never expected to end my day like this.

there you go.. judging people again. and this time, your daughter. how awesome can that get

hell yeah i know i'm not as smart as her. i know im not as hardworking. i know i seem very slack. i know i am very slack. i know im not putting as much effort as she used to. and of course the most superficial/shallow one jc life has made me ugly and you're now more proud of her cause she's got a scholarship, got prettier (that's what she said) and got people going after her. uh um its just that i dont tell you right -.- now you're totally treating her like goddess and im just like trash even when i try so hard to make our relationship a little better by seeming more enthusiastic when talk to you

i don;t get it. i really don't. why, i mean seriously why? are you more biased towards her. yeah she's smart. but in my opinion, that's the only more significant thing that she's good at. im better than her in other non academic terms like my cca and even my moral values (i strongly believe that i indeed have better values than she does and am more independent) im not trying to 'sell' myself here but seriously. it a fact. even she agrees. (indirectly though). i don't get why you're biased towards her when most of the time you're complaining about how messy she is, how reliant she is on you, how 'princess-y' she is. this doesn't make sense at all.

so back to the incident. i finally decided to sleep early and wake up early tmr while having at least 6 hrs of sleep (i've been having only 3 hrs the past few days) then she pours cold water saying that i dont look tired. ok i admit that i am not VERY tired. but i came to that decision cause my promos is in a day's time and i was really unproductive ( i believe that i can do more tmr morning). obviously she doesnt trust me and think that im incompetent no matter what. trust me, im not over-thinking. its a fact. she's plain bias and judgmental and i dislike it. a lot. was my mum like that all the while (i dont remember it being this extreme) or did she change, just like my sis did? either ways, i detest her present self.

towards the judgmental thing. omg i can't believe she's actually like this. really. she kinds of think that her kids are awesome and well-liked/gone-after by guys (which i shall not deny) but that doesnt give you the right to start looking down on others and start judging them. im not really sure why i detest this whole "judgmental' thing but it really irks me when i hear people making negative comments on others when they dont personally know them at all/well. (if its positive then fine). its really unfair for the person. yeah maybe this particular action of a person shocked you ( in a really negative way) but that definitely does not reflect on his character and values. besides, what gives you the right to make comments on this innocent person? how are you superior to him to speak that of him? both of you are nothing but humans and are on equal footing. EQUAL. you being a senior doesnt make you superior to him at all (in my opinion)

this seriously sucks. the day started off well and everything was smooth sailing. i completed my stuff on time and even had extra time to chill and relax. i came up with a good studying plan for tmr and was looking forward to it. and just as i was about to end the day with a happy heart looking forward to the next morning, i heard this conversation between you two and then you made the comment about me turning in early. it totally ruined everything. although typing it out did make it feel a little better (i love to rant), i still feel upset and thoroughly disappointed in you. as my mother, you should teach me the correct way of treating a person and not lead me in the wrong direction. im glad im able to hold my stance and not waver from your childish and immature comments. i still respect you as my mum, but really, stop judging.

i know nobody's perfect and for sure, i would have (unknowingly) went around judging people. but i promise that it was definitely unintentional and i did not do it to make myself feel superior.

sigh, i hope i'll get over it soon. esp the part about the bais-ness. it was present already but it just got more obvious ever since she went to hostel (even my sis agrees). its not wrong to be bias cause our heart (literally) is leaned right. but it becomes disturbing when it gets obvious. we feelings ok? i respect that you prefer her more than me. it's ok. really. cause life's unfair. but please, practice control over it. stop hurting me so much. i dont want to cry myself to sleep every night thinking that my mum dislikes me. it sucks.