终于见面了。

你是不是也一样发现我们之间的距离好像变得遥远了。原本走的那么近，但因为一时踏错步，彼此的步伐不一样了，节奏也变了，我们离彼此更远，不再肩并肩的走下去。

我发现更多我不知道的事。你也一样。惊讶吧？我也一样。你依然用着同样的眼神，我们依然的谈天，但之间的距离其实我们都了解。共同的话题、兴趣好像不一样。our conversations no longer flow as smoothly. We find it hard to find something to talk about. We attempt to catch up and find out about how each of us are doing. But the spark's gone. Conversations don't flow as smoothly. 断断续续。那透明的墙壁似乎越来越明显，你发现到了吗？or is it just me.

很高兴能见面。但怎么就不一样了？是不是因为发现原来我不知道的有那么多还是一直希望自己不必问你也会说的那种对话？我在期待什么。

没有了我，你回到了原来的自己。那就是你。躲在图书馆里念书的人，那不是你。
没有了你，我的生活一样过。有了自己的选择，能做出自己的决定。不必为任何人负责。只为自己负责。不必愧疚。这样不好吗？

对不起，从前的自己这样把你绑下。我们彼此失去了自由，失去了话题。放松了，我们再次回到自己的生活。没有了我你似乎过的更好。我们以后是不是这样过着就好？

我们很不一样，这点你说对了。和你相处，我发现我们真的很不一样。也许你尝试过让我们有共同点，让我们相同。但是到最后我们都认同我们很不一样。你无法接受的，是我无法／不打算改变的。因为那就是我。不知道你是不是希望我会有一天改变？对不起，我不打算改变，有些事情我也因该改变不了。

我喜欢我们单独在一起时的时间，和你谈话时我是快乐的。但是这就足够了吗？不够吧？或许这时我因该借此机会找到一个明确的答案。给自己，给你，一个交代。

no wonder they say the social media is toxic. the more you see, the more you know. the more doubts there are, the more questions you'll ask. it threatens trust, it threatens confidence. was it a mistake to begin with?

我们之间没有发现很大的摩擦，我们没吵架，没误会。一切都很好。只是最近我们好像都不约而同的“决定”给自己时间，空出时间给自己和自己的朋友。暂时回到了自己的生活。就像从前那样。就像一切发生前，那样。给了彼此呼吸的空间，不再像从前一样天天见面。似乎发现少了你的生活来的不一样。我无法习惯。变得不快乐。闷闷不乐。我不喜欢这样的自己，我想回到从前快乐的自己。no wonder they all say it's toxic. it really is. 你没擦觉，但它就是这样渐渐的影响你的情绪，让你悲观，让你不自在，让你怀疑。是负面的，我想我不需要。

暂时离开了，有了空间。发现你不在真的不一样。但同时也擦觉你对我的生活原来有那么大的影响。我不想要我的世界只围绕着你。也不希望你为了我减少与朋友的交流。也许放了手握才能找回从前的自己，也许放了手握才能找回为自己创造的快乐，不需要你来带给我快乐。

i took the first step in bringin my life back to how it was. I went back to my constant. To what I was doing. it felt good. things are going back to normal, to how it used to be. right?

我不希望这只是我给自己的幻想。真心希望能回到从前，那不需要依赖着你也可以很好的从前。你有你的生活，我也不例外。跟你在一起的那段日子我确实很开心。偶尔因该会想念，偶尔因该会希望一切能重演， 毕竟它真的很美丽。但是现在因为画不清界线变得不快乐。也许我必须需要站开，清清楚楚的看好现在的状况，看好自己到底有多糟糕。你不在，不一样了。但我会习惯。就像从前一样。习惯你会自动来找我。习惯读书时不会一个人。习惯你会一直都在。现在变了。我会习惯你不在，我会习惯你说“等一会儿见”但最终没出现，我会习惯现在在我身旁与我读书的人不再是你了，我会习惯走回的路线不一样了，我会习惯你不在关心，我会慢慢习惯在次一个人。一个人的生活。

你有你的生活。我也一样。你活在你的世界里。我也一样。我们还是互不相关。就像从前一样。

是不是自己不够努力？是不是自己不够好？是不是这科根本就不适合我？是不是选错了？是不是做错了决定？每当遇到这些事情就对自己起了疑心。是不是自己做错了决定？但是不修读这科的话，我也不知道自己还能读什么了。我喜欢我现在读的，享受，不比从前来的折磨。但是喜欢，有兴趣，就代表能考好吗？即使努力了也未必。起码这是我看到的。我喜欢我在读的科目，我努力。我花了一整个星期读。甚至改变了读书的方式。怎么还是考不好。我无法理解。是我对自己的要求吗？is getting an average score not good enough for you? 有些人会高兴。但是来到大学，不一样了。我们要比别人考得更好。这样不够。最让我纳闷的是明明自己可以做到的（逼近从前都是这样）怎么现在比起别人做得没那么好。我知道我明明可以做得更好，我明明有努力。怎么成绩还是一样。明明改变的读书方式。怎么还是一样。没变。我想比他们考得更好。我明明因该比他们考得更好。that's a given, no? 不想被别人看不起。想达到我想要的梦想。i want to prove you wrong. i want to make you feel guilty for laughing at my dreams. 可是怎么就是做不到。我要怎样才能考得更好。是不是梦想和目标来的更重要？是不是不盲目的阅读才重要？我清楚自己想要的，但为什么成绩就不能也一样好？

我在等的那个人是不是就是你？这几天没联络，少见面，我想了很多。你不在的时候确实不一样。

但，这是因为习惯的问题吗？是不是久而久之你不在了我就会习惯没有你的日子，一切就回到从前？

矛盾。你让我很矛盾。想要，但又不要。希望你在，又希望你不在。

下个星期你会在吗？

如果说没想，那是谎言。

是不是自己不够现实？是不是自己不够自私？是不是只有现实和自私的人才会有成就？是不是只有他们才会有所谓稳定个工作，明亮的前途？我试着让自己自私，现实过。变成了这个人以后我确实变得冷淡了，我的心变了。变得如此冷淡，我还能再爱吗？

看见了这样的自己，你是不是吓到了？会逃跑吗？会犹豫吧？会从新想想这是不是你要的对吧？在你印象中我因该再也丑陋不了了。你都看清楚了。我让你看清楚了。你还会不会留下？我还会不会留下？

原本以为已定好的结局原来一直都在改变。as the saying goes, the only constant is change. 

不可否认我有时候也在想：我这么拼命到底是为了什么？为什么那么努力学习，为什么那么努力的找机会吸取经验，为什么让自己那么累？绕了一大圈，到头来才发现，你可以选择不那么做。但别忘了，你身边的人就你那么拼命、那么努力。你可以选择不那么做，只是到最后是你自己吃亏。想着想着才发现，其实努力拼命的不只是自己，身边的朋友也一样不是吗？可能只是大家不说出来罢了。

累。其实不一定是件坏事。累。可以让我暂时把你忘掉、暂时不想。暂时不那么心痛。这不一定是件坏事情。这不是。

你清楚的说过，我们是来自两个世界的人。我们不一样。当时，我不明白。我不太明白为什么你会那么认为。我们都很多共同点啊，没什么天大的不同。为什么你会这么说？
你说我很冷漠，你说我是个很难接近的女生，非常冷酷。但即使这样，你还是愿意放进心思和时间来认识我。
但，同时，你也说了你的话不能相信。你说哪里可能藏了一些谎言。你说你愿意，那是不是个谎言？
我们就像来自不同世界的人。原来你指的是性格上的差别。原来不是表面上，例如爱好的相同。过了那么久，我这时才发现我们真的有点不同。不，真的很不同。they say people can work out their differences. they say they've seen the most similar people fall apart and the most different people work it out somehow. 我们会不会这样？你说你就是喜欢我们的不同。因为我们真的很不同。但你会不会有一天，这不同，带来了差别？
有些话好想好想说，有时候好像好像直接。但是害怕。你也一样害怕。我不知道自己适不适合，不知道怎么处理。你害怕揭穿以后不是你要的结果。我们都有各自的问题。
是，省委了解状况的人因该由我来处理。但是我矛盾太多，疑问太多。我希望你会在，可是又不想让你觉得这是个负担，所以冷酷。如果可以坦白，多好。

If only you could be more considerate. You always say how you can sense other's feelings, how you are sensetive, how you are a person with 'sense' to know what is going on. Yet, for countless number of times, you've failed to show me so. I don't get it. I don't get how you are a person with 'sense', the ability to detect other's feelings and their wants, their likes and dislikes towards what you've said or what you've asked them to do. Once again, today, you've proven me right, you are someone self-centered. You'll consider your needs and your wants before others and act as logically and selfishly to benefit yourself. No doubt, the road is so-called 'along the way'. after all, i'm travelling to the west. Yet, you jolly well know that I dislike and am uncomfortable about travelling to places i'm uncertain about. You still make me do it. Yes, you're under a lot of stress and you're tired. But me too. I feel drained and the lsat thing I need you to do is to add on to that level of stress I'm experiencing now. That was I lat thing I needed you to do but you did it. It's not as if that place is inconvenient. It is in fact considered VERY convinient. So why would you, as someone with a lot of 'sense', make me do it? You're smart. You would appear to question and be concern with the chrages, the conditions and appear to help. But i'm sorry, it doesn't. At the end of the day, you would brush it off, guilt-trip me and you'll get what you want. You know your way around this. You're experienced. And now, you're acting indifferent about it. You're making me regret taking it on. Yes, I do realise the importance of it. I know you're worried about it. But from what i see as of now, its just ANOTHER interview you''re going for. Doesn't play that much of an important role. I truly dislike you for making me do this when I am obviously uncomfortable about it. Why. I should have said no. Outright no. But I know, you'll go on and tell the others how I refuse to fetch you although its 'along the way' and that I'm selfish. Or maybe you're doing this to boast? I don't know. I only have one thing on my mind now. You. get attached asap. so that that someone you found would take care of you and i wont have to. so that I have a good reason  to tell you know and ask him to do it. burden.

我绕了一大圈才发现原来是我错了。 听了你说那番话，说真的，心碎了。原来当你最想要的东西被抢走时你才懂得珍惜。你有许多我不懂的秘密，今天才发现。为什么你从来都没说，还是我自己没擦觉，没问？好想大声哭出来，但是没眼泪。好伤心，好像是被去年的感觉。他们没有必要隐瞒我，他们被有必要欺骗我，所以我选择相信他们的话。我很伤心，很难过。好想大声哭出来。原来这阵子你是这么过着的。难怪过了那么久你没问了。难怪你会不太在乎。只因为你一直一直有她在。原本以为我们是特别的。原本以为我们做的事情是独特，只有我们，没有别人。我好难过。原来我们是那么的普通，原来你对我就想你常说的“朋友”。突然好累，突然好想逃跑，我好难过。原来我没有想象中呢么特别。是不是之前应该早点说清楚让你知道？幸好没说。不然我不会知道。不然我会一直一直被蒙在鼓里。知道了就好。我知道你很难过，不过一切会更好的。就像你说的，再坏也不会坏到哪里去。只要学会放下,move on, 不就没事了。一切会更好的。会更好。别难过太久。别想了。你会更好。没了他你会更好。

I dont know what I want anymore. Is it the same for you? I thought I was pretty certain, I thought everything was going well. Only until you did it again, I came to a sudden realization that it was always the same. things never changed. It doesnt matter whether you meant what you said. It mattered that I took it to heart. It mattered that I took it for real. And once again, we're back to the topic, the same old topic of self-confidence. I never once told you about it. You're probably not expecting it too. Self-confidence issues and me dont seem to go together. Or at least what I seem to portray. It took me a while, quite some time, quite some luck to meet the right people and the right oportunities, quite a huge amount of bravey and perseverance to bring myself to where I am today. Self-confidence never really seemed like much of an issue in primary school. I mean, what WAS self-confidence? It was never part of my dictionary. Moving on in life, peers, seniors, tutors have made me realize that this is a HUGE problem. And I've got to solve it. It took me a while to realize this problem and find the tough way out. I hated it. I hated whatever I was doing to myself. I hated my roles, hated taking on leadership positions. But I pressed on knowing that I'll eventually emerge to be the person I wanted to be. True enough, I definitely became more confident. But it wasnt enough. That was just the start. I was confident. But about what? But why? For what? The concept seemed unclear and yes of course I was terribly confused. I knew I was great to have attained these goals but what else? What aspects of myself can I be confident about? These are merely achievemnts that are shallow, on the surface. I need something deeper. I need that force, that reminder that I'm great. It wasn't until I chanced upon this amazing friend who reminded me just how great I was. While it made him embarrased, he was generous with his compliments. He made me realize how amazing I could be. Coupled with the activities in school, I felt as if I've found that self-confidence they were all talking about. Fast-forward, then we met. I knew you liked the level of self-confidence, I do too. But with all that comments after getting to know each other, this 'self-confidence' seems threatned. I'm beginning to feel insecure and these comments are making me feel uncomfortable. Yes, I brush it off with a smile/laugh/joke. But that doesn't mean it's ok for you to continue with your actions. It's not ok. You could mean it for real or you were joking, it doesn't matter. It doesnt matter because no matter the truth, I feel threatened. We've talked about this before. In fact we find outselves apologising for it. I thought things would change. It doesnt and it probably wont. after all, why would it change? Right now, I'm at a total loss. I don't know what to do. I knew my answer, so confidently. But now, now that it keeps reoccuring, now that this 'self-confidence' feels threatened, now that I get upset over it, now that my emotions are affected so terribly by it, now that I feel so afraid to return back to where I came from, the thought of having to work right up from the bottom pit sucks. I knew my answer but now I'm stuck in a dilemma. I don't want to feel bad about myself but you're making me do it. I thought about it. I thought I was going to end it all. Once and for all. It's going to hurt. There are so many things I'm going to miss. But I don't want to end up hurting myself even more by speaking to you. I thought I was going to end it all, real soon. After all, it seems like a good time given that we're both so busy right now. A good time. Yet, just as I was so determined, you came back and went back to your usual self. What am I suppose to do about it. I'm tired.

I'll end it. But if you care enough to notice, then do something about it.

Because I dont want to go back there anymore. No more.