变了。你怎么变了。你怎么变得那么惹人厌。怎么变得我们好像八字不合。怎么变成了一个陌生人。不一样了。一切都不一样了。

从前我们是有纠纷，会有不和的时候。只是这几天也未必发生得太多次了吧？不一样了。真的不一样了。好像有个透明的墙壁。好像一心只想为了炫耀。好像一心只想着要讨好他们。你怎么变得那么复杂？变得不像我几个月前认识的人？才5个月。你变了好多。是变得更成熟了吗？可是谁说过成熟就等于变得复杂化？变得少了人情味？你已经不再像从前一样亲切了。你变了。你不再是我认识的亲切，最证实的自己。你不再像以前一样真诚的对待生变的人。你变了。

现在的你。我真的真的不太习惯，不太喜欢，不太想接受。我想是不是着几个月发生了什么事让你逼不得已变成这样？还是你一直以来都这样，只是我没擦觉？我只知道我讨厌这样的你。我想要找回从前的你。从前的你跑去哪里了？

你说过你找出了与他们沟通的方法了。恭喜你。我也看得出你成功了。或许你也一样早已发现了与我沟通的方式。但，少了“人性”又有什么用？现在，与你沟通感觉上就像是个说得上认识很久但不太熟的朋友。都说变了。感觉当然也变了。我们不在像从前一样亲密。不一样了。

我朋友说得对，I don't have many pillars of support. However, those that I have are very very strong. 他们很可靠。需要他们的时候，我知道他们一定在。是，you're supposed to be one of my few but very strong pillar of support. 在我需要你的时候我知道你会在。但是因为感觉不一样了，不在像从前一样有熟悉的感觉，遇见困难时可能会需要多一些时间才会去找你。也可能不会像以前一样对你那么诚实。我还是希望一切能够回到从前。从前的那种感觉。可是因该不可能了。因为你似乎看不出问题的所在，我也不打算告诉你问题的所在。那就这样吧。我们不会变成陌生人。只是不会再像从前一样的亲密。或许这是种暗示。暗示我因该往前看，不该总是原地踏步，不该总是依靠你。是时候move on 了。

Maybe it was a really bad day. Or maybe... It was just facts that I needed to know. Facts that I needed to see clearly, needed to face, needed to hide it less with the overwhelming emotions.

I don't know where to start from. Both concerns important people. There's too much going on. I don't know where or how to start.

So let's see where this goes...

我想我明白了。我想你给的暗示也够了。我想我因该看清楚了。是，是我想太多。是我看的太远。sorry. 是我把太多太多反面的例子变成了正面的例子。是我把自己丢进自己的陷阱。是我自己把陷阱挖得越来越深。是我自讨苦吃。sorry.这阵子麻烦你了。虽然很抱歉，虽然很遗憾，虽然不是自己想象出的结果，我还是得说声谢谢。谢谢那些美丽的回忆。他们真的真的很美。值得回忆。也得谢谢你提早发现也让我自己看清楚不可能。我明白。真的明白。下个学期应该会有些不一样，可能会有点不习惯，不过应该会没关系吧？会没关系的。时间很快就会过去的，生活中的种种事情也会把这空空的脑袋装得满满的，没剩下的位子胡斯乱想。我会很忙很忙很忙。我不希望自己再次乱想。不可能。不再可能。所以不要乱想。确定。明显。

人，是会变的。the only constant is change. 从前和你交谈的时候，我很喜欢，很快乐，很期待。可是你变了。你比从前现实，更复杂，就像有个透明的墙壁。举动上，语言上一样情切。只是感觉不一样了。有些时候好像看不透，好像不像以前真诚。我们是家人。但是感觉上没像从前一样了。变了。你还是一样不太直接，不太会把自己的想法说出来。会暗示。还一样。只是现在多了复杂。会把自己的暗示，在适当的时候，说成实画。请你了解暗示和自己确实说出的话是两件很不同的事。例如，暗示自己饱了。和自己真实说出自己饱了是两件很不一样的事情。暗示自己饱了，可以在两个不同的情况下帮助自己伤害别人。可以变成：我自己确实是这么说了。也可以是我没那么说是你想太多了，it's just a passing remark you know. 好复杂。讨厌你这个 bitch mode。I mean, yes, we all have this annoying side of us. But 我真的受不了你这个mode. 很假。很bossy. 其实你以前就这样了。不知道是不是自己之前没看清楚还是最进真的严重了。不过你这个bitch mode我也来也受不了。

你说过我们是两个世界不同的人。我说没关系，因为彼此迁就、了解就可以了。
原来，我有点太天真了。有些事情了解了不代表能接受，不代表彼此就搭配。我们俩过着不一样的生活。非常不一样的生活。以为迁就、了解就ok了。没那么简单。这是不是解释了你所谓短暂的日子。因为顺求新鲜感，寻求新体验。给不了你，分开？

已经不是第一次了。这就是相信别人、依赖别人的结果。还是自己靠自己比较可靠。如果从一开始不那么轻易相信别人不就好了。这不是他们的错。是你自己太依赖别人。我没有想要怪任何人。是自己的错。我知道了。下一次还是自己去查清楚比较好。

may i have lots and lots of good luck next sem to get the mods i need!!

you came in and told me about it. suddenly, i realised there are so many more important people in my life i should care for. there are so many more people i have in my life who loves me more for my original self than you would. there are so many more people in my life that i truly love.  who are you to take up to much of my time, who are you to waste so much of my precious resources for, who are you even to given such remarks about who i am and to define me. 

thank you for making things clear. there are so many more people out there whom i should treasure. who are you to be wasting my time like this.

I know how I'll always say that if you ever realise that things aren't going to work out, drop me a hint or let me know directly and I'll take it the right way.

我发现了那是幻想中非常非常勇敢理想的自己。我其实没有那么勇敢。会害怕有一天真的发生，会害怕有一天我会不由自主的回到我们以前的对话，需要一大把勇气删除一切。

what happens when people break up? what do they do to overcome it? how does their lifestyle change? how do they adjust back? how do they get back on track to an independent life?

我可不可以更勇敢？

有时候真希望自己能够勇敢一点，告诉自己：

预期浪费那么多时间考虑，不如直接勇往直前去试一试。也许不会是想象中那么恐怖。如果到最后不是个美满的结局，也可以是个学习经验，可以变得更成熟。

总是希望自己可以这么勇敢。但偏偏自己总是想太多。所以到最后总是原地踏步，无法向前走。

我可不可以更勇敢？

是不是玩完了？

是不是看清楚了才会明白？

原来很多事情不能只看表面。原来我还有很多我不知道的事。 原来没有想象中重要、独特。原来是自己把一切看的太美好。why can't we seem to have the best of both worlds? why, just when you thought everything seemed perfect, you learn a few fact that changes this whole idea of 'perfection' you had? is this why things didn't last?

明明就是自己的空间，为什么需要小心翼翼？为什么需要在乎别人的看法？

如果是自己的空间，那个地方就不该被称为“社交网站”。“社”，是群体。需要顾虑到别人的感受。它不是私人的空间。

不小心接受了你的要求。我现在真的后悔。是立刻后悔。看来以后只能更加小心了。为什么会在一时冲动下接受。OMG。我的空间。。。好像缩小了。

你能接受的东西，你想知道的东西，不一定是我想透露、让你知道的事情。突然，刚觉上我的隐私被暴露了。这是我自己一时冲动的选择。但是当时的我如果不这么反应的话，岂不是很尴尬？ 我可以回答：“哦，等一下再帮你弄。” 但是过了“等一下”我还不是一样要这么弄。避不开吧。又不能说了但又不弄。尴尬呀。你不说不就好了吗。白痴。你是想拉近我们的距离，想让他知道我在干什么。是，我知道，身为你女儿我因该让你知道我的动静。但有些事情你真的不必知道，有些感想我也不太想让你知道。有些事情是想让朋友知道，就只有他们。

算了，不太愿意做的事情都做了。我还能怎样。下一次小心点吧。有你在也不一定是见坏事情。helps me to regulate the content and frequency too. oh wells. 看来以后得多用你了。谢啦。

当我们不再见面的时候，当感情淡化的时候，当我还没把这一切输入进脑袋的时候，当我还在想着的时候。。。

那一句话这么那么难完成？感觉上有好多好多话想说，却又不知道该怎么说出来才好。也不知道是不是自己想太多。希望不是吧。

那句话，如果不想太多的话，也只不过是的passing remark.但是更深一层去看待，能代表很多事情和情绪。它代表着什么也只有请自取问才会知道。是暗示吗？你不直接告诉我，我不会知道。再看着办吧也只能这样。我只希望这样的自己，那样的问题，那所有的情绪波动会渐渐消失。为什么？因为我想太多，因为你不可靠。

有些人希望有完美的结局，有些人更注重故事的发展。而你呢？

这时的你应该觉得我这个人怎么那么奇怪吧。为什么那么迟回复。为什么即使你在改变回复的速度，我还是一样那么迟才回复。那是因为你不懂，我也没告诉你。因为好像没必要告诉你。生气？计较？失望？还是不理睬？无所谓？就像对待她一样，说忘就忘。一切也只是曾经？我知道花费那么多时间回复你等也等到累了。等着等着也习惯了。等着等着也觉得不重要了，忘掉了。对不起，这也不是我想要的。时间就是考验。一切也许也只能用时间来证明。

我知道，等待是一种煎熬。

对不起。

This got me thinking that maybe it was better this way after all. Maybe it was great to have this long break so we can both settle it out. Separately. Unaffected by the emotions and presence. Maybe everything would die down, maybe we'll come to realise it's just not right. Or maybe just you. Just you coming to realise it all and me, 原地踏步. Tell me straight so I'll get it. Don't go on with that theory of yours. It's karma maybe. I'm sorry.

A life like this away from your usual self, some abnormalities. Maybe you'll come to see the difference and better appreciate those who care. It's those that notice the little abnormalities that are important no? So I hope you see. See it clear. Who cares and who don't and if this is all worthwhile. All the time and worry. Yes, there's some joy in it too that you'll have to give credit to. But really? Is this what you want? Maybe you're worrying too much, but it keeps you away from wasting your time. It keeps you away from the possibility of excessive negativity. Think clear. Is this what you want? Are the short moments of happiness and adrenaline rush and maybe even heart flutters worthwhile? Would they last in the long run? Would it still stay the same? What if it dies out? Would it still be the same or would it end up as something undesirable? What is it that you're looking for? What is it that you want? What is it that you're willing to take in, to compromise, to give up? To give up without regrets without pain without getting scarred?

I don't know. I'm lost. Tell me the truth, give me a sign. I'll take it. The right way.

Tell me I'm not being too sensitive
Tell me you're not interested any more
Tell me you're giving up
Tell me you've moved on
Tell me you've changed your mind
Tell me there's someone new
Or tell me you've came to realise I'm not the right one

I would rather you tell me the truth.

Tell me the truth so we can play this game fair and square
Tell me so I can stop holding on
Tell me so I can stop noticing
Tell me so I can stop thinking about it
Tell me so I'll get less bothered by it

Don't tell me so you'll stay as a source of strength
and so that I have someone to tell 'I miss you'.

我没有你想象中那样好。你看清楚了。你不是我想象中的那个大好人。我明白了。

我们人生当中有许多丑陋的事情。真的，有些事情不想让人知道。但是，偏偏这世界上有一种东西叫做脸书。而笨笨的自己却忘了untag自己丑陋的照片。是的，起初真的真的觉得很尴尬很讨厌。真希望自己早一点untag自己。终于明白为什么有些人那么在意。因为世界上就会有这种到处去找你丑陋的照片的朋友。是的起初真的后悔。那些照片太丑太丑。但同时我也得感谢那些照片，感谢他们的存在，感谢他们把我弄得那么丑。越丑也好。你看得越来越清楚。此时此刻坐在你对面的这位女生其实没有你想象中那么好。她其实可以那么丑。所以，在你告白之前，请你看清楚了。看清楚他的模样，看清楚这就是你想要的。 我最丑陋的性格，最丑陋的模样都被你看清楚了。其实这样也很好。看清楚了，你想清楚了，再说吧。没关系。好过到时候彼此都后悔。到时候是不是太迟了。还好。现在还早。

翻过那些照片，你说的话我不是没听过。之前很多朋友都那么说过。原本以为自己会习惯。因为习惯就好。没想到过了那么久，听过了无数次的comments, 虽然总是面带笑过，我的自尊是又被伤害到的。拜托。我也是人好不好。你的坦白，谢谢。你说过的话也许会跟着我一段时间。也许会永远跟着我也说不定。是听过很多次了，但每一次都没习惯过来，每一次都会留下伤痕。他会康复。但是到最后还是留下疤痕不是吗？我不是不认同你的看法。我承认。但是这世界上有哪一个人是完美的。我知道我必须包容这一切。也知道我必须接受。因为我是我。我要懂得自爱。

又走题的。回到重点。重点是，谢谢你的诚实。因为你的诚实，我把你这个人看得更清楚。原本以为你会不一样。说话时比较会进过大脑。为人着想。我看清楚了。hamburger. hamburger. hamburger. 也因为你，我发现原来从前的自己好傻。后悔了。但也同时发现，可能，真的，他不是你。我看错了。我们不可能。我需要的是一个能够包容这一切的人。而你不是。你根本不是。原来你和别人一样。以貌取人。从本人的悲痛得到乐趣。我以为你会不一样。turns out you're just as judgemental. 可能来到了大学，大家都更懂得掩盖自己的性格。they behave in a way that is more socially acceptable. 如果是这样的话，那请问我能相信谁呢。带着一个假面具的你。此时此刻，看清楚了。

我没有你想象中那样好。你看清楚了。你不是我想象中的那个大好人。我明白了。

how would we move on from here. time will tell. 我们都把彼此看得更清楚。

Numerous times, going back and forth about the same topic. When you come by too often, when I get used to your prescence, I wish for some freedom, some time alone. I feel like we need some time off. Conversations are running out and it revolvs around the same thing. The way you behave can be a turn off some times. Too childish, we can't hold a conversation on a serious topic. You told me your friends enjoy your company. Yes, you're fun to be around. But what happens if I need someone to talk to me about a matter that has been troubling me? What happens if I need a serious heart-to-heart talk instead of a casual 'fun' talk? I don't know. Maybe you feel like we're not on that level of friendship to talk about serious matters yet. Or maybe you just can't hold deep conversations and don't reflect or even pay attention to such things in life. If that's the case, it's not going to work out no matter how considerate you are or no matter what you do to prove your worth.

Yet, when such thoughts run through my mind, there's this little part of me that wishes for your company. I wish you're around. That emptiness, it's awkward. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know your intentions anymore. One moment you're pointing out the flaws and maybe you're truly fustrated by it by hey this is who I am. I am not planning to change by the way. I am planning to stay the way I am unless someone proves to me why its important for me to change. So if you can't take it, please let me know.

I guess time will tell. I'll have to wait. 

发生了那种事情，是，我被吓到了。真的。害怕。想哭但又哭不出。觉得自己倒霉。便便就在考试的前一晚发生这种事情。倒霉。真的倒霉。但是冷静下来，和你谈的以后，虽然还没忘掉，虽然脑袋现在还是有种空空的感觉，被吓到的感觉，现在的我希望你竟快找到治疗的方法。经快得到求救。经快康复。大学生活满绿，容易因为压力失去理智。我能明白。我也原谅你。这不是你的错。只是一时失去控制。是脑袋的一些化学作用。不是你的错。这也许也是一种经验和一种提醒。不是大学就等于安全。还有，压力，要懂得manage好来。学业重要，但身体健康更重要。不要因为成绩而失去理智。 希望你早日康复。我们有缘分的话，能在你康复以后再见面。加油。

Don't ever rely

and so, it seems like I will be alone for the remaining week/days.

and so, now perhaps you'll understand why I'm afraid to get used to things, to get used to people's existence, to get used to company. Because when they leave, there's that awkward sudden emptiness. I'm not blaming you. I understand. It's just... well... I'll get used to it. It's no big deal. It's just... the road back is going to seem quiter, colder and lonlier than before. I was used to walking that path alone. When you came it got brighter and surprsingly way shorter. Well... I don't know how it's going to turn out tomorrow. I mean, it's not that bad to have sometime for yourself I guess. It's not that bad to have sometime to reflect and experience that walk back like how it used to be initially. It's really not that bad.

Don't rely. Don't ever rely.

昨天更老朋友谈了好久好久。也没发现原来时间可以走得那么快，也没发现原来把心事说去来以后可以那么有‘解脱’。我把现在最烦恼的事情告诉他了。是，到最后我们都没有下个定论。there was no solution to this problem. He didn't give me a concrete solution. But advice, the advice he gave and the time. 谢谢。真的谢谢。把心事告诉别人，把他们的感想告诉我。it's insights i really needed at that point in time. to sort things out clearly for me. to let me see things from other's perspective. love? no. like? yes, maybe. thinking? definitely. honestly, 还没告诉你更个故事的时候，你就已经下了定论说‘有机会’。真的蛮惊人的。但是谢谢你让我看清楚，当我已经在考虑这个问题的时候就代表我在乎。我真的在乎才会考虑才会顾虑。是，我是看清楚了。但是有时候事情就真的没那么简单。因为有人与人之间的关系。复杂。矛盾。不是因为喜欢就能在一起那么简单。所以，到时候再说吧。船到桥头自然直。

anyways, 其实这不是重点。其实一开始打开blogger的时候是想说我想家。不知为什么却谈到了那一点。才刚踏近我房间5分钟就想家了。我的天啊T.T这样子不行。还得在这里多住9到10天。想家。温暖。方便。舒服。回到宿舍。疯了不够时间读书。完蛋了。

就是因为这样，我害怕习惯。

每一次一起吃晚饭以后总会害怕我是不是没有你想象中那么完美。到最后，你会不会因为发现我的种种缺点而决定离开。会不会，到最后，我们两的角色对换？

起初，还有些陌生。只是觉得你这个人很好说话。还没开始习惯。你想离开就离开把。我无所谓。现在开始习惯你的存在了。也开始害怕万一有一天因为发现我的缺点、发现我其实没有那么完美，你会不会不再来找我了？到时候的我该怎么办。你没关系，因为你已经渐渐疏远，你早有预备。但我，你忘了警告我。到时候，那空缺，我会需要很久很久的时间，慢慢的用自己的方式填满。

也就是因为这样，我害怕习惯。习惯了你的存在。若有一天你不再，我该怎么办。

下个学期，我们还会不会有这样的理由见面？还是会因为彼此开始忙碌起来，各自有新结交的朋友而不再见面了。是我害怕。害怕你找到了比我更适合你的朋友。害怕你不再联络我。害怕那个空缺。

Honestly, I am feeling a little tired and depressed from studying for finals. I know I am running out of time and it seems like I don't have enough time to cover all the modules. Screwed. Really really screwed. Yes, and I have no one to blame but myself. For procrastinating when I had the time and not taking responsibility for my education. Happens all the time. I tell myself that I would revise beforehand but no it never works. I'll only have next semester to try again.

So I wonder, would you still be around when that ugly side of me is shown to you? Yes, you've seen enough. But what you've seen is not the scariest. It's not the core. And maybe that's why you're still around. What happens when you realize that this girl you've been studying with, all this while, is a monster on the inside. When her temper gets control over her, you'll see. I don't know if I should be afraid that it'll happen or if I should be glad that it happens.

So I wonder, would you still be around when I start telling you all my worries and troubles? When I become the most annoying and needy as I'll ever be? No, I've yet to show that side to you. You've yet to see it. When the complaints come with no fun but purely depressed and anxiety. She'll turn into an ugly and mean woman, she'll be the most pessimistic you've seen. Would you be there to comfort her? Would you stay on and ask her 'so tomorrow?' like you always do? Giving advice would be a plus point, but first, you need to stay. We talk. And I tried testing the waters. Yes, I did. You probably didn't know. Well, you probably wouldn't stay if that extreme side is revealed. Is she prepared to face that? Not yet.

So I wonder, am I worrying too much? This happened before. Would I let history repeat itself and then drown in sorrow while I lie to the entire world? I told myself to be brave the last time, I told myself to let go. I reminded myself of the opportunities I missed, the experience I would have gained if I said 'yes'. I was determined to be brave and give it my all. But when the opportunity comes knocking at my door again, I shrink back into my little cave. Uncertain, I hide and run away. Avoiding the problem altogether. After all, ignorance is bliss. Yes, that's more like you.

So I wonder, what should I say if you ask? I don't know. I haven't got an answer.

那天晚上，告别后，独自走在行人道上，好舒服。解脱。独自一个人的时候，想了好多。明明很长的一条路，走着走着也没有想象中来得长。走过了无数个巴士车站。这样真的很不像你。也只能是一个人的时候这么做。那天晚上，天气很好，路上的风景很美，很喜欢这样的自己。

我害怕。害怕结果并不是我想象中想要的。但同时也希望能尽快找到答案。只有这样我才能move on.不喜欢在原地踏步。不喜欢被人利用的感觉。你能不能诚实一些？能不能老实的告诉我答案？能不能不要这么自私？

那天晚上，下着毛毛雨。我没开伞。没必要。朋友都认为我上了巴士。我走过无数个巴士车站。我不介意走下去，走掉所有的烦恼。

i don't get why it's so difficult for you to answer directly 'yes' or 'no' to such a simple question: do you have a debit card?

you went on acting blur (as usual) asking what is that? what is that? what is it? come on. you don't know what is a debit card? really? you must be kidding.

ha. maybe you missed out the first part of my question. I did not ask this question for MY sake. i don't need it and i'm not going to use it. so why are you so sensitive and concerned? ha, you're so scared aren't you? 

well, if you realised it wasn't for my use and it was for someone else more important out there, you probably would have reacted differently. you probably would have just went: yes, take it from my wallet upstairs. you definitely did not realise what you were losing out on, did you?

The problem here is not about the user. the problem lies with you. your trust towards others, your obsession with money, your ignorance, your insensitivity. why. you seem like you've failed so terribly. even pity doesn't seem like an adequate word to describe how sorry i feel towards you.

if only you listened. if only you took away that disgusting expression and tone of yours when you asked 'what is that?' repeatedly. you wouldn't have lost out on so much

大学了。住宿舍。

从前的我很期待住在宿舍里的日子，原本以为人生会变的多姿多彩，比现在的人生会丰富许多。也可能是因为受到姐姐的影响，以为自己在宿舍的日子会更她的一样，升职更精彩。

我被骗了。

说被骗了是有些不公平。毕竟是自己失误了，没考虑到我们是在不同的大学里，进修不同的课程，认识不一样的朋友，有不同的经历。最总要的是，不同的大学会用不同的传统。自然而然的，在宿舍里的经验自然就不同。她大学留给我的影响是非常热情，很有“家”的味道，朋友也很友善。怎么我宿舍里的人就那么不一样？是我自己没尝试去认识他们还是他们真的就那么冷漠？会在‘熟人’和‘陌生人’之间画上一条明显的界限？还是只是我想太多了。

是真心希望能交到好友，希望能认识多一些新的朋友。只是可能选错了宿舍吧。这里的人就没那么友善。

六月

这阵子因为生病，在家里呆了差不多快一个星期了。I truly got to experience what it is like to 'rot at home'.

因为突然之间有了那么多时间，想看了电影、电视连戏剧、网上节目都看完了。结果就在手机上下载了一些有趣的applications.碰巧下载了这个drawing app。哈哈还挺好玩的。花了这幅画！

六月假期到了。本来有很多事情祥和再读书的妹妹一起做。哈哈可是结果六月都快过了一半，什么都没做到。oops.

这位路人，六月的你再干嘛呢？

P.S. 由于这幅画是在手机上用手指头画的，请谅解。oops.

就像你所说的一样，我们都是“中间孩”。哈哈好吧就用“中间孩”这词来形容吧。

今天我把那本书放在椅子旁原本是为了想在下午阅读，但是我还是因为“没心情”而把它留在原位。现在时间2点18分。

你刚刚吃饱饭，顺口说了“我也是中间孩”。我没回复。但这不代表对于你的这一句话，我没有别的看法。

是啊，你也是“中间孩”。但是我们是在不同世纪生长的“中间孩”。我们得到了不同的父爱和母爱。被带大的方式也不一样。最重要，虽然我们都有姐姐和妹妹，你是男生我是女生。所以，虽然我们都是“中间孩”，我们俩不一样。

在你的时代，父母大多数重男轻女。我相信你的家庭也不例外。你母亲也应该最疼你了。不，可能连长辈也最疼你了。所以我们不一样。你得到的爱是偏心的。因为你是唯一的男生，在姐妹之间，你会是最突出的那一位。也因为你是男生，父母对于你的期望也会更高。

夹在两个女生的中间，活在这个年代，我们自然而然都是平等的。表面上，大家得到的爱都是一样的。也因为我排第二，也没有太多的责任感。

要比较下去，也许会有太多太多的等等等。。。

如果你也是所谓的“中间孩”不防翻阅一下这本 《The Secret Power of Middle Children: How Middleborns Can Harness Their Unexpected and Remarkable Abilities》我只读到了一半，感觉上还不错！

不久前，有位朋友用了Tarot Cards 帮我“算命”。哈哈我问了我的“大学命”。开出来的牌不太好，情形好像都不太乐观。除了可能应付不来，也可能遇到友情方面的问题。唯一庆幸的事是一切最终会雨过天晴。到最后，结果会很美满。

原本以为这霉运会在八月三号开学以后才开始，但看起来并非如此。已经被拒绝两次了。
我真的好像好像住进大学里的一间宿舍，也原本以为自己被录取的机会会挺高的。没想到在访问中，说了不该说的话，毁了我的机会。虽然他们说暂时把我的名字放在 Reserve List 里，我也很努力的有正面的想法，但是人总得理智一点。名字被放在 Reserve List 里代表还有机会，可是被录取的可能性不高。除非有人推出，不然的话等也等不到。到最后，只好申请别的宿舍。的确对自己很失望，毕竟我真的很想很想住进那宿舍。申请了别的宿舍不代表我已放弃了最初的那个宿舍，我还在耐心等待。请接受我吧！

还有，大学总会为新生们举办许多迎新营。我也报名了。因为报读的科目的关系，女性的比例比男生多。多数的露营会希望女性与男性的比例是 1：1，结果因为吃报名也同样的被放进waiting list。超级无敌讨人厌。被丢进waiting list 的那个迎新营也是我最想进的露营。真是倒霉。没办法，也只能怪自己不比别人快。我也只能提醒自己这是个学习经验。

最想要的两件事情，虽然没有明确的对我说“你被拒绝了”但是一切心里有数。我没放弃希望。依然还会天天查电子信箱。