你说过你追到累了。你也说过有问题可以和你分享。不过你也曾经说过，我也知道，你不会跑过来。你不会。你说过你不可能永远对我好。我知道。你说过你害怕失去我。当时如果选择放手的人是你，你就不难过了对吧。原来这问题，我得自己处理。我说过不知该在哪里话亲界限。原来是这里。不和你分享问题，你无奈，你离开。是。你没责任留下。放手那么多次这一次不算真么。我愿意努力。只是你也一样得努力。谈恋爱是什么，谈恋爱我该怎么对你。还想对你好，只是这样崩溃你接受不了。being emotional didn't work. You said I was cold. And yeah you broke down this cold wall. Who knew what lies behind this cold wall. Who knew all these emotions lies behind this cold wall. Who knew this was what she was hiding. Who knew this was what she's going through while putting on a smiling front. Waves and waves of emotions that never got flushed out, circling within her were waves and waves of emotions no one could deal with. She thought that was the case and hence never told anyone about it. She never did till you came. You came along and told her persuaded her to open up. She trusts you and told you things she never told anyone. You encouraged her to do so even though she was afraid that it was too overwhelming. And she thought you were ok with it. She thought you were going to know how to deal with this. She trusts you cause you said she could. She thought you'll never leave. Or so she thought. But you left. You left her. So tell me who can she trust. Will there be anyone that can deal with this. Will there be. Maybe she needs to learn, to learn to manage her emotions better and get over things quickly and don't remain too affected by it. Or at least appear so. I let my guard down. It turned for the worst. So what now. To learn or to go back the old ways. Who would teach her? No one could or maybe no one would. She doesn't know where to look, she doesn't know how. And so she goes back to the old days. It turns out that she shouldn't have let her guard down. When she returns, uncertainty awaits. Maybe he's scared. Doubting. Asking if it's right for things to work this way. Maybe he'll let her go. Maybe he'll realize he could never deal with that. She's weird. I told you so. She's weird and one of a kind. I warned you. I told you so. I warned you.

I wish things could be a bit more normal. I wish we could be just like them, celebrating it. normally. nobody said it was going to be easy. but nobody said it was going to be this tough. I wish i never expected anything. these expectations kills everything. expectations bring disappointment. you know that too well.

we'll talk about it today. what should i tell you? that you've gotten yourself into deep trouble by deciding to take on this route with me, that it's ok if you decide to stop and that i'll have to continue this alone? or that she's crazy and overthinks about every small matter, that she's this emotional ball that not everyone can handle?

If there's that someone that can handle this, i'll treat him right. but that's only if he can handle it, and knows how to. the future is uncertain, i told you.

they've said that when your mind is in a mess and when you're unsure of what's all this mess you're experiencing, being aware of your emotions helps. and you could do so by typing it out. let's see how this works.

this relationship is screwing up my life. you just know it. it brings high and it could very well bring you to the lowest. what you did that night, a regular girl would go all crazy and excited and pumped up and would have felt so much joy and love. Me? you never asked how i felt. Judging from my emotions, I guess I didn't quite like that. You took it a little too quickly. I didn't like it. The first thought that came to my mind was "What?", then "ok", then "...". On the drive back home, when I finally had time and space to let things sink in, this came through my mind: so this is what it's like to be your someone within the first month. so this is where you and your exes have progressed. so this is your pace. I'm not blaming you and I know there's nothing I can change. Those previous relationships mean something to you, made you who you are today. It has happened and there's nothing I can do about it. I know. And I thank you for being frank. But the thought, it poped out unconsciously. I can't help it, I can't block that thought. It just comes, a bit too naturally. "So this is what you've done, so this is what it's like, so this is what you'll do". "so this is what I'm like""i'm not that special after all". I'm not expecting anything out of the norm, because this is how its done. But i can't help but feel this way. i'm not that special. when things happen and when you find someone new, you're going to do the same. we're all not that special after all. i want to believe that you did it entirely because of your emotions and it was your way of expressing it. but i can't help it that there's this bit of thought that comes to me "was it because of your friends"? now there lies a difference. it wasn't out of pure emotion expression. it was because of a benchmark. what am i to you now.

It's the reality. And yes I do dislike myself for being/acting like this. I dislike this feeling of confusion, having random thoughts sprouting out from my mind every now and then. It's tiring and it's a painful process. I dislike it and I want to change. Teach me how. Please.

I want to be happy, I want to be as excited as I was the last time we met. I want to be as happy as I thought I would be. I'm not. No where near that. No where near being excited. Tired. Unhappy.

I'm curious. Curious to know about everything that happened that made you who you are today. But asking would open up a wound that's still healing. It's painful to talk about it. So as much as I'm curious, maybe I should never ask.

I feel empty. This emptiness that fills my heart and mind when I go on to tell you everything, almost everything that I'm thinking about. I don't know what to do about it. Tell me what I should do.

I dislike it. I dislike being held that way. Disgust is too strong a word. But you'll understand what I mean. You know what I mean. Would you? I can't help but think that was how you held the others. Exactly the same way, in the same fashion. It disgusts me that it's the same hand, held in the same way, and now it's on me. I'm disgusted and uncomfortable. I know it's not your fault. We've talked about this numerous times. Yet, I can't help but think about it. It disgusts me. I'm uncomfortable. I dislike it. The sense of being protected, of belonging doesn't exist. The words you say, all rehearsed and repeated like you've done it numerous times. Hit the play button, it comes out just as smoothly like you've done it before. I want to know that those words mean something. I want to know that those words aren't just words but it came right from the bottom of your heart. I don't know, I've said I want to trust you and that I will. But would I? These recurring thoughts only prove I won't. Like an audio recorder, I've played it multiple times. There's no solution. I told you I run away from problems, I've tried running away from this. It comes back chasing me again when I least expect it.

As I take another look, once again, I know I'm not ready to let go. I'm not planning to at least for now.  Not now, not yet. They say telling it would help. Does it? Would it? I want to feel it all over again. But right now, I'm back to being confused. It's not the best mental state to be in right now.

原来我没有想象中那样快乐。都说了，有期待就会失望。都说了。还口口声声说无所谓，你想骗谁。you're not ok, it's not ok. You're not over it. You thought you were. It's all written over your face. What do you want.

it evidently didnt turn out as expected. it wasn't what i was thinking. do you feel embarrassed? well maybe its a punishment. let's be real. you were disapponted at least slightly and embarressed slightly (thinking back). but would you have rather you held back? no. not with all the effort put in. I did that just so you know im into this. i did that just so you know im for real. i did that just so you know im not here to break your heart or to paly around like your friends suggested. im real, for real. i just had to do it even though i didnt plan for that. I thought i was going to wait it out. but then you'll realize what's the point? what if those words never made it before the break up? would i have regretted not telling you those words? yes. 那些想对你说的话，只怕你没听见。那些我想要你知道的话，你怕你不知道。你不知道的事，我却想要你知道。我是认真的，真心诚意。and hence even if it comes unnecessary, i have to let you know. who know's what's going through your mind now? who know's what you're thinking now? 傻傻的你也许还在想着是为了什么。

嫉妒是正常的吗？

Was I ever ready for this relationship to begin? Were you ready to begin this, were you even ready to let eveything go? Was I too sensitive? Am I wrong to feel this way, to get so jealous and a little upset?

你生变的女生多的是，我也与你分享了我的不安。你明白。你解释了，我了解。可是为什么我依然这么不快乐，依然嫉妒？他们都说你会快乐。

It hasn't even been a month. Yet, I've been upset so many times. Getting upset, jealous, worried over the smallest things. I dislike myself for being someone like that. Then I asked myself once more, was it worth it? Was I ever ready for it? Do I need this? Would I have been better alone? You light up my world but you can bring it down to the darkest corner at the same time. Nobody said it would all be fluff, nobody said it would be a world of only rainbows and fireworks. Nobody promised that. I know.

不了解的是你为什么会对别人那么好。他们要求你这么做，我要求的你却不答应。那是为了什么。我嫉妒，有错吗？这算不算小气，还算是合理？这条路能走多久我不知道，我不清楚。我只知道若有一天我们都走到了十字路口，当我们决定向左走向右走，你会难过。希望党时候的你可以坚强。分手不就是分手，克服了困难过后就只是一个故事。摆脱了才会快乐。你要知道我希望你会快乐。你会非常难过，但你要知道你还是很好。你还可以快乐。