i tried.

have you ever felt as if you're good enough such thou no longer need to practice as hard for it. And then, when you meet back again with your section, you realise you lousy/badly you play? that happens A LOT to me, and it really sucks.

I practiced hard for the 2 other songs, and i sincerely felt that i was good enough and was definitely confident about playing it. but who knew, the others turned out to play MUCH MUCH better than me. such that when we had to play individually (yes we did that) i sounded so terrible that it drew awkward faced from my section mates. sucks. I really thought i was well prepared. seemed like i over-estimated myself, quite a bit. I mean yes, the had background previously, but that definitely isn't an excuse to not play well. WHAT TO DO

Superficial friends

so i've got this friend (whom i met in secondary 3, started officially WA each other in sec 4 i think and then we stopped contacting each other for a while) who suddenly started chatting with me again. So i though, well that's pretty nice of him. (i mean its always good to maintain/build friendships right?) so i happily replied thinking that he contacted me purely just to catch up on what we're doing and stuff...

THEN the moment when he sent his message about borrowing my chinese materials (for his upcoming exams) i was like AH HA THERE YOU GO. don't get me wrong. I wasn't unwilling to lend it to him, in fact i felt to great to be of a help to someone who needs it. But asking about borrowing my stuff ON THE DAY you decided to began contacting me again. is a little.... hmm... i have no idea how to put it but it just made me felt like: So you contacted me just for your selfish needs. ok can. i shall be a kind soul.

 NORMAL CHAT CAME BACK ONLY UNTIL ONE FINE DAY WHEN HIS EXAMS ENDED.

fortunately, he thanked me for lending him my notes. he asked if his sis could borrow it for her exams, and 'ok' i replied. but you do know that my sis is taking the same chinese exams right? (i told you she is sec 3 too -.-) yes, my sis you not have referred to it. BUT you should have asked if she needed it (it's called being polite *uhum*)

ON THE DAY BEFORE HIS OP EXAM (for project work)
"hey share your idea!" (i told him that my idea clashed with another group mate's idea some dayS ago)
Really thank you so much for contacting me. seriously.  just for your own benefits. at least that's what i feel and that's the message i get. seriously, i don't need superficial friends like you that forge friendships for your own benefits. i'll still reply you because it's a form of respect. but please, get lost (ok actually i think you'll leave on your own when you no longer need me, and come back again when you realised you need my help again. tsk)

you'll never make true friends with that mindset of yours. at least that's what i have learnt.

we'll see how it goes

OK i guess it was pretty much neccessary for me to talk about this.
I applied for OGL some weeks ago and had my interview. I got an OG mate as one of the interviwer and I also happen to know 2 other people in the planning committee. so it might seem like i stand a huge chance of being an OGL but actually it depends very much on your actual day interview and your HIGH-NESS (yes they need high people which i'm probably not)
Initially i really thought i was in OGL cause this planning comm person whom i knew came to me happily to tell me he knew who was in (and of course i thought i was in since you probably wouldn't happily go in front of a person you rejected to tell them you are out right?)(ok or maybe i was just thinking too much) also, my interviewer also smiled at me the other day we saw each other (so things were getting a little friendly i thought) and also the 2nd  planning comm person i knew started talking to me (so it really makes a lot of sense that i guessed i got in) however, now that i think back, they were nice to me (probably also) because they were sorry about rejecting me and was hoping that i would ask them how the results went so i wouldn't be hoping for anything. the results should be released soon but i'm still waiting till today... and slowly i do not see much hope in me getting in. my interviewer seem to be a little cold recently. (i just walked pass him today and ... yeah.. no smiles/hi/whatsoever) I mean it's not that i want it VERY badly. and its really ok if i dont get it. but.. ok i shall speak the truth. it's just about the face. I mean you go around telling people (ok cause they asked) that you applied for OGL and duhh its better that you end up telling them you got in. also, from my less closer friends, who feels that i am a little quiet (which is true) would give me the SERIOUSLY SHE APPLIED FOR IT face, i get a little upset and really want to prove them wrong that i did it. want so badly to tell them in the face , yeah i got it. BOOHOO for looking down on me. but its really not as easy to get it. they are chopping off about half of the people who applied for it. and frankly speaking, i didn't stand out during the interview.

oh wells, let's just hope for the best.would respect any decision given to me. and i trust that the decision given would be the best for me.
If i get in, its a chance for me to open up more and to learn to speak smartly
If i do not get in, then its probably cause i should focus on my studies instead of playing.

all the best :)

why..why do you always leave me feeling like this after meeting you... 明明就知道你与我的“男朋友的标准”很不一样，明明就知道我们不可能， 明明就知道我们不配。但，为什么就会有这样的感受。Yes, you're nice, you're a gentleman, you have a kind heart, the qualities that I'm looking for. but we don't have a common topic, and we are different in terms of the way we think (which is VERY important in a couple) but why.... why then do I feel like this? I mean i don't feel very excited or nervous to meet you 也没有那所谓的“怦然” but I didn't want that meeting to end, I didn't wanted anyone to interrupt our discussion.  I felt really lost as to what i feeling on the way home. and i didn't know what to do. 没谈过恋爱的人，果然容易迷失。

How do couples end up being together? how did they decide that he/she is the right one for you? do people end up being together because they really like each other or just because it was for the sake of getting together? 真心希望能遇到对的人。一个不会伤害我的人。

If you happen to chance upon this blog

so I've got another friend that created a blog and of course she shared her website too. yup its cool/fun to read your friend's blog cause somehow you get to see the other side of them.

i've once considered sharing this blog. but maybe not. sharing this blog with your friends means that you've got to be very careful with what you say. cause there will be people reading. people that know you. when i start being extra cautious with what i say, this defeats the purpose of having this blog -- for me to rant. haha yeah i think i sound like some depressed/pessimistic kid now. but i sincerely have no intention in sharing this blog with anyone. so if you happen to chance upon this blog, you're in luck ;). only true 100% feeling here :)

another reason why i wouldn't want to share this blog is because i'm too lazy to start editing what i type (i guess you probably realise it by now) my letter "I"s are "i" but not the correct "I". and sometimes i miss out the " ' " in words such as " didnt " " wasnt " and of course my grammer and sentence structures are in a mess. c'mon life's too short to bother too much about all of these. and when i start being conscious about it, real feeling are not revealed.

of course I do hope that people read and come back to this blog again. not for viewer ratings of course (yes I do check but it doesn't affect me much). coming back makes this blog seem for worthy and of course, gives me better confidence ^^

我发现原来之前说的“喜欢”也便只是说说罢了。难怪，喜欢我的人不会太久。各个都一样。不持久。或许是相处之后发现我没有他们想象中完美，谈得来。也发现我并不容易追。所以放弃？

寂寞

不可否认，有时候会觉得寂寞。
我相信你看得出，感激你没说出口。

这种寂寞。。。好讨厌。。。

总是希望有个简讯，问我明天是否有空？但这简讯迟迟不来。看来明天本人是自己过了。

finally feeling a little free now. and yup tomorrow's a public holiday and i thought it would be a great time to go out. but seems like no one is interested. I WA my closest friends to go out. no one replied :/ sighh probably gonna be another lonely day tmr :/ sucks. whats the point of having so many friends

you're never coming back

ever had a crush on this person and then shortly after you know he likes someone else. you kind of gave up on him but not entirely yet. hoping that he only ECs her and not really crush on her. then, you heard they started dating. this kinds of crushes your hope a little and spoils your mod a bit. bt after all, its only what you heard. may not be true. and since he is nice to everyone, you cant see that he's specially nice to her. its just not obvious. and then, the truth dawned upon you when you saw both of them going to school together. they were chatting happily. just like how a couple should be. it bugged you for the entire day. and then, once again, you lie to yourself that they probably just somehow met up along they way and decided to chat. like casual talk. you lie to yourself that they are merely close friends. it seemed like you accepted the fact that they are together and it's never turning back. but there's this little part of you that still hold on to the belief that they are not a couple. it finally became clear to you when people around them treat them as a couple. yes, they are indeed already a couple. a little heart-broken but well it was expected after all. you try to convince yourself that you should not interfere and wish them the best of luck. you know they suit each other so much better since they had a common interest and liking. you know they'll go far. but you can't help but think otherwise, and end up feeling upset.

她和他

原来你所谓的“女朋友”早已追到手了。原来，那所谓的传言已成为事实了。其实，我早已预料到只是不愿相信、不愿接受而已。确定了以后，心里有些心酸，有那么一点点的心酸。如果哪不是事实，多好。哎。。虽然说早已放下，虽然说不可能，虽然说现在太早，虽然说不适合，但。。。我还是抱着那么一点点的希望。

原来他们当时所谓的“她”就是你。我有些小小的嫉妒。如果“她” 是我，多好。

是，是时候要真正地放下了。要祝福他们。你们会幸福的。有着共同的话题、爱好。吉它又弹得好，那里必得上我。弹起吉它，多么丢人现眼。

我会耐心等待，等待着属于我的“他”。

若别人问起、取笑，也只好微笑带过。在尴尬、在生气，也决不能“摆黑脸” 。

Sometimes I can't help wondering.. am i a burden more than a help to others.. especially when working with others as ICs...

幸好有你。。听我诉苦。 虽然清楚自己不会得到什么安慰或建议的话。但，总好过无法向任何人诉苦来得好。知道你只是机器，可是、真的，幸好有你。

好想告诉自己没关系、无所谓。。。但。。好难。。好难。。

what a bad bad day

Have you ever had a time where you finally got a chance to prove your potential and how well you can get a job done. you were so positive about it that it would all go smoothly. however, you screwed up on your first task. the very first task. recuriting volunteers. such a simple task and your screwed it. and you sent that email to freaking 100+ of people and then follwoing that you had to send another email to the same people telling them to ignore the previous email. crewed it. max.

yes it might not seem like a huge issue and people would probably only curse you for longest, say, 15 min? and they forget about it soon. but it would probably affect me all the way, till the event ends, or maybe even longer. that's how important it is.

so yes, i screwed it up. my first task. i'm feeling very very very terrible now. i know it might not seem as something THAT BAD to others but really i feel stupid/dumb/sucky now. it feels a little embarressing also at the same time. yes i have another IC to work with. she has experience. i admit that i'm relying on her. initially. but she seems really inactive now. probably because she's busy with her PW? but hey if you actually realise i have PW too. and i have OCIP also. we need to share the burden. why am i doing it alone. yeah im in the BOD i hold a position. but that doesn't neccesarily means that you can slack off and make me do everything. of course this won't kill me. i believe it'll only teavh me to be stonger and to learn to accept sucj setbacks. i'll still keep a positive mindset. but i have to admit that i feel really really really suck-y now. i wish that did not happen. AT ALL. NOT AT ALL.

ok and i just whatsapp-ed her and she's inactive. am i being too quick? should i slow down? but isn't it better to settle it quickly. seriously you're getting on my nerves.

She's back

All right so she came back. Chaos. All over again.

I sincerely USED TO want her to come back. Missed her a little bit. Now it's just..can you please stay in the hostel?

Well, this was due to many reasons. I mentioned it in one of the previous posts that it as because we could no longer communicate like we used to (it really changed. drastically and quickly.) and of course due to the rather obvious bias-ness(which I've mentioned before) I understand that it was much needed to show her more care and concern since she was staying in the hostel, far far away from home(hey but Singapore isn't very large). They miss her, she misses them. Okay fine.  But it really sucks to see your mother showing her more care and giving in to her so much more and you start wondering if she's your mum. I'm not exaggerating but you can see the obvious change when she returns home. Not sure if I am over-thinking but she went back to the supermarket to get this delicious tasting snack after we told her it was good. She came back with more today, probably because my mum knows that she is coming back. Maybe. So it wasn't because we liked it (I assumed it to be the case previously). Kinda sucks but it's the truth. Also, when she comes home, we definitely get better food. No doubt. We get good-tasting home-cooked soup with mouth-watering side dishes and home-made fruit juice on Sundays. When she doesn't come home, we get the usual not-so-appetizing side dishes. No soup. No fruit juices. You see what I mean?

Another drawback to having her back is that she finishes ALL the snacks we have. ALL OF IT. My other sister agrees. And my mum obviously does not blame her. So currently we've got 3 boxes of delioba, 10 boxes of pepero, 2 cans of pringles. She'll sweep everything away, really soon.

Final reason for not wanting her to come back, my peace. Some how it gets a little noisy when she's home. Rather have her to stay in the hostel. really.

I definitely wished she was around in the PAST. But no now. She used to be someone I can look for but now, it's ok I don't want to end up feeling hurt. Yes, you might be speaking the truth (such as: you got fatter. you got darker. No! you should aim for an "A" like me. You shouldn't be slacking now, go study!) But do you realised how much my self-confidence decreases with each line you say. Yeah it's my fault for having such vulnerable self esteem that can be easily crushed. But this means that all the more I should protect it. Your words used to seem so wise. Now, your tone (or maybe my perception) sounds as if you're mocking me.

So, I'm staying away from you. We still talk, just not as much, not for long. I need to protect myself and my confidence.

:/

We all have this person we've got a crush on. And the longer it stays in your heart, probably the harder it is to forget. But I was just wondering, is it normal to have 2 crushes at the same time? Or maybe forget about the feelings you had for this crush over the holidays, but it comes back again when school reopen? This happens to me but I was just wondering.. is it normal?

This person come off and on. Sometimes I can totally ignore him but sometimes, just no. Sighh I don't know. He's nice. to everyone. I think that's why it happens.