you left the house telling yourself that your heart is full, that you are contented with the life you're given, that you felt love and happiness. you left the house hoping that you'll remember this moment of content, that you'll learn to appreciate every little thing in life.

i'm trying so hard to recall that moment of happiness. it's not coming. i'm trying hard to recall the small things that made me smile this morning. it's not coming. i'm trying to retrieve those happy memories so i could relive those emotions. it's not coming.

how do i fix a problem if i don't even know what's wrong? how do i tell you what's making me upset if i can't even point to one reason why? it would have been selfish on my side to tell you what's wrong. because deep down i know it's my personal problem. again. being too emotional and sensitive. having expectations which led on to disappointments because of my assumptions.

i wish i could be happy, i wish i could be less demanding and more appreciative of the little things. when would i ever learn to assume less, to expect less? it's the expectations that are making me upset, no?

yes, i admit i do wish you could stay. so we could have lunch together, so we could stay in school together, so we could travel together, so i would not be alone to face the terrifying skype session. and yes, i assumed it all. but i can't be selfish can i? it'll be too much for me to expect that you'll stay right? i should be independent, no? but tell me, which guy leaves his girl behind on a special day? i wish i could tell you that. but maybe i was expecting too much, maybe im too reliant, maybe i shouldn't. and so i didn't.

i'm not expecting you to read my mind to know this. because yes, i have to learn to be independent. and yes, i will tell you only if you need to know and that its necessary for you to know.

i wish i could be less like myself, the way i am right now. where's that's positivity i experienced this morning. why did all the negativity flood in. 我想要快乐，有那么难吗？