and i do wish im a lot less like myself now. getting all acted up and emotional over the fact that no one seems to understand and that i cannot seem to spill out these worries. it's tough isn't it. getting all angry and yet turning to your notebook only to realise you've got so much work undone.

Everything happens for a reason. That bit of you wished you got the kind of answer you were expecting or wanted. And the kind of conversation you were expecting would happen as well. Behaviors change according to the feedback we get. Yours did. And I didn't know what I should do. It wasn't appropriate to share at that point in time was it. Or should I have done just that. But that wouldn't be my behavior would it? But you promised to change. And that needs time would always be your excuse to not change. Or was it simply trust and the decision to let yourself be completely vulnerable and open to the uncertain space. That's not you. So what should I have done? What would have been the better way to go about dealing with this? Now's not the time, the logical one tells you. But your emotional and sensitive side prompts you to think about it. There's nothing much you can do now can you? You've got better things to worry about, no? If only an 'off' button exists, where you can switch off any distracting thoughts. Well it exists actually, it's called self-discipline.

you left the house telling yourself that your heart is full, that you are contented with the life you're given, that you felt love and happiness. you left the house hoping that you'll remember this moment of content, that you'll learn to appreciate every little thing in life.

i'm trying so hard to recall that moment of happiness. it's not coming. i'm trying hard to recall the small things that made me smile this morning. it's not coming. i'm trying to retrieve those happy memories so i could relive those emotions. it's not coming.

how do i fix a problem if i don't even know what's wrong? how do i tell you what's making me upset if i can't even point to one reason why? it would have been selfish on my side to tell you what's wrong. because deep down i know it's my personal problem. again. being too emotional and sensitive. having expectations which led on to disappointments because of my assumptions.

i wish i could be happy, i wish i could be less demanding and more appreciative of the little things. when would i ever learn to assume less, to expect less? it's the expectations that are making me upset, no?

yes, i admit i do wish you could stay. so we could have lunch together, so we could stay in school together, so we could travel together, so i would not be alone to face the terrifying skype session. and yes, i assumed it all. but i can't be selfish can i? it'll be too much for me to expect that you'll stay right? i should be independent, no? but tell me, which guy leaves his girl behind on a special day? i wish i could tell you that. but maybe i was expecting too much, maybe im too reliant, maybe i shouldn't. and so i didn't.

i'm not expecting you to read my mind to know this. because yes, i have to learn to be independent. and yes, i will tell you only if you need to know and that its necessary for you to know.

i wish i could be less like myself, the way i am right now. where's that's positivity i experienced this morning. why did all the negativity flood in. 我想要快乐，有那么难吗？

it's another one of those nights where you ponder if this 'weirdness' was a gift or a curse. it made me who i am, it made me different, it made me special. it also made me a little more abnormal, a little more difficult to understand, a lot more confusion and self-doubt.

on good days, you choose to believe that it is important to love yourself for who you are and that you are great just the way you are. i'm mad. but all the best people are. on bad days, these typical quotes can't seem to save you from the waves of negative emotions and thoughts. you're weird. period. you need to be fixed in some way, but you don't know how. sometimes a miracle happens. someone drops you a reminder about just how amazing you are as a person and that this 'weirdness' was not a curse but a gift.

i got emotional again tonight. some choose to tell me its a women thing, some tell me its stress, i don't know what to tell myself. i wish there was someone i could confide in, maybe for reassurance, maybe to seek for familiarity, maybe just to talk it out. before i got a little more irrational and begin spiralling down further into the bottomless pit of darkness, you came in just at the right moment to light up the darkness. once again, you've done what you're always good at - making my day. its things you've said multiple times, but i guess i really needed just that bit of positivity. you've never failed me.

i wonder how life would have been different if we never met, if we've never spoken. maybe someone else would still have taught me to look within, to see that i always had that side of me. but you did it well, really really well and i'm always thankful for that. maybe someday, if fate allows, we'll met again. and when we meet again, may the timing be just right for me to tell you just how grateful i am to have known someone like you, just how much you've done for me to learn to love myself better, to discover this other side of myself that built my self-confidence. we were never on the same wavelength/frequency/amplitude, but things worked out just fine between us, maintaining a relationship this way. it was a gift.

you need a little bit of trust and understanding. she's seen him through that year. and he's seen you through that year. one doesn't simply give up that relationship, that connection as easily as you think it would. put yourself in others' shoes and maybe you'll be a little less narrow-minded, a little happier, a little less sensitive than you are now. thoughts can be toxic. but with the right mind-set, they can be positive. learn to trust. learn to understand. that's the hard part. but you'll be rewarded with something real beautiful at the end of the day. it doesn't feel good being a 'back-up' plan and relying simply on 'luck' and 'fate' sounds like a fragile concept and less strong than something 'planned'. but look on the bright side of things. 'luck' and 'fate' were in your favour. and this time round, it was again. if things were meant to be, it'll be. 是你的就是你的，不是你的你在努力也不会是你的。

and i've come to realize i'm not a part of your plan. you've asked if there was you in my holiday plan. now im asking if there's me in your school plan. it was that difficult. is this why we stopped asking, this is why i'll stop asking. did you miss me as much as i did or am i falling too fast into this? because after all, you seem to be doing pretty fine. you think i'll be there. i promised to be there. but im human after all. and humans have flaws. gave up time with friends for someone you thought was important. gave up time with friends for someone who told you you are their priority. were those lies or simply exceptions of those times? taking things for granted kills. it leaves scars. it results in death.

累。烦燥。都是很恐怖的情绪。不止影响自己，也影响别人。累。学期才刚刚开启。怎么办。你不在的时候，很想你，很期待看见你。看见你以后，那感觉又不在了。这正常吗？我也一样想对你好，可是为什么就那么难？我不知道要怎么对你好。这是借口还是事实。Why do people get together? 这个问题问了几百遍。心情好的时候我会有答案。心情不好或吵架以后我却找不到答案。明明彼此当朋友都很好，为什么就不能继续这样的关系？快乐是什么，你为什么快乐，什么让你快乐。我想快乐，谁不想。我想乐观一点，谁不想。