我不会喜欢你

我想我应该应该不会爱你
为了要努力努力的不爱你
所以我让自己那么喜欢你
这样你就不忍心和我分离

我想我讨厌讨厌骄傲的你
也讨厌美好美好的那个你
于是我要自己假装讨厌你
那么你就舍不得离我而去

我必须说我真的不会喜欢你
我不喜欢你占据我所有思绪
连你的窃笑也像是鼓励
从早安后的早餐到晚餐后的晚安
别笑了 别笑了 我不会喜欢你


我放空了 我解脱了
你还是在我的眼里
我喜欢了 我讨厌了
影响不了我的呼吸
原来我 已经无法自拔
我秘密的 爱上你

你不必懂 我真的不会喜欢你
我不想要你因为我变得消极
有你的城市下雨也美丽
从黎明后的太阳 到深夜里的月光
别想了 别想了 我不会喜欢你

别想了 别想了 我不会喜欢你
我不会喜欢你
作词：徐誉庭
作曲：陈柏霖 王宏恩
演唱：陈柏霖http://www.666ccc.com/lrc/15930/373907.htm

巴士车

嘿，有没有觉得在等待对的另一半出现的时候，就像。。在巴士车一样？一整天就等于我们生活中的整个岁月。 在早晨等待就像小时候把自己想象成白雪公主一样在等待白马王子的出现。天真地认为第一眼看到的男生就是我们的白马王子。不小心爱错，会受伤。就像乘搭巴士一样，认为第一辆来的巴士会让我们抵达想到的的目的地，但却不知道这种想法是错的。乘搭的那个搭巴士有着一群上班族，拥挤。脆弱的自己容易被别人推倒。结果受伤。
下午等巴士，就像成熟的我们在等待适合的对象。我们清楚，所以更有可能搭上对的巴士。但，挑三拣四的我们有时候为了让旅程更舒适，宁愿等下一辆。也许。。下一辆的巴士的座位、环境会更舒服一些。因为它是新的款式。我们认为还年轻，时间还早，所以宁愿继续等待，不必心急。等着等着。。。渐渐到晚上了。。晚上的车子少了，到了深夜里跟不用说。就像人渐渐老了。。追你的人也少了。你心急、害怕最后没人来载。若到最后还是不愿乘搭巴士，坚持最后一定会有一辆适合自己的巴士来到巴士站，也许太晚了。孤淋淋的自己在巴士暂等待。在等也没有巴士车了。

若一直都有一辆巴士在旁边等待你接受它，到最后没车子的时候你会接受它吗？

如果觉得孤单、寂寞，就去看一部偶像剧，把自己当成戏里的女主角。

Mummy - the exhibition

my promos are over so i met up with 2 of my besties from guitar :) we went to the art science museum for the mummy exhibition and all i have to say is that my money was well spent! spent $13 on it (regular $15) cause i am a singapore citizen :)

it started off with a 3D 'movie' that 'dissects' the mummy and they explain each part clearly together with the graphics. it was sort of an introduction for me since i had no background of mummies. i initially wanted to visit the exhibit just cause i had no idea where to go and i thought it was pretty cool. was a little afriad that i would be bored but that video sparked my interest in it. so if you happen to be going please do not miss the video. ITS AWESOME. the 3D glasses were a little hard to wear(since they had to give it free), but there was still the 'effect'.

we went to on the exhibitions next and it was like any other exhibits with all the exhibits(umm duhhh..lol) although there were some parts of the description that was a little too low or a little too dim such that i had to squint my eyes to read it, the experience was great. they actually had more hands-on stuff, like they actually have a sample of the cloth used to wrap the mummy for you too feel. and they also have samples of the things they stuff into the mummy(e.g. some special salt, mud,straw etc) and yeah you CAN touch them. they even had a real mummy (covered of course) without the glass box around it(of course they had cameras around it). I would say that although i hope it would have been a little longer(by 15-25 min maybe?) i was pleased with the exhibition.

they also had an activity pouch which you could rent it with your IC. i rented the for 13-16 yrs one and although there were indeed a lot of interesting activities, it was rather useless. firstly it was difficult to open up the pouches while viewing the exhibits and carrying your other bag(with your personal belongings) and (i opened up the bag after the exhibit) some were almost impossible to be done (like dressing up?? it would be really weird if you do it in the middle of the exhibit) and memory card game which was rather useless. i think these activities were probably used to entertain the kids while their parents view the exhibits?? probably.

i must say that i am not a fan of such exhibitions. i've been to a few overseas museums over the years (i travel every year) and this is one of the FEWWWW (really) that captured my interest :) so if you've yet to visit it, please do so before it ends! :)

through this experience one ironic thing that i've found out is that despite my past 11 years of education (ok i started education before primary school but let's just make it simple) those things that i've learnt were useless and uninteresting. unlike the 2 short hours that i've spent on this exhibition. the knowledge stays on much longer and i definitely had more fun learning about mummification. probably because i'm able to appreciate it more, unlike the things I've learnt in school (it all memorizing and really, i've got minimal interest in it. taking the subject combi just cause i have to.)

really ironic that i've learnt more though a 2 hours exhibition than 11 years of my life in school. 

"project"

here it is!! *drumrolls*

(c) greentealeaves

haha it might not be seen as something huge but im really proud of this ^^ haha its my first time :)) i'll see how things go and probably do more of such stuff that im seriously in love with :))

completed :)

just completed my math paper. screwed it. very badly. i might even have trouble getting a 45m pass instead of a 50m pass. sigh. i seriously don't want to fail and to take a R paper and worst, retain. yup i shouldn't be here typing away knowing that i have another paper tomorrow and should be busy studying away. but i need to vent it out before i move on. its my personality.

so anyways, im done with my 'project'!  completed the final part last night! but im not planning to upload it today (whoops) haha only tmr k? its a promise i made to myself! only tomorrow so let's be patient :) that's it and im off to study for my FINAL paper :) all the best and good luck!

独处

明天的这一个时候，希望能自己度过。

或许会有其他的朋友是希望能与一群朋友度过，我却希望是自己一个。听起来很孤单，寂寞，但其实独处也是一种享受。就像大家常说的 "alone time". 谁说独处就一定是被别人排斥，不一定。

明天的这一个时候若真的是自己独处的时间，其实最想做的事就是独自去看一部电影。静静地看着也不错。虽然是想这么做，但我不会。原因很简单——害怕别人嘲笑。嘲笑我孤僻。我承认自己不够勇敢。承认自己害怕别人的闲言闲语。

所以宁愿呆在家里。因为别人看不见。会做什么呢？hmmmm 弹吉它吧。。在网上看电影。。减肥计划。。接下来的打算。。上网。。就这样吧。简单，平凡，但偏偏就是我想要做的。

哦对了，还有一个。是最想做的，但也是最不可能的——出国。独自出国。是疯了。但就是好玩。

人生本来就应该是享受。对吧？

New 'project'

hmm recently I've been working on this really cool 'project' which i'm looking forward to see it's final product :))

 haha ok actually i started it only on friday so technically it's only been 2 days and it's already 50% done! (so as you can see this 'project' is not a huge one so please dont expect anything AMAZING) but anyways it's something that i definitely love doing (there's no boundaries) and theres 0 stress when doing it :) although sometimes i do get a little distracted (it's still me promos season and i still need to study), it kinda keeps me focused ... better?? haha promise to upload the entire photo when it's done! here's just a little part of it. hmm currently im only going to put up the full picture on here and twitter but im still wondering where to place the hardcopy at. in my file?on  my wall? or leave it where it is? we'll see how it goes :)

DISCLAIMER: did this purely for joy and i do not intend to claim any recognition from anyone :) I REALLY LIKE DOODLING 

haha so how did this all come about?? while i was doing math. see now you realise how boring JC math is.. to the extent that i'll be doodling(oops i just realised i leaked out a hint :P).. and actually considering it as a 'project'. i really have 0 interest for math and im doing it just cause its compulsory. and frankly speaking, this seems to be the case for most singaporean students. really. i've went around asking my friends what they would be doing now if it wasn't compulsory to take these subjects/be in school/ study. so far none of them told me that they would be studying math. so you see...

haha ok i know i rarely have an objective for my posts ..cause i love freestyle.. i mean blogging is typing anything that comes to your mind? no? well at least that's how i see it :)) had a great day cause it's 50 % done. so here's a fraction of the 'project'!

100 % hand-drawn!

lol i know the lighting is a bit off.. :P promise to not take the completed one at night :P

never expected to end my day like this.

there you go.. judging people again. and this time, your daughter. how awesome can that get

hell yeah i know i'm not as smart as her. i know im not as hardworking. i know i seem very slack. i know i am very slack. i know im not putting as much effort as she used to. and of course the most superficial/shallow one jc life has made me ugly and you're now more proud of her cause she's got a scholarship, got prettier (that's what she said) and got people going after her. uh um its just that i dont tell you right -.- now you're totally treating her like goddess and im just like trash even when i try so hard to make our relationship a little better by seeming more enthusiastic when talk to you

i don;t get it. i really don't. why, i mean seriously why? are you more biased towards her. yeah she's smart. but in my opinion, that's the only more significant thing that she's good at. im better than her in other non academic terms like my cca and even my moral values (i strongly believe that i indeed have better values than she does and am more independent) im not trying to 'sell' myself here but seriously. it a fact. even she agrees. (indirectly though). i don't get why you're biased towards her when most of the time you're complaining about how messy she is, how reliant she is on you, how 'princess-y' she is. this doesn't make sense at all.

so back to the incident. i finally decided to sleep early and wake up early tmr while having at least 6 hrs of sleep (i've been having only 3 hrs the past few days) then she pours cold water saying that i dont look tired. ok i admit that i am not VERY tired. but i came to that decision cause my promos is in a day's time and i was really unproductive ( i believe that i can do more tmr morning). obviously she doesnt trust me and think that im incompetent no matter what. trust me, im not over-thinking. its a fact. she's plain bias and judgmental and i dislike it. a lot. was my mum like that all the while (i dont remember it being this extreme) or did she change, just like my sis did? either ways, i detest her present self.

towards the judgmental thing. omg i can't believe she's actually like this. really. she kinds of think that her kids are awesome and well-liked/gone-after by guys (which i shall not deny) but that doesnt give you the right to start looking down on others and start judging them. im not really sure why i detest this whole "judgmental' thing but it really irks me when i hear people making negative comments on others when they dont personally know them at all/well. (if its positive then fine). its really unfair for the person. yeah maybe this particular action of a person shocked you ( in a really negative way) but that definitely does not reflect on his character and values. besides, what gives you the right to make comments on this innocent person? how are you superior to him to speak that of him? both of you are nothing but humans and are on equal footing. EQUAL. you being a senior doesnt make you superior to him at all (in my opinion)

this seriously sucks. the day started off well and everything was smooth sailing. i completed my stuff on time and even had extra time to chill and relax. i came up with a good studying plan for tmr and was looking forward to it. and just as i was about to end the day with a happy heart looking forward to the next morning, i heard this conversation between you two and then you made the comment about me turning in early. it totally ruined everything. although typing it out did make it feel a little better (i love to rant), i still feel upset and thoroughly disappointed in you. as my mother, you should teach me the correct way of treating a person and not lead me in the wrong direction. im glad im able to hold my stance and not waver from your childish and immature comments. i still respect you as my mum, but really, stop judging.

i know nobody's perfect and for sure, i would have (unknowingly) went around judging people. but i promise that it was definitely unintentional and i did not do it to make myself feel superior.

sigh, i hope i'll get over it soon. esp the part about the bais-ness. it was present already but it just got more obvious ever since she went to hostel (even my sis agrees). its not wrong to be bias cause our heart (literally) is leaned right. but it becomes disturbing when it gets obvious. we feelings ok? i respect that you prefer her more than me. it's ok. really. cause life's unfair. but please, practice control over it. stop hurting me so much. i dont want to cry myself to sleep every night thinking that my mum dislikes me. it sucks.

it's unhealthy

i've been surviving on an average of 4 hours of sleep per day for this entire week. and it's definitely the most productive week i've ever had. up to date. im serious. it was just wake up => study all the way => sleep really late (around 3 am?). i do slack somewhere along the way but i finish my work(most of the time)

but it's really worrying me quite a bit because i'll drink coffee early in the morning to ensure that i do not feel sleepy later in the day and that i am able to study. but its really unhealthy to do so. i know. and sometimes i start having very late supper so that i keep myself awake. but nowadays i see all my eye bags/ dark eye rings popping out and its ugly :( someone tell me what to do! ><

it comes both ways. right?

I really dislike people looking/staring/glancing into my room. REALLY.

I don't keep my doors closed when i'm in my room (my parents dislike it. i tried closing it but they'll open up again and ask me why i closed it so ever since then, i've decided to leave it open)(i mean i've got nothing to hide and if it makes them feel better.. ok.) so when you walk past my room and happen to look in (which i dislike) you'll see what im doing (duhh) cause my table's right smack facing the door.(which means i'm facing the door too). the reason why i dislike people looking into my room/randomly entering my room/stand in front of my table and shutting up is because it gets really irritating cause i find it distracting. by looking into my room when you walk past makes it feel like you're spying on me or something. i mean, if you want to know what im doing. ASK ME. open up your mouth and ASK. i dont like people to be glancing into my room every time they walk past (esp my parents) . im really tempted to add a sign outside my room "ask me if you want to know what i'm doing. stop glancing , its RUDE. and i mean it. it IS rude to do so. even if you're my parent. we need to respect each other. ok? i'm sure you wont like it if i start peering over your shoulders when you're using the laptop right? it goes the same way. i gave in to you by leaving my door open so you should also do the same by changing that bad habit of yours. i'll truly appreciate it. thanks. a lot.

respect come both ways. i respected your decision of leaving my door open so respect mine too and give me some privacy.

0% carbo :))

3rd post of the day with promos in 3 day's time!!! i must be crazy.

anyways, im in a rather good mood now (even though the weather's really unbearable and i'm waiting for it to rain) cause i just made my own lunch ^^ satisfaction level is at its maximum right now :)

ok so i wanted to try making my own lunch (i have a maid) cause 1. I got bored 2. making your own lunch is FUN 3. wanted to be healthy by having a 0% carbo meal (ok i had 1 stick of crabstick actually :P)(and i added 1 1/2 teaspoon of oil :P)

I had boiled veggie(x4) and crabstick(x1) with 0% oil and 0% carbo. HEALTHY! :) hmm ok halfway through it got a little bland so i added some kind of jap sauce. It tasted much better after that.
I also had omelette+onion+chicken nugget and chicken nugget. This was the part where i added 1 1/2 teaspoon of oil. too much. my throat felt a little greasy after the meal :( well, i should have cooked the omellette+onion(sliced)+chicken nugget(sliced) a little longer and maybe should have added a little salt/chili/pepper or smth. a little bland but still nice :) as for the chicken nugget i realised there was still a LITTLE bit of egg left so i added it in. it formed a thin layer of fried egg (duhh) over the nugget which made it taste nicer cause that layer was crispy :) (you should try it too!)

so overall (sorry no picture, my dad was sitting there you see) although i was a LITTLE BIT bland but definitely very healthy :) a healthy me makes a happy me. and i believe it works that was for you too :)

P.S. ok i really need to focus but its in the afternoon and its getting a little warm....

a bright or dull orange ink used

when you tell your friends how depressed you feel or anything negative. they tell you they've got your back. they tell you they'll always be there. 24/7.

sometimes it's not good to over-promise if you can't fulfill that.

friendship is a beautiful thing. it can be built within seconds, it can last for a lifetime. but only if made with the right people and with the right effort to sustain it.

frankly speaking, i dont feel that i'm suited for friendships (the long-lasting ones). i mean, i would wish and love to have it but sometimes i feel that i'm too realistic to have one. i'm too self-centered to think of my friends before me. yeah i went out on a date with my girlfriends a week before my promos but it's to the extend that even my friends feels that i'm too........... arghh i dont know whats that words but it's negative :/

i try to change. but i'm a really extreme person. it's either i change to be reallyyyyyy nice and give in to everything and probably end up over-doing it. or be really mean and end up having no true friends.

well im only 17 and i know i have a long way ahead of me to meet many more people to forge even more friendships. but i can't help feeling lonely now.

it's a lonely day for the green tea leaves to be lonely. even though they've got each other.

this is a place where i really shouldn't lie. or else there's really no place where i can be truthful to myself. i admit it. there are times where i feel really lonely. 

It's not that i do not have friends and it's definitely not that i'm an outcast in school. i do have friends and i get along well with them. but none of them are my true friends. those i can look to for any help or to simply just talk or do retarded stuff. so many friendships forged, but none of those i can be comfortable around. talk about being comfortable, i can only do that around my family.

what lead me to this topic was something really...insignificant. it was just because of a study date (my promos in 3 days :/) usually i'll visit the library with my sis to study (for this week) but it happened that she had tuition so she had to stay at home. I could either visit the library myself, go to school ot stay at home.  i tried contacting my 'closer' friends but (for twice) no one wanted. some had other plans while others just said it was too sudden (they had to seek their parent's consent. see what i mean? my friends were...less YOLO. i like having sudden events rather than planned. but it doesnt and cannot happen that way. i realised i couldnt find anyone to go out on a study date with. of course i could go to the library or to school myself. but i need someone to be there studying so that i'll tend to 'drift off ' less. i felt really lonely. and it seemed like i've distant from my 'closer' friends. this thought was definitely not only due to this issue but many other reasons. i wonder if i'm the only one feeling this way or it's just a jc problem (there were quite a number of tweets, from the people i follow, regarding friendships)

i wish i could find this one, true soul mate. well i know that, of course, i have to start being like one before being able to find one. i tried. but till date i still feel lonely. 

maybe i just dont realize the number of friends that i have that care for me. i always comfort myself this way. and hopefully it happens to be true.

ok i admit im posting just cause i got bored of studying :/

so anyways, not really sure if cause we're just too busy with studying/ i stopped starting the convo/she just realised i kinda dislike talking to her. we havent said a word to each other since the last time. and we live under the same roof. WOW. i mean seriously, we see each other in the house but we didnt talk. not at all. its not like i missed talking to her but its just.. weird(?). 

anyways, i kinda realise that studying is sucking away all my time to do other things. before i started this post i was thinking about something eventful that happened which i could talk about (my hands started getting itchy to type) but apparently there was none. wow out of 48 hours of my life there was nothing eventful to talk about. probably cause i was hiding in the library, mugging away (well i spent about ~1/3 of my time slacking)(hey my promos is in a week's time!)

I was actually hoping for a more "happening" thing to occur :/ why is my life so boring. (wells maybe it will get more "exciting"  after promos)(I'll get REAL BUSY)

back to the past....

wow third post.. its already 1:25am and i still have my circular motion & WEP to check, gravitation ws and integration to do. and i need to be in school by 8.30. hmmmmm ok.

right, so i used to own a blog too..but i kind of shut it down. not sure why. just had the urge to do so. ok i was a pretty...brain-less kid. in the sense that i was immature. i guess i still am but at least its not that bad anymore. I was Sec1 then and we had a farewell party for the seniors. it was my first time being exposed to all these sort of things (we didnt have it in primary school..) especially being ordered around by the seniors. i detested it. then. I didnt like people ordering me about. what's more making me carry canteen benches while the seniors are slacking away chattering. of couse i was mad ( haha I didnt know this was how thing work then). I think i showed it on my face (my expression can be easily read). anyways so i got home, angry, and furiously typed out the situation and started complaining. like crazy. no joke. and obviously they knew since they know my blog's URL. (so dumb of me) and of course i got scolded blah blah blah. i guess it got really complicated from there just that i didnt know. This incident left a huge scar and i took some time to heal from it (actually i was shocked, i didnt realise it would result in such a hugeee 'response') but of course it was also a turning point from then. i learnt the ropes, knew how things worked, and of course never committed that 'crime' again. I grew up from there knowing the importance of respect and of course to not publicly show that you're upset (even though i sometimes still do this now). However, this does not necessarily mean i agree with their past actions. thankfully, my batch agreed that it was the wrong way to treat the juniors. we decided that working together was a better method and of course it happened that way.

i still feel sorry to the seniors that i have hurt while i was in my sec 1 year (I was SERIOUSLY immature, brain-less kid back then).

虽然希望那从未发生过，但感激从中成长了。。。

I never knew

ok i confess i just read it. wow. I knew it was like that. but not THAT bad. i didnt know what happened between you guys but i just wish everything would change for the better. i agree with what you said. it's true. and yeah she needs to change. she needs to realise that what she's doing is pissing us off.

清楚你性格内向，但希望你有烦恼时可以来找我。虽然不一定能给你最好的解决方法，但把心事藏在心里会内伤的。只想让你知道我永远都在 ：）

I wish things were a little better

all right so here it goes..

I've got one more week till my promos but lately many things have been happening (or was i just over thinking) and i realized i pretty much need a blog. or at least somewhere to rant. I mean i have a diary but writing out is too slow and... i tend to have really ugly hand writing so the book looks kind of ugly..

so anyways, hmm, i have 2 sisters and to speak the truth, i used to be closer to my elder sis. probably because we had an extra 2 years of interaction as compared to with my younger sis. or maybe just cause this was how everything is. I mean i guess i was pretty close to both of them :) we didnt quarrel much... which was something we could "boast" about since sibling usually quarrel. a lot. much more than us. much much more. but this wasn't that good for us i realised. just a moment ago. having no quarrels meant that we agreed/accepted/gave in to each other most of the time. i mean, we are bound to have different views, but we dont say it. sometimes the unfair-ness bottles up. and when it erupts, it gets really bad. and when we still refuse to speak the truth, it just gets worse.

I used to look for my elder sis and talk to her a lot. from anything random to really serious stuff that can make me tear up. I looked up to her as my role model (im not kidding. really) she was really nice then,so different from now. Im not sure when everything started to change, probably after she went JC? or after her hall life started? i cant remember. i just knew that we wasn't the person i used to know, the one i could talk to for a really king time. nowadays, with 2 sentences (max) she can totally piss me off. it wasn't like that. definitely not. she started becoming a total different person. she started comparing everything of her against me. it seemed like she was trying to bring me down by telling me how good she was (to be frank, i have low self-esteem so i get brought down real quick). i knew i didnt like the way she was acting but i didnt bother telling her since i was pretty much used to keeping these opinions to myself. of course it got worse, i pretty much try to avoid starting a conversation with her. she changed. and i didn't like a single but of it. yeah she was more..open??? but also became more proud?? and... ok i cant think of a word to describe it. its just... different now.

she told me that reflection was good. she even voluntarily typed out a 2 page (or was it 4?) which reflected her experiences working as an intern at KPMG. and i was like WOW good. yeah she told me that she's been reflecting every now and then (it's good for personal growth) and she feels that she needs to be more sensitive to others and i was like ok good... but now im wondering, did she became more sensitive? no. cause if she was, she wouldnt have done that to me. not at all. conclusion: her reflection was all words but no actions.

she's smart i must admit. academically and of course street smart too. she was the typical smart student.. all As for her O's and A's. many scholarships attained. had a good relationship with the teachers. yeah she has a good heart too since she loves kids. but..somehow...i wasn't exactly hoping that i'll turn out to be like her. cause she's really got some problem with her character/personality/relationships (im sorry i dont exactly know which to put under cause currently im still really confused/shocked/upset by her change. i really miss the past her). i think she really needs to learn to be more considerate and sensitive to other's feelings. i think im suppose to tell her and i think i need to.but how? and would she listen? or would she be pissed.

currently our relationship is still neutral (it used to be excellent to the extend that my friends are jealous that we have such close relationship. really).but if she's going to stay the way she is.. and not change... someday... things might just get worse and i wouldnt want that to happen.

外面的雨下得好大，还好有这温暖的家。