变了。你怎么变了。你怎么变得那么惹人厌。怎么变得我们好像八字不合。怎么变成了一个陌生人。不一样了。一切都不一样了。

从前我们是有纠纷，会有不和的时候。只是这几天也未必发生得太多次了吧？不一样了。真的不一样了。好像有个透明的墙壁。好像一心只想为了炫耀。好像一心只想着要讨好他们。你怎么变得那么复杂？变得不像我几个月前认识的人？才5个月。你变了好多。是变得更成熟了吗？可是谁说过成熟就等于变得复杂化？变得少了人情味？你已经不再像从前一样亲切了。你变了。你不再是我认识的亲切，最证实的自己。你不再像以前一样真诚的对待生变的人。你变了。

现在的你。我真的真的不太习惯，不太喜欢，不太想接受。我想是不是着几个月发生了什么事让你逼不得已变成这样？还是你一直以来都这样，只是我没擦觉？我只知道我讨厌这样的你。我想要找回从前的你。从前的你跑去哪里了？

你说过你找出了与他们沟通的方法了。恭喜你。我也看得出你成功了。或许你也一样早已发现了与我沟通的方式。但，少了“人性”又有什么用？现在，与你沟通感觉上就像是个说得上认识很久但不太熟的朋友。都说变了。感觉当然也变了。我们不在像从前一样亲密。不一样了。

我朋友说得对，I don't have many pillars of support. However, those that I have are very very strong. 他们很可靠。需要他们的时候，我知道他们一定在。是，you're supposed to be one of my few but very strong pillar of support. 在我需要你的时候我知道你会在。但是因为感觉不一样了，不在像从前一样有熟悉的感觉，遇见困难时可能会需要多一些时间才会去找你。也可能不会像以前一样对你那么诚实。我还是希望一切能够回到从前。从前的那种感觉。可是因该不可能了。因为你似乎看不出问题的所在，我也不打算告诉你问题的所在。那就这样吧。我们不会变成陌生人。只是不会再像从前一样的亲密。或许这是种暗示。暗示我因该往前看，不该总是原地踏步，不该总是依靠你。是时候move on 了。

Maybe it was a really bad day. Or maybe... It was just facts that I needed to know. Facts that I needed to see clearly, needed to face, needed to hide it less with the overwhelming emotions.

I don't know where to start from. Both concerns important people. There's too much going on. I don't know where or how to start.

So let's see where this goes...

我想我明白了。我想你给的暗示也够了。我想我因该看清楚了。是，是我想太多。是我看的太远。sorry. 是我把太多太多反面的例子变成了正面的例子。是我把自己丢进自己的陷阱。是我自己把陷阱挖得越来越深。是我自讨苦吃。sorry.这阵子麻烦你了。虽然很抱歉，虽然很遗憾，虽然不是自己想象出的结果，我还是得说声谢谢。谢谢那些美丽的回忆。他们真的真的很美。值得回忆。也得谢谢你提早发现也让我自己看清楚不可能。我明白。真的明白。下个学期应该会有些不一样，可能会有点不习惯，不过应该会没关系吧？会没关系的。时间很快就会过去的，生活中的种种事情也会把这空空的脑袋装得满满的，没剩下的位子胡斯乱想。我会很忙很忙很忙。我不希望自己再次乱想。不可能。不再可能。所以不要乱想。确定。明显。

人，是会变的。the only constant is change. 从前和你交谈的时候，我很喜欢，很快乐，很期待。可是你变了。你比从前现实，更复杂，就像有个透明的墙壁。举动上，语言上一样情切。只是感觉不一样了。有些时候好像看不透，好像不像以前真诚。我们是家人。但是感觉上没像从前一样了。变了。你还是一样不太直接，不太会把自己的想法说出来。会暗示。还一样。只是现在多了复杂。会把自己的暗示，在适当的时候，说成实画。请你了解暗示和自己确实说出的话是两件很不同的事。例如，暗示自己饱了。和自己真实说出自己饱了是两件很不一样的事情。暗示自己饱了，可以在两个不同的情况下帮助自己伤害别人。可以变成：我自己确实是这么说了。也可以是我没那么说是你想太多了，it's just a passing remark you know. 好复杂。讨厌你这个 bitch mode。I mean, yes, we all have this annoying side of us. But 我真的受不了你这个mode. 很假。很bossy. 其实你以前就这样了。不知道是不是自己之前没看清楚还是最进真的严重了。不过你这个bitch mode我也来也受不了。

你说过我们是两个世界不同的人。我说没关系，因为彼此迁就、了解就可以了。
原来，我有点太天真了。有些事情了解了不代表能接受，不代表彼此就搭配。我们俩过着不一样的生活。非常不一样的生活。以为迁就、了解就ok了。没那么简单。这是不是解释了你所谓短暂的日子。因为顺求新鲜感，寻求新体验。给不了你，分开？

已经不是第一次了。这就是相信别人、依赖别人的结果。还是自己靠自己比较可靠。如果从一开始不那么轻易相信别人不就好了。这不是他们的错。是你自己太依赖别人。我没有想要怪任何人。是自己的错。我知道了。下一次还是自己去查清楚比较好。

may i have lots and lots of good luck next sem to get the mods i need!!

you came in and told me about it. suddenly, i realised there are so many more important people in my life i should care for. there are so many more people i have in my life who loves me more for my original self than you would. there are so many more people in my life that i truly love.  who are you to take up to much of my time, who are you to waste so much of my precious resources for, who are you even to given such remarks about who i am and to define me. 

thank you for making things clear. there are so many more people out there whom i should treasure. who are you to be wasting my time like this.

I know how I'll always say that if you ever realise that things aren't going to work out, drop me a hint or let me know directly and I'll take it the right way.

我发现了那是幻想中非常非常勇敢理想的自己。我其实没有那么勇敢。会害怕有一天真的发生，会害怕有一天我会不由自主的回到我们以前的对话，需要一大把勇气删除一切。

what happens when people break up? what do they do to overcome it? how does their lifestyle change? how do they adjust back? how do they get back on track to an independent life?

我可不可以更勇敢？

有时候真希望自己能够勇敢一点，告诉自己：

预期浪费那么多时间考虑，不如直接勇往直前去试一试。也许不会是想象中那么恐怖。如果到最后不是个美满的结局，也可以是个学习经验，可以变得更成熟。

总是希望自己可以这么勇敢。但偏偏自己总是想太多。所以到最后总是原地踏步，无法向前走。

我可不可以更勇敢？

是不是玩完了？

是不是看清楚了才会明白？

原来很多事情不能只看表面。原来我还有很多我不知道的事。 原来没有想象中重要、独特。原来是自己把一切看的太美好。why can't we seem to have the best of both worlds? why, just when you thought everything seemed perfect, you learn a few fact that changes this whole idea of 'perfection' you had? is this why things didn't last?

明明就是自己的空间，为什么需要小心翼翼？为什么需要在乎别人的看法？

如果是自己的空间，那个地方就不该被称为“社交网站”。“社”，是群体。需要顾虑到别人的感受。它不是私人的空间。

不小心接受了你的要求。我现在真的后悔。是立刻后悔。看来以后只能更加小心了。为什么会在一时冲动下接受。OMG。我的空间。。。好像缩小了。

你能接受的东西，你想知道的东西，不一定是我想透露、让你知道的事情。突然，刚觉上我的隐私被暴露了。这是我自己一时冲动的选择。但是当时的我如果不这么反应的话，岂不是很尴尬？ 我可以回答：“哦，等一下再帮你弄。” 但是过了“等一下”我还不是一样要这么弄。避不开吧。又不能说了但又不弄。尴尬呀。你不说不就好了吗。白痴。你是想拉近我们的距离，想让他知道我在干什么。是，我知道，身为你女儿我因该让你知道我的动静。但有些事情你真的不必知道，有些感想我也不太想让你知道。有些事情是想让朋友知道，就只有他们。

算了，不太愿意做的事情都做了。我还能怎样。下一次小心点吧。有你在也不一定是见坏事情。helps me to regulate the content and frequency too. oh wells. 看来以后得多用你了。谢啦。

当我们不再见面的时候，当感情淡化的时候，当我还没把这一切输入进脑袋的时候，当我还在想着的时候。。。

那一句话这么那么难完成？感觉上有好多好多话想说，却又不知道该怎么说出来才好。也不知道是不是自己想太多。希望不是吧。

那句话，如果不想太多的话，也只不过是的passing remark.但是更深一层去看待，能代表很多事情和情绪。它代表着什么也只有请自取问才会知道。是暗示吗？你不直接告诉我，我不会知道。再看着办吧也只能这样。我只希望这样的自己，那样的问题，那所有的情绪波动会渐渐消失。为什么？因为我想太多，因为你不可靠。

有些人希望有完美的结局，有些人更注重故事的发展。而你呢？

这时的你应该觉得我这个人怎么那么奇怪吧。为什么那么迟回复。为什么即使你在改变回复的速度，我还是一样那么迟才回复。那是因为你不懂，我也没告诉你。因为好像没必要告诉你。生气？计较？失望？还是不理睬？无所谓？就像对待她一样，说忘就忘。一切也只是曾经？我知道花费那么多时间回复你等也等到累了。等着等着也习惯了。等着等着也觉得不重要了，忘掉了。对不起，这也不是我想要的。时间就是考验。一切也许也只能用时间来证明。

我知道，等待是一种煎熬。

对不起。

This got me thinking that maybe it was better this way after all. Maybe it was great to have this long break so we can both settle it out. Separately. Unaffected by the emotions and presence. Maybe everything would die down, maybe we'll come to realise it's just not right. Or maybe just you. Just you coming to realise it all and me, 原地踏步. Tell me straight so I'll get it. Don't go on with that theory of yours. It's karma maybe. I'm sorry.

A life like this away from your usual self, some abnormalities. Maybe you'll come to see the difference and better appreciate those who care. It's those that notice the little abnormalities that are important no? So I hope you see. See it clear. Who cares and who don't and if this is all worthwhile. All the time and worry. Yes, there's some joy in it too that you'll have to give credit to. But really? Is this what you want? Maybe you're worrying too much, but it keeps you away from wasting your time. It keeps you away from the possibility of excessive negativity. Think clear. Is this what you want? Are the short moments of happiness and adrenaline rush and maybe even heart flutters worthwhile? Would they last in the long run? Would it still stay the same? What if it dies out? Would it still be the same or would it end up as something undesirable? What is it that you're looking for? What is it that you want? What is it that you're willing to take in, to compromise, to give up? To give up without regrets without pain without getting scarred?

I don't know. I'm lost. Tell me the truth, give me a sign. I'll take it. The right way.

Tell me I'm not being too sensitive
Tell me you're not interested any more
Tell me you're giving up
Tell me you've moved on
Tell me you've changed your mind
Tell me there's someone new
Or tell me you've came to realise I'm not the right one

I would rather you tell me the truth.

Tell me the truth so we can play this game fair and square
Tell me so I can stop holding on
Tell me so I can stop noticing
Tell me so I can stop thinking about it
Tell me so I'll get less bothered by it

Don't tell me so you'll stay as a source of strength
and so that I have someone to tell 'I miss you'.