我没有你想象中那样好。你看清楚了。你不是我想象中的那个大好人。我明白了。

我们人生当中有许多丑陋的事情。真的，有些事情不想让人知道。但是，偏偏这世界上有一种东西叫做脸书。而笨笨的自己却忘了untag自己丑陋的照片。是的，起初真的真的觉得很尴尬很讨厌。真希望自己早一点untag自己。终于明白为什么有些人那么在意。因为世界上就会有这种到处去找你丑陋的照片的朋友。是的起初真的后悔。那些照片太丑太丑。但同时我也得感谢那些照片，感谢他们的存在，感谢他们把我弄得那么丑。越丑也好。你看得越来越清楚。此时此刻坐在你对面的这位女生其实没有你想象中那么好。她其实可以那么丑。所以，在你告白之前，请你看清楚了。看清楚他的模样，看清楚这就是你想要的。 我最丑陋的性格，最丑陋的模样都被你看清楚了。其实这样也很好。看清楚了，你想清楚了，再说吧。没关系。好过到时候彼此都后悔。到时候是不是太迟了。还好。现在还早。

翻过那些照片，你说的话我不是没听过。之前很多朋友都那么说过。原本以为自己会习惯。因为习惯就好。没想到过了那么久，听过了无数次的comments, 虽然总是面带笑过，我的自尊是又被伤害到的。拜托。我也是人好不好。你的坦白，谢谢。你说过的话也许会跟着我一段时间。也许会永远跟着我也说不定。是听过很多次了，但每一次都没习惯过来，每一次都会留下伤痕。他会康复。但是到最后还是留下疤痕不是吗？我不是不认同你的看法。我承认。但是这世界上有哪一个人是完美的。我知道我必须包容这一切。也知道我必须接受。因为我是我。我要懂得自爱。

又走题的。回到重点。重点是，谢谢你的诚实。因为你的诚实，我把你这个人看得更清楚。原本以为你会不一样。说话时比较会进过大脑。为人着想。我看清楚了。hamburger. hamburger. hamburger. 也因为你，我发现原来从前的自己好傻。后悔了。但也同时发现，可能，真的，他不是你。我看错了。我们不可能。我需要的是一个能够包容这一切的人。而你不是。你根本不是。原来你和别人一样。以貌取人。从本人的悲痛得到乐趣。我以为你会不一样。turns out you're just as judgemental. 可能来到了大学，大家都更懂得掩盖自己的性格。they behave in a way that is more socially acceptable. 如果是这样的话，那请问我能相信谁呢。带着一个假面具的你。此时此刻，看清楚了。

我没有你想象中那样好。你看清楚了。你不是我想象中的那个大好人。我明白了。

how would we move on from here. time will tell. 我们都把彼此看得更清楚。

Numerous times, going back and forth about the same topic. When you come by too often, when I get used to your prescence, I wish for some freedom, some time alone. I feel like we need some time off. Conversations are running out and it revolvs around the same thing. The way you behave can be a turn off some times. Too childish, we can't hold a conversation on a serious topic. You told me your friends enjoy your company. Yes, you're fun to be around. But what happens if I need someone to talk to me about a matter that has been troubling me? What happens if I need a serious heart-to-heart talk instead of a casual 'fun' talk? I don't know. Maybe you feel like we're not on that level of friendship to talk about serious matters yet. Or maybe you just can't hold deep conversations and don't reflect or even pay attention to such things in life. If that's the case, it's not going to work out no matter how considerate you are or no matter what you do to prove your worth.

Yet, when such thoughts run through my mind, there's this little part of me that wishes for your company. I wish you're around. That emptiness, it's awkward. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know your intentions anymore. One moment you're pointing out the flaws and maybe you're truly fustrated by it by hey this is who I am. I am not planning to change by the way. I am planning to stay the way I am unless someone proves to me why its important for me to change. So if you can't take it, please let me know.

I guess time will tell. I'll have to wait. 

发生了那种事情，是，我被吓到了。真的。害怕。想哭但又哭不出。觉得自己倒霉。便便就在考试的前一晚发生这种事情。倒霉。真的倒霉。但是冷静下来，和你谈的以后，虽然还没忘掉，虽然脑袋现在还是有种空空的感觉，被吓到的感觉，现在的我希望你竟快找到治疗的方法。经快得到求救。经快康复。大学生活满绿，容易因为压力失去理智。我能明白。我也原谅你。这不是你的错。只是一时失去控制。是脑袋的一些化学作用。不是你的错。这也许也是一种经验和一种提醒。不是大学就等于安全。还有，压力，要懂得manage好来。学业重要，但身体健康更重要。不要因为成绩而失去理智。 希望你早日康复。我们有缘分的话，能在你康复以后再见面。加油。

Don't ever rely

and so, it seems like I will be alone for the remaining week/days.

and so, now perhaps you'll understand why I'm afraid to get used to things, to get used to people's existence, to get used to company. Because when they leave, there's that awkward sudden emptiness. I'm not blaming you. I understand. It's just... well... I'll get used to it. It's no big deal. It's just... the road back is going to seem quiter, colder and lonlier than before. I was used to walking that path alone. When you came it got brighter and surprsingly way shorter. Well... I don't know how it's going to turn out tomorrow. I mean, it's not that bad to have sometime for yourself I guess. It's not that bad to have sometime to reflect and experience that walk back like how it used to be initially. It's really not that bad.

Don't rely. Don't ever rely.

昨天更老朋友谈了好久好久。也没发现原来时间可以走得那么快，也没发现原来把心事说去来以后可以那么有‘解脱’。我把现在最烦恼的事情告诉他了。是，到最后我们都没有下个定论。there was no solution to this problem. He didn't give me a concrete solution. But advice, the advice he gave and the time. 谢谢。真的谢谢。把心事告诉别人，把他们的感想告诉我。it's insights i really needed at that point in time. to sort things out clearly for me. to let me see things from other's perspective. love? no. like? yes, maybe. thinking? definitely. honestly, 还没告诉你更个故事的时候，你就已经下了定论说‘有机会’。真的蛮惊人的。但是谢谢你让我看清楚，当我已经在考虑这个问题的时候就代表我在乎。我真的在乎才会考虑才会顾虑。是，我是看清楚了。但是有时候事情就真的没那么简单。因为有人与人之间的关系。复杂。矛盾。不是因为喜欢就能在一起那么简单。所以，到时候再说吧。船到桥头自然直。

anyways, 其实这不是重点。其实一开始打开blogger的时候是想说我想家。不知为什么却谈到了那一点。才刚踏近我房间5分钟就想家了。我的天啊T.T这样子不行。还得在这里多住9到10天。想家。温暖。方便。舒服。回到宿舍。疯了不够时间读书。完蛋了。

就是因为这样，我害怕习惯。

每一次一起吃晚饭以后总会害怕我是不是没有你想象中那么完美。到最后，你会不会因为发现我的种种缺点而决定离开。会不会，到最后，我们两的角色对换？

起初，还有些陌生。只是觉得你这个人很好说话。还没开始习惯。你想离开就离开把。我无所谓。现在开始习惯你的存在了。也开始害怕万一有一天因为发现我的缺点、发现我其实没有那么完美，你会不会不再来找我了？到时候的我该怎么办。你没关系，因为你已经渐渐疏远，你早有预备。但我，你忘了警告我。到时候，那空缺，我会需要很久很久的时间，慢慢的用自己的方式填满。

也就是因为这样，我害怕习惯。习惯了你的存在。若有一天你不再，我该怎么办。

下个学期，我们还会不会有这样的理由见面？还是会因为彼此开始忙碌起来，各自有新结交的朋友而不再见面了。是我害怕。害怕你找到了比我更适合你的朋友。害怕你不再联络我。害怕那个空缺。

Honestly, I am feeling a little tired and depressed from studying for finals. I know I am running out of time and it seems like I don't have enough time to cover all the modules. Screwed. Really really screwed. Yes, and I have no one to blame but myself. For procrastinating when I had the time and not taking responsibility for my education. Happens all the time. I tell myself that I would revise beforehand but no it never works. I'll only have next semester to try again.

So I wonder, would you still be around when that ugly side of me is shown to you? Yes, you've seen enough. But what you've seen is not the scariest. It's not the core. And maybe that's why you're still around. What happens when you realize that this girl you've been studying with, all this while, is a monster on the inside. When her temper gets control over her, you'll see. I don't know if I should be afraid that it'll happen or if I should be glad that it happens.

So I wonder, would you still be around when I start telling you all my worries and troubles? When I become the most annoying and needy as I'll ever be? No, I've yet to show that side to you. You've yet to see it. When the complaints come with no fun but purely depressed and anxiety. She'll turn into an ugly and mean woman, she'll be the most pessimistic you've seen. Would you be there to comfort her? Would you stay on and ask her 'so tomorrow?' like you always do? Giving advice would be a plus point, but first, you need to stay. We talk. And I tried testing the waters. Yes, I did. You probably didn't know. Well, you probably wouldn't stay if that extreme side is revealed. Is she prepared to face that? Not yet.

So I wonder, am I worrying too much? This happened before. Would I let history repeat itself and then drown in sorrow while I lie to the entire world? I told myself to be brave the last time, I told myself to let go. I reminded myself of the opportunities I missed, the experience I would have gained if I said 'yes'. I was determined to be brave and give it my all. But when the opportunity comes knocking at my door again, I shrink back into my little cave. Uncertain, I hide and run away. Avoiding the problem altogether. After all, ignorance is bliss. Yes, that's more like you.

So I wonder, what should I say if you ask? I don't know. I haven't got an answer.

那天晚上，告别后，独自走在行人道上，好舒服。解脱。独自一个人的时候，想了好多。明明很长的一条路，走着走着也没有想象中来得长。走过了无数个巴士车站。这样真的很不像你。也只能是一个人的时候这么做。那天晚上，天气很好，路上的风景很美，很喜欢这样的自己。

我害怕。害怕结果并不是我想象中想要的。但同时也希望能尽快找到答案。只有这样我才能move on.不喜欢在原地踏步。不喜欢被人利用的感觉。你能不能诚实一些？能不能老实的告诉我答案？能不能不要这么自私？

那天晚上，下着毛毛雨。我没开伞。没必要。朋友都认为我上了巴士。我走过无数个巴士车站。我不介意走下去，走掉所有的烦恼。