喜欢我？为了我到底愿意付出多少？知道我没有资格对你要求什么，毕竟我们不是正式的在一起。但心里有那么一点点地希望你会走过来。

走到巴士车站的路程，心有些承重。或许你根本没有那么喜欢我吧。或许是我想太多了。Sorry. 回家路上，与另一个朋友开始聊起来了。她告诉我，有许多男生为了不再当兵时寂寞，便交女朋友。原来如此。我明白了。或许想更我再一次的你，不是认真的。只是为了有个班，只是为了不想寂寞。原来，我只是一个陪伴着你的工具。

明白了。有些心酸。有些难过。原来你并没有这么喜欢我。

回到家受到了你的简讯：“到家了吗？” 此刻的我真的真的不想回复。我很累。也觉得没有必要回复。I thought it would all work out, really. I thought someday we could be together, for real. Seems like it's all a dream. Just a dream.

你到底有多喜欢我？我知道答案了。或许我们只适合当朋友。只是朋友。普通的朋友。

Feels like I'm falling in again... 我好像开始习惯有你的简讯。之前不断地提醒自己不能掉入陷阱。。。

what if one day you decide that you no longer like me and stop texting me.有得再一次的痛苦。再一次得学会没有你。

so... if you've been following you might have realised that the past few hours have been rather fustrating for me. really. and the one and only reason is beacause of what is happening tomorrow after school. yup, playing it again. sigh. I've practiced. can't exactly get the other half. so while i was feeling extrememly fustrated, and trying hard to keep a cool mind and chill (by listening to ballads) (and almost going crazy also) notifications from the whatsapp group between my close friends came up. I was so so so glad. We had only a short conversation, but it was definitely great talking to them. they relieved some bits of the tension. really greatful.

朋友真的很重要。

quite pissed at myself right now. really. i just played through it once. yes there were mistakes. but it was wayyy better than the time i played there. and this is the first time im playing it since i came home from the  incident. seriously. fml. I can;t say i played very well. but it was relatively ok. not to the extent of the reactions i got after playing. you should have seen. the awkwardness and stuff. the tension too. such an embarrassment. sigh.. if only i wouldn't get nervous and freak out. if only my brain would learn how to chill and not get so tensed and frightened knowing that i'll be playing soon,. arggghh just wish myself all the best tmr and hopefully i wont screw up. fingers crossed. good luck.

Just got back from practice and .... it wasn't ideal at all. I thought my main point of this would be about that super embarrassing incident but turns out that there's something more than that.

Yup, it's about them. again. It's hard to avoid it since (you know) it's about them. really, 他们真的真的很幸福，他们都得到了别人的祝福与认可。A very sweet couple. 不可否认，sometimes I wish all of these are not true. I wish she was me.

But i pictured the scenario. Well, on second thought, maybe not. 我配不上你。真的。your skills are wayyyyyyyyy better than mine. It'll be an embarrassment. Sigh. 不是我故意去想。it just comes naturally.

now all i want is for us to be friends. at least having something to talk about. that's enough. i guess.

很努力的祝福你们。永远幸福、快乐。

It's all great now. Everything's falling in nicely. (yes sometimes it bothers me a bit.. for e.g. last night..but anyways...)

I'm just slightly afraid. Afraid that I'll commit the same mistake again. It's going to take a long long time to heal if it happens. But i can trust you I guess. right?

So.. 最近好像有人喜欢我。。。

and yup we have been texting each other and stuff for some time. It's all nice. I mean if we happen to stop at something, he tries to continue. 我也曾经问过自己可不可能会喜欢他。我们可不可能会在一起。

He's nice, really. 蛮搞笑的。人格也不错。but he's missing some factors from my ideal type. 我喜欢个子高的，年级比我大、比我成熟，gentleman, 有目标，有梦想。

but... will everything work out? 他又愿意等多久，will he stay or will he finally decide to leave like the others did? I don't want to date for fun. I want to go out with someone who's serious about me and the relationship. 谈恋爱不是个游戏.

I'll probably make you wait. And we'll see if you stay.

It's been bugging me. Yes. Weight problems. I'm not obese or severely overweight. but i feel fat. And that explains why I've started using the calorie counter app since Monday. Its quite useful although i tend to exceed the 'calorie budget' of 1099. whoops. can't help it. I feel fat and i know i need to lose weight but i can't help it if i'm feeling hungry or greedy ya know?

So today my sis came back and she bragged to me being 45kg. ok i got it. ok can. seriously -.- while i was having my dinner nomming away on cereal chicken and prawns. thanks. i agree that my current weight is not my ideal weight. i want to reach 48kg. and here she comes tellling me that she's 45 kg. no it's not the numbers. im ok with her being lighter and whatsoever. (cause deep inside i know im better than her in other ways) its just that memories of her coming to find me just to compare the thickness of our wrists just came flooding back. including those feelings. it hurt me. a lot. and i hate to be compared and end up feeling lousier. seriously what in the world is your problem? do you only find joy in bringing others down? sadistic. and you go around telling the world what a kind heart you have. it seems rather grey to me (and not fully black because yes she loves kids. a lot.) pissed me off on such a lovely dinner.

OMG what should i do now.... i mean i dont want to lose as much to be skinnier than her. i just don't want to seem as fat. (side track, a person didn't believe we were sisters cause she said i was fat -.-) ok so that just reminded me how much i need to lose. but what happens when i get hungry and i need to eat to study? (i mean im a student you know? my priority is studying and not looking slim) and i dont want to lose weight till the extent that it hurts my health and my emotions and then the people around me. i want to live a fulfilling life. i dont want to end up missing on the good stuff just cause i need to watch my weight.
arghhh

Just for a moment i thought things could work out. just somehow, there might be sparks.

但，我今天才发现原来我在你心里没这么重要。我是一个你可以放在一旁，轻易忘掉的人。原来如此。是我想象力太丰富了，是我太天真了吧。

well, maybe it's just not meant to be. maybe it wasn't me in the first place. maybe you were just referring to someone else.

对不起，打扰了。

When its time to move on, move on. when its time to give up, give up. holding on probably only brings you pain.

Yes, sometimes I really wished you felt the same way back. Sometimes I wished I was her. The one you like. But on second thought would I have even accepted if you asked? Would I have been brave enough to do so. Maybe not. And we'll end up the same way. The same way we are today. I believe this is a right decision. I believe the choices you've made for me. It will be the best. And I'll meet someone better in the near future. Good enough for me to give up on you. Good enough for me to forget about you. Even if someday you turn up with a guitar, playing in front of me, you'll never capture my heart. ever again.

期待。好期待会对你死心的那一天。因为这样很痛苦。

Let it happen. Even if it's only in my dreams. At least let it happen. Let it be a moment I'll never forget. Even if it's just a dream. 

Just us. Together.

Just when i thought everything was ok. everything was finally back to normal. I was back to how i used to be and it would never bug me again. It's hard.

It all began when we first met. First impression: above average, not bad. It didn't develop much from there though. Then when I saw you playing the guitar. damn. you were charismatic. really. and you were sitting right-smak in front of me. how could I miss it. how could I. It grew. real quick. that memory of him dragging you to the table as asking 'your ec right?'. you never knew how awesome that moment was. anyways, i tried hard to forget after realising that M also felt the same way. And she told me first. I couldn't be a b**** right. Yes, just as predicted. i acted crazily in front of you. that's my normal response. but it was embarrassing, thinking about it now.

I always wished you had a gf, so that would really convince me to forget and give up. And finally it came true. sigh. i was a little upset. and jealous of course. what. why. how. that girl's really lucky. REALLY. But she's a good catch. indeed, she's very pretty, very smart and also very good at playing the guitar. the perfect match for you. no wonder. and everyone was supportive of it. Me too. I mean, you guys really match well.

During the long holidays, i tend to forget about you. which is good. i thought i would stay that way. but it didn't. somehow, something would bring that feeling back. again. from being in the same section to that concert and back again in front. It's hard.

其实真的不知道喜欢你什么。这个问题问了10个月了。没答案。你真的真的真的好厉害。让我这个花心的女生喜欢你10个月了。its record breaking.

sometimes i really wished you weren't attached. i was really...a little... surprised(?)upset(?) to hear from him that you are about to get attached soon to the girl you've been chasing. but if you weren't attached everything could have been worse. maybe..just maybe.. it is all better this way.

now i understand why people can keep crushes for so long.

这不是借口，给自己一个理由不忘掉、不放下。我还是得真么做，会努力这么做。
憋在心里的话终于“说出口”。 我爽。