Honestly, I am feeling a little tired and depressed from studying for finals. I know I am running out of time and it seems like I don't have enough time to cover all the modules. Screwed. Really really screwed. Yes, and I have no one to blame but myself. For procrastinating when I had the time and not taking responsibility for my education. Happens all the time. I tell myself that I would revise beforehand but no it never works. I'll only have next semester to try again.

So I wonder, would you still be around when that ugly side of me is shown to you? Yes, you've seen enough. But what you've seen is not the scariest. It's not the core. And maybe that's why you're still around. What happens when you realize that this girl you've been studying with, all this while, is a monster on the inside. When her temper gets control over her, you'll see. I don't know if I should be afraid that it'll happen or if I should be glad that it happens.

So I wonder, would you still be around when I start telling you all my worries and troubles? When I become the most annoying and needy as I'll ever be? No, I've yet to show that side to you. You've yet to see it. When the complaints come with no fun but purely depressed and anxiety. She'll turn into an ugly and mean woman, she'll be the most pessimistic you've seen. Would you be there to comfort her? Would you stay on and ask her 'so tomorrow?' like you always do? Giving advice would be a plus point, but first, you need to stay. We talk. And I tried testing the waters. Yes, I did. You probably didn't know. Well, you probably wouldn't stay if that extreme side is revealed. Is she prepared to face that? Not yet.

So I wonder, am I worrying too much? This happened before. Would I let history repeat itself and then drown in sorrow while I lie to the entire world? I told myself to be brave the last time, I told myself to let go. I reminded myself of the opportunities I missed, the experience I would have gained if I said 'yes'. I was determined to be brave and give it my all. But when the opportunity comes knocking at my door again, I shrink back into my little cave. Uncertain, I hide and run away. Avoiding the problem altogether. After all, ignorance is bliss. Yes, that's more like you.

So I wonder, what should I say if you ask? I don't know. I haven't got an answer.