were you trying to teach me something? You gave me the luxury that most people were envious of, you gave me this long illness which lasted longer than I thought. I'm not even completely out of it yet, it's coming back. But I guess these 2 incidents taught me something in common. Something I never exactly thought was important. Something... that would probably not be of priority especially when doing these activties. I did them for my future career, I did them out of pure interest. Not to make new friends, not to form lasting relationships (it usually doesn't happen so who cares?). I'm the type to wait for someone to approach me and to prove to me that this is a friendship you want, you are genuiene, you want to maintain contact even after this. If you could prove to me this is what you want, ok, I'll put in the effort. You're lucky if someone approaches you. And what if no one shows you they care about having a friendship? Then it's all work. I am here to work, complete my job, talk to you on occassions because I have to not because I want to, go home. Done. There's nothing more.

But I guess this challenges have shown me that when you distant yourself, or become 'phantom', no one is going to care. No stranger would walk up to you and grab you by the hand to pull you back in. You're on your own. I was lucky enough to have found/formed a group of my own in previous instances. This time its a little different. Been away for too long, weak connections that were once formed were either on the verge of breaking or have broken. The two dots that were never connected to begin with drifted even further away as if it never existed.

That's the hardest part isn't it. You took time and effort to form that weak little bond which had the potential to grow and thicken. Just one decision could break it all.

Maybe work isn't always just about work. Work is also about forming relationships, making work easier to get by. But how am I suppose to feel close and happy around someone I've only known for days? That's the beauty of relationships. It takes time and it takes effort. If it's meant to be, it'll work out. Sometimes it's less about the outcome of that relationship you were trying to build, sometimes its more of the process of getting it done, picking up skills, learning about yourself. They call that self-discovery.

Whatever that happened, I guess it was a reminder. You thought you were strong enough, I thought I could brush it off. I didn't laugh along or defend myself like I would use to. I probably wouldn't do that again. No, I'm not genuinely laughing. I don't genuinely think it was funny. I was beaten down by that sentence: "She's fatter than you, look at how skinny you are. " "Really?" (that doubt). If it came from a friend I wasn't close to, it's fine. I could choose to ignore you, to avoid you, to never see you again. But what if that came from a family member? Or in fact, in general, 3/5 of your family members felt the same way, define someone by the volume of their body, make nasty comments about how much fats they have and how plump they are? It's toxic isn't it? They are my family, I can't possibly avoid them to eject the negativity could I?

So tell me what's wrong with the way I look? I fall under the healthy-weight range. Is that not good enough? Was I suppose to fall into 'Underweight' just like her? Is that what you want? Even if it was, I'm not planning to fulfil your wish. 

I've been reminding myself to love yourself for the way you are. You are not perfect, no one is perfect. My imperfections define me, so why would I change? I believe in staying true to yourself, to be who you are, genuinely. This is part of my criteria for a friendship and even a relationship in future. They would have to love me a 100% for the way I am, they way I look. I'll do the same. A 100%. I'll be understanding towards their flaws and I'll appreciate their strengths. I'll accept their flaws, I'll love them for who they really are and I'll be so grateful that they are genuiene about this relationship. 

At least, that was what I thought I could do. But life isn't just a fairytale. 

I have no issues with finding friends who love you the way you are. After all, they would have left. I wouldn't have bothered holding on to them. 

--------

The first time you mentioned it. I laughed it off, as usual. I probably made a joke out of it and brushed it off, as usual. After all, I was more concerned with another question about us. You brought it up for the second time, I laughed it off again. We didn't talk about it further as I changed the subject, like we always did. I came to realise that it was bothering you. I don't know how much weight you place on this, but it bothers you. It contradicts your belief: to not change and be who you are. Really?

Whatever happened today was a reminder. A reminder that it will continue to haunt me in the future. There will be people pointing fingers at you. To them, I could choose to ignore and laugh it off. But would I do the same to you? It's about telling the truth, can I tell the truth? It's about acceptance, could you accept? would I accept that it bothers you?

I've talked about that dark place that I've came from. I've talked about how I was lucky enough to meet someone to pull me out from that darkest spot I was digging into. I talked about how it was so rare and coincidental that it happened. I'm thankful to that friend who dragged me out from there. I don't want to go back to that place. 

If I agreed to that, if it still bothers you so much, if i'm unwilling to change, it'll be toxic. It'll take be back down there. I don't want to. Hence, if I don't want to re-enter the dark spot, if you remain bothered by it, if I remain persistent, there's no future in this. Does this mean I give up? Does this mean I let go? I can't run away forever. 

Is it that difficult to love someone for who they really are? Is the size and shape of our body that important is a relationship? Is a relationship merely a display of "look how perfect my other-half is"? Is it merely flaunting? Do you decide to choose someone based on their outer apperance before persuading yourself that you love him/her both inside and out? 

If the size of someone matters, then maybe this was never meant for me.

会发生这样的事情是因为我以为自己可以很宽容，很大方。会让自己变成这样是因为我认为我总会学着接受。原来我一直只在欺骗自己。我没那么宽容、大方。看见那些照片我嫉妒了。有点难过。开始那一轮“是我想太多”。对于那一切我很不舒服，只是你能了解吗？嫉妒是再正常的事情。只是嫉妒也要有极限。我能忍受的有多少？你能接受多少？因为不想变得野蛮，也许推出这场游戏对彼此都好。

我不舍，这是正常的。只是别忘记你当初做这决定的原因。因为你无法接受，因为他不会改变，因为你不想到最后彼此的关系变得更糟。

我不会后悔，对吧？

也许做回朋友真的没想象中难。也许做回朋友我们都会更快乐。做回朋友我没资格吃醋、我没自己嫉妒、我没资格要求。也许做回朋友一切都会更简单。让生活回到原点或许不会像想象中恐怖。也许你会更快乐。Maybe it's time for me to return to the person I used to be. It turns out that telling you too much didn't work. I was foolish enough to believe it would make things work. It only kept you from telling me eveything else. It only kept you from thinking that I was thinking too much. It made you believe that I trusted you when I didn't. It turned eveything into a one-sided conversation and one-sided belief that it would work. 那不是我要的。Someday when I'm brave enough, maybe I'll tell you the truth, that I was never comfortable with all of that. 我只不过只是在欺骗自己：我很大方。

it's a game of trust. 我以为我可以信任你。我以为我可以那么大方，那么宽容。我错了。我从来就没相信过你。这阵子都是我在欺骗自己。I never once trusted you. I don't trust you. Maybe I'll never learn to do that. 也许这能解释一切。

这阵子你好奇的，我都一一回答。这是努力。我努力的说服自己，我可以相信你。是不是因为最近压力大了，变名感了？不知道。我只知道我之前渐渐在拆下的墙壁得再次从建起来。因为我不能再相信你。我告诉你太多了。

你说我好奇的，问你，你会回答。但我从来不问。若我不问，你是不是永远就不说？那矛盾是不是永远纠结不开？这是我的问题吧。还是你的？我努力的，在不必你多问的情况下，都告诉你。你能不能也一样。是不是我要求太高。

信任，原来那么重要。我无法信任你。若没信任，若我不回复，你是不是会理所当然的认为是我忙而不是故意不回复。也许那不重要。重要的是这段时间不见面不联络也许是最好的。我们回到不认识对方的时候，过着自己的生活。也许就会发现没彼此其实日子也没那么难过。其实我们各走各的，没那么困难。或许你会被别人的好看得跟清楚。也许就不会做错决定，后悔、难过。其实一直以来你就想这样，把生活带回原点，回到原来的自己，没你的自己。也许放开真的没有你想象中那么难。给自己一个星期，我想你会习惯的。就像当时一样。你会习惯的。你也许会有些犹豫，但是别忘记，你还有朋友。你并不孤独。

因为不相信你。因为没安全感。因为想太多。所以得放手。放手真的没那么难。