Maybe it was right. to not have your hopes up high. maybe i was never meant for this. maybe i was meant to be doing something else, somewhere else.

yes, they say academics at the end of the day is not important. no one is going to ask for your cert, you only need it for the application and then all it becomes is a piece of printed paper waiting to be recycled. yet, it determines our future maybe not in the long run and not as significantly, but it is important after all. and yes, it defines who you are. at least by your family, your relatives and the society.

sometimes i wish you weren't there. bu yet you definitely contributed to bringing me where i am today. i don't know. it's like a benchmark? yes i know i will never ever reach there, but at least i think they are expecting you to hover around that benchmark and not sink all the way below.

i am not smart. please understand.

i've tried convincing myself all this while and i thought i have accepted the fact that i will never do as well and it is ok for that to happen because everyone probably knows that. and yet, sometimes i ask myself why not?

expectations. invisible and yet palpable benchmarks. good to have them around, forces you to stretch your limits. after all, hardwork will be rewarded in this meritocratic society.

就连我自己也不知道藏了多久。也不知从哪开始说起。幻想中是美丽、是甜蜜的。但来到现实生活中，有时候还真的漫累的。唉声叹气时难免的。不是说讨厌这段回忆。其实我很感激。他最后是个不完美的结局但过程的甜蜜不能就轻易带过。谢谢你为我留下的回忆。但也同时谢谢你教会了我，这 “心” 最好不要这么轻易就打开。因为最后受罪的人是自己。不，其实更应该说这举动是种赌博。好的、坏的后果自负。是我把自己害成今天的局面，遇见这难题只能靠自己解决。可能可以向朋友诉苦，但真正的痛苦只有自己清楚。那段回忆，很美。但它的“美”中却藏有了“心酸”。