and so i've thought through it carefully and clearly. as much as i dislike you. i guess it's a confusing love-hate relationship.

as much as i hate you for making me feel so frustrated and making me change my plans (esp my tuition and having to travel all the way to tamp/bishan on a sun) and of course also having friends to shun from you, this taught me much. so much about staying positive and believing in the people that signed up and stayed on (willingly or not). at least i have them, at least i am not alone right? for these people, i have no idea to express how thankful i am towards them, for their existence. these events also showed who were the true friends, those who desperately wanted to study for their CTs, but came because we're friends :) i've came to realise how much of a true friend you are to. 他认识的朋友，真的很‘朋友'. and i mean no sarcasm here. really.

more importantly, it showed your true colours. 我看清楚了。i've came to realise how different you are from who i am looking for. i came to realise that you're still holding on to something. i've came to realise that i'm a back-up plan. thank you :)

this saturday marks the last of the final nonsense im facing. sometimes, somethings are not as simple as it seems. its not as simple as moving tables and chairs, its not as simple as carrying out your job. it's about the experience. and this is the 'experince' everyone's been talking about. what i've seen, what i've interpreted and what i've learnt and gained. my perspectives of people changed. i know who are my true friends. i know whom i can rely on. i know who i can trust.

well, most importantly, it developed my sense of responsibility. on many occasions, i wished i could text you the day before lying to you that i fell sick and am unable to make it tmr. but i never did because i know you'll be terribly stressed. i know i would dislike it too if someone did the same to me. it'll be a mental breakdown. 这一切教会了我学会谅解，学会体验。put yourself in other's shoes, they always say. this experience taught me the importance of it.

因为体谅，所以谅解。 :)

despite all that i've learnt, if given a choice to take up this role again, i wont go 'yes' immediately. definitely not. but i'll consider. i will.

I can't help feeling tired and frustrated about it. every single time. and im glad that this is the last. so glad because it's tough. and yes, people shun from you for it.

I guess this is partia;;y why this is all happening i guess. you're running away. you're afraid i'll ask. 当全世界都背向着我时，我以为你会在，我以为起码有你依靠。我错了。是我太天真。

someday, i wish to be like them. to be able to dump everything aside and not feel guilty at all. even the slightest guilt, not at all. if only i could be like this. because im tired of running this.

I'll probably never forget how it all started out. It was way earlier than you expected. because i was equally shocked too.

开始的时候是怀疑，不知何时开始变成了淡淡的幸福。虽然那一切不是真的。绝对忘不了一开始总是告诉自己如果有一天他决定走开，我一定要带着感激的心情。因为起码知道我们不可能，不会再浪费批次的时间。一直以来都告诉自己‘我们只是朋友’。到现在也一样。曾经的怀疑不是没了，其实依然还在。不过，可能是应为习惯了、麻木了，没有以前那样受影响吧。

不知道是不是因为那时的事件，好像有什么变了。是不是我错了？是不是我太幼稚了。过后又不小心的话了整整一天才恢复你。是，你生气了。从那时以后，你变了。不，我不怪你。不久前又来了一个愚人节的玩笑。或许对你来说没什么。可我，不知为什么，那晚我真的很生气。告诉你没关系，那是谎言。过后，我们的关系好像变得更糟。

现在的情况不是你是否注意到了，似乎有些尴尬。从前一天里得法不少简讯，如今只剩一天一次。是不是因为我们都开始忙起来了。还是已经不在乎了。回简讯或许已成为一件非常累人的事吧？

其实我们的幼稚的性格都满相识的。不是你是否擦绝倒。故意不理不睬，看看对方的反应。应为自己也犯了同样的罪名，所以我明白。可是恰恰因为我们都自私，不愿成为感情世界里所谓‘更爱对方的那一位’，导致了今天的局面。

不期待什么，那是谎言。比起从前少了期待，那是事实。结局会是如何，敬请期待。

我好像知道答案。